


See You on the Other Side

by KabiViolet



Series: To Feel Alive [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Comfort Sex, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Kink Meme, Loneliness, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Miscommunication, Non-Canon Relationship, Post-Game(s), Romance, Slow Build, Smut, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unresolved Emotional Tension, delayed gratification
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2014-01-14
Packaged: 2017-12-28 05:14:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 48,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KabiViolet/pseuds/KabiViolet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just minutes before the final race to the beam, Commander Shepard finds a brief respite in the arms of a stranger. </p><p>But is he more than a temporary mask for her pain?</p><p> </p><p>A slightly AU post-game story of pain, love, and healing. Inspired by a prompt from the Kink Meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Light, No Light

**Author's Note:**

> While working on another project, I did a lot of research and hunting for fics on a mysterious character in the Mass Effect universe: Major Coats. Then I found [this prompt](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/7006.html?thread=33077854#t33077854) on the kinkmeme:
> 
> "Unattached FemShep has desperate-filthy!we're-about-to-die!sex with Coats. Love this to sort of be happening with a bunch of other folks at the same time, everyone on-edge and desperate for any comfort they can get before they head off. Against the wall, mostly dressed sex. Yum."
> 
>  
> 
> I agreed that this sounded yummy, and hence, I decided to write this project. I will be digressing just a bit from what the prompt asked for and expanding it into a longer piece.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. None of these characters belong to me. They are the creations of BioWare in whose universe I enjoy playing.
> 
> P.P.S. Each chapter is named for a song that fits the chapter. Feel free to click on the link and immerse yourself in my quirky universe of music + the written word, should you feel so inclined. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [No Light, No Light](http://youtu.be/HGH-4jQZRcc)
> 
> Florence + the Machine

"He is such a bastard."

"Commander?"

Shepard had almost forgotten about the Communications Tech to her right. She glanced at him quickly and sighed, head slightly drooping between her shoulders. She had saved this dreaded conversation for last and the Tech had awkwardly been witness to her strange reaction. But right now, as her emotions roiled within her, Shepard wasn't sure she cared.

"Give me a few minutes alone," Shepard gritted through her teeth, struggling to hide the frustration in her voice. None of this was the Tech's fault. He wasn't the lying, cheating, son of a -

"Is there someone else I can connect you to?" the Tech asked dutifully.

"I'm done."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be...uh, right outside if you need anything."

Once she heard the door slide shut behind her, she let her posture relax. Another deep breath escaped her.

 _Not sure what you were thinking, Shep_ , she thought to herself. _Just because you're about to die...it's not like it will make him say what you want him to._

She knew it wasn't productive to think like that, but she couldn't help it. An unforgiving weight of doom pressed down on her chest, a feeling she couldn't get rid of. She knew she would die today. And she had hoped that maybe, just maybe, Jacob would have a bit more compassion than he had the last few times they met. She should have known better.

"There's this great little bar in Rio we have to check out," he had said on vidcomm just a few minutes earlier. She had almost exploded right then and there; his arrogance, combined with his ability to completely shove her off like an unwanted pet, made her skin writhe. But somehow she had managed to hold it together.

The first time in years she had let herself trust another human being enough to get that close to her, and what had he done with her trust? Knocked up a doctor with a sexy accent. Left her to fight the Reapers alone. Promised to meet her at a bar in Rio. After she was dead.

Bastard.

"I'm holding you to that," she had said through gritted teeth, using all her reserve to stop herself from unleashing her fury on him, telling him what a scumbag he was. She had no intention of ever meeting him at a bar in Rio, but now was not the time to say so. There was no way she would let him see how this conversation was affecting her. No way in hell.

 _Six months, Jacob?_ she wanted to scream. _Six months and maybe a few weeks was too long to keep it in your pants?_

"Give 'em hell, Jacob." He said something else to her, but she didn't hear it. His form vanished from the vidcomm as quickly as it had appeared and Shepard had been surprised to find that she was almost relieved he was gone.

Her hands clenched at the memory of the exchange from only a few minutes before. Her fists gripped the table she had moved to in a mix of emotions she couldn't describe.

This was the end. And no one truly cared about her except as much as they wanted her to be their savior. Not even the man she had been foolish enough to let herself love. This was neither the time nor the place to start such a petty argument, but part of her was ready to burst, energy and feeling pulsing through her like some bright star before it self-destructed into a supernova.

 _I am a supernova_ , she thought with a grimace. _And Jacob got away fast enough to save himself._

Shepard whirled around in anger when she heard the door slide open behind her.

"I thought I told you to -" she stopped when she saw who it was coming through the door. It wasn't the Tech. It was the soldier she had met several times today - the one who had been with Anderson in the shuttle. The one who just a few moments before her disastrous thirty seconds with Jacob on vidcomm had actually given her some of the only encouragement and emotional support she had received from anyone lately.

 

_"The fighting here has been some of the worst on the planet. It looks bad, but there's still hope," the Major said after Shepard dismissed Liara and Vega. She looked at him sidelong when he paused, a strange glimmer in his eye. "And you're here...it will do the troops good to see you. Bolster their resolve."_

_"I'm just a soldier like them," she replied, shaking him off._

_"You might see yourself like that, but they don't. Like it or not, Commander, you're a hero to these men and women." He paused again and Shepard turned to look at him full on. His face had softened and he seemed to want to say something more, but in the end, his conclusion was simple._

_"Don't discount the effect that can have on them."_

 

She definitely had not expected to see him down here.

"I'm sorry, Commander," Major Coats replied, walking toward her. "I saw that you had dismissed the Communications Tech and wanted to make sure everything was working properly for you."

"Everything's fine," she said with a sarcastic huff. "I just needed a few minutes alone."

"Right. I apologize for intruding," the Major responded, clearly uncomfortable. "I'll just -"

"No. Stay," Shepard cut him off, surprised at her own order.

Shepard crossed her arms and took real stock of the man in front of her. His poise was impeccable. His resolve and commitment to duty oozed from every pore. And his eyes...they might just be some of the most electric eyes she had ever seen, their light grey-blue almost making her shiver beneath their piercing gaze.

"How long have you been in the Alliance, Major?" Shepard asked, simply making small talk so the man would speak again. The silence was unbearable. The soldier before her provided a more than welcome distraction.

"Signed up when I was eighteen," the Major replied, standing straighter with his chin tilted up and his chest puffed slightly outward. "I'm sure you could look it up in my service records, but that was twelve years ago. I've never regretted it."

"What made you join up?" she pressed. The Major didn't seem upset that she was interrogating him. He took her question in stride and answered, "I always wanted to help people. Keep people safe. I'm sure much of that is the same with you."

 _You don't know the half of why I joined up_ , Shepard thought wryly. _And if you did, you probably wouldn't like me very much at all._

She asked him no more questions, returning to her previous study of his poise and demeanor. He was intriguing, this Major Coats, with his eyes that pierced through her, his surprisingly soft tone when she had needed an emotional boost, and his unwavering support and admiration even in the few brief moments they had had together.

But what was even more interesting to Shepard was the look the Major was giving her in that moment. Shepard could almost hear the air crackling with the electric feeling passing between them. There was no escaping it. She knew the Major could feel it too. Perhaps it was the high-stress mission. Perhaps it was the further rejection she had just received from the man she loved — or thought she loved. Perhaps it was her sudden, inescapable, and complete understanding of her own mortality. But whatever it was, she decided there wasn't a minute to waste.

"Walk with me," she said as she brushed past his shoulder and out into the alley. Coats followed her without a word. She took a brief look around her and found what she wanted. Several vehicles were parked to the left, blocking the view of a small alcove between two buildings. Picking up her pace, she moved in the direction of the chasm, taking care to see if anyone was watching them.

No one was. They were all too busy with their own preparations and fears to notice the Commander and the Major heading for an isolated corner of the safe zone.

Finally, they retreated between the two walls. She turned to face the Major opposite her, his eyes almost glowing in the dark, the eerie light from the lamps on the street reflecting blue from the orbs of his face.

Shepard waited. She wouldn't push the Major. She wouldn't force this, but she knew he could feel it. He wouldn't have followed her if he didn't. The tension was undeniable. It had been that way since she had first set eyes on him in the shuttle.

And his eyes were the first pair during this entire war that had made her feel _alive_. Not even Jacob's eyes had lit this kind of fire within her.

She didn't have to wait long. Coats assaulted her lips with his own. She sunk into his grasp as his hand raised to fist in her hair. He tasted slightly of salt and spent eezo, and he had a musky smell she couldn't quite place. Shepard's eyes flitted at the contact she had longed for but been denied from someone else for so long.

But even Jacob Taylor could not compare to this. This passion. This desire. This absolute _need_ for her. It was overwhelming and Shepard thought that it was probably a good thing she was about to die. She could easily become addicted to being wanted like this.

For the first time since laughing with him about it, Garrus's story of the recon scout made sense. Commander Shepard was afraid of dying for the first time in her life, and this was exactly the antidote she needed for that fear.

The armor they both wore was clunky and in the way, but somehow, they managed to remove the necessary pieces in the tight confines of the alcove. He had removed his gloves and she did the same, fumbling to grasp each other in the darkness. When Coats's fingers probed her, she nearly lost all consciousness, her thoughts focused on the roughness of the pads of his fingers and how wonderful they felt as they touched her. She stroked him over and over, feeling his muscles tighten and his hot breath increase in pace against her neck.

"Now," she ordered, breathlessly.

The good Major complied, pressing her against the wall behind and entering her forcefully. Shepard nearly cried out in ecstasy as he did. The electric current that had merely been in the air before was now coursing through her, vibrating throughout all her nerve endings, causing her to shudder against his hands as his lips found recourse on her neck. When he began to move inside her, Shepard groaned with pleasure, her own hands coming up to grip the back of his neck, pulling him as tight against her as she could with both of their breastplates half attached.

The sound of gunfire and shouts of soldiers in the distance began to disappear. She felt the tell-tale signs of her climax rising in her groin. Coats seemed to notice it as well, increasing his pace. Shepard had to stop from hissing with pain as her bare ass scraped against the cement wall behind her.

But of all things in the galaxy right now, this was just what she needed. She needed to feel wanted. She needed to feel desired. She needed this man with the piercing grey-blue eyes inside her.

She needed to _feel_ and she _wanted_ to feel _alive._

She felt Coats explode within her, nipping her earlobe as he did so, his cries muffled by a new burst of gunfire yards away. When she felt his desire release inside her, Shepard came quietly, shivering as Coats continued to push inside her, riding out every last second of their joint relief.

No words were said afterward. Armor was snapped back into place in silence. Eyes were averted as seals were latched and uniforms straightened.

Coats turned to leave first, but Shepard grabbed his arm. The look on his face was not contempt. It was not disgust. It was something soft...not love, clearly, but still...soft. Something more than simple admiration.

Or at least she wanted to believe that was what she saw. Soon it wouldn't matter anyway.

Soon she would be dead.

"Thank you," she said. He nodded grimly and gripped her arm in return. Somehow he understood her even though they had said very few words to each other in the short hours they had known one another. He released her at the same time she released him and stepped out into the strange light of the alleyway. Shepard had every intention of following the Major back to the Command Center, but on their way, he surprised her, stopping just as they reached the first Mako parked in front of the alcove.

Shepard raised her eyebrows in surprise as he turned to face her, his eyes fixing her in place. Without another word, he pressed against her again and kissed her, but not in the frenzied manner he had before. This time, his kiss was soft; almost tender.

When he pulled away, he spoke quietly.

"You will save us all, Commander. And I will see you on the other side."

And with that, he left her standing alone. 


	2. We Are Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [We Are Broken](http://youtu.be/SLm1VS-7SEc)
> 
> Paramore

****

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

The persistent sound was the first thing Shepard became aware of as it annoyingly repeated in her left ear.

Shepard groaned as she slowly gained consciousness. Her eyes opened one at a time, painfully taking in the dim light of the room she found herself in. Taking stock of her surroundings, she discovered she was in a hospital bed, two chairs next to her bed on the left and one chair on her right.

And not a soul sitting in any of those chairs to greet her.

Her mind still felt foggy, but a wave of sudden remembrance washed over her - the last thing she remembered. A string of events that had put her in this hospital bed. Blood leaking from her side wound. Three choices. A strange holographic boy. Gunshots at a red tube with Earth hovering in the distance.

Without thinking, she raised her left hand to her waist and felt for the bandages she assumed would be there. To her surprise, she found none. She felt all around her torso, searching for the tell-tale signs of the battle, her race to the beam with Ashley and Liara at her side, the nightmare of Anderson and the Illusive Man. All of it resulting in a choice she was sure would kill her.

She had been so sure of her own death that day. Now she couldn't even find a trace that she had been injured at all.

Her head fell back on her pillow in confusion.

_What the hell is going on?_ she thought, briefly shutting her eyes to ward off the fuzziness that threatened to overtake her and put her back to sleep. In that same moment, she realized what a chore it had been to simply raise her head and use her arms to feel her ribcage. Her body felt lethargic - more tired than she could ever remember feeling in her life.

Though she had only been awake for a few minutes, she was already exhausted and felt like she could sleep for days.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sound in the hallway. The door to her room was open. Shepard wasn't sure why she hadn't noticed the people walking by before. She silently cursed the fuzziness in her brain that interfered with her powers of observation - powers that she generally prided herself on. All of this felt so new, as if she was not who she was before; new and utterly confusing. But whatever had happened to her, she saw the people now. Some were in uniform. Some were clearly hospital staff. Others were family members or civilians in regular garb.

None of them noticed her watching them through the open door of her hospital room. Commander Shepard sat alone in her hospital bed, watching the world walk by her.

She chuckled to herself quietly at the thought that was almost painfully familiar - the fact that in the end, Shepard was always alone.

_No, not always alone_ , she grimaced inwardly. _The last time I woke up like this, there was gunfire, and Miranda's voice in my ear, and Jacob was there...the first face I saw when -_

She stopped herself before she let that thought go anywhere more painful than it already was while consciously averting her eyes away from the empty chair next to her hospital bed.

Suddenly, the bustle of the hallway slowed. A crowd was gathering around a screen on the wall opposite her door. Shepard had to shift in her bed to be able to see it. Moving herself a few inches to the side almost tired her enough to pass out, but she grit her teeth and pulled herself up and over with all her might. She was breathing heavily when she turned back to see the screen that had drawn handfuls of people. But just as she would have been able to see it, a figure entered the doorway of her room and blocked her view.

"By the Goddess! You're awake!" An asari doctor with an exceptionally light skin tone was rushing to her. The bright pigment of her skin and tattoos contrasted with the dim light of the room, almost providing her with a halo that forced Shepard to blink against its aura. The doctor's dimples deepened into a huge smile as she turned on her omni-tool and spoke quickly. "Doctor Felton, you need to come to Room 429B right away. She's _awake_!"

" _Awake?!?! I'll be right there!"_ came a fast-talking salarian voice in response through the doctor's omni-tool as the asari approached Shepard's bedside.

"Commander Shepard," the woman said with a slight hint of awe to her tone as she began to check the monitors surrounding the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," Shepard replied wanly, attempting to smile but finding that the muscles in her face were too sore to do much more than supply the doctor with a weak, pinched grin. Talking was as much a chore as everything else she had attempted since waking.

_Shit, what happened to me???_ she thought, but she didn't have the energy to voice the emotion behind those words.

"Doctor," her raspy, unused voice cracked as she struggled to form words. "How long..."

That was all she could manage to say as her vocal muscles gave out on her. Even her eyelids were failing, but Shepard willed them to stay open with all her might. The asari doctor just smiled at her warmly and said, "Shhh, Commander. Don't try to talk and don't worry about that for now. It's a miracle that you are alive and it's truly amazing that you are awake so soon after...well, as I said, let's not worry about that now. I'm Doctor Selina and now that you're awake, the real work will begin. But don't worry; we will have you back to health in no time."

Shepard didn't have the focus to say anything more. She could feel herself floating in and out of consciousness, but she forced her eyes to stay open. She still wanted to see what it was that had captured the attention of the hospital patrons in the hall.

Doctor Selina seemed to notice where her eyes had wandered and interrupted Shepard's concentration.

"You know, you have a screen here in your own room. I say, it is rather fortuitous that you woke up today. It's a big day for humans. Although, it seems that since your appointment as a Spectre, every day is a big day for the human race, thanks to you."

Shepard knew that the babbling doctor meant well, but she didn't care at the moment. Selina was lucky that she was too incapacitated to move, because Shepard had a great desire to slap her mouth right off her face. Anything to stop the doctor's endless prattle.

_Good to see you haven't changed, Shep_ , she thought ruefully. _Perhaps if you weren't so damned offensive and heartless you wouldn't have woken up alone in the hospital today...Maybe Jacob would have stayed...._

"Would you like me to turn it on for you in here?" Selina asked. Shepard couldn't nod, her neck muscles were too tired to move, but she tried to meet the doctor's eyes with a look that said yes.

She sat back and tried to relax without falling asleep as the screen above her bed flashed to life.

_" - to all of you who have tuned in for this evening's special broadcast."_

_Fucking al-Jilani_ , Shepard sighed inwardly. _Will I never be rid of her?_

_"The galaxy has made great strides in its repairs since the end of the Reaper War,"_ Jilani continued on the screen. _"We lost many good men and women in the fight for our civilization, but thanks to Commander Shepard and the efforts of her crew on the Normandy, as well as countless others who fought the good fight to preserve our lives and our freedom, we are here today to celebrate another step in our progress."_

_The Normandy_ , Shepard would have sat up if she could, but her muscles refused to cooperate. _Where are they? Where's my crew?_

_"Much of the progress made by the Alliance has been directed by two brilliant human soldiers. One of them is Admiral Steven Hackett, now Ambassador Hackett as you all know, but the one you may not know as well is the man we are honored to present shortly after his ceremony inducting him as the third human Spectre."_

Now that was a surprise. The Council must truly be grateful to whoever this person was to grant the human race another Spectre. Someone to add to the short list that included herself and Ashley.

_Ashley_ , Shepard thought again. _Where the fuck is my crew?_

Her mind was so confused and lost - her thoughts floating every which way. She blinked to clear her head and refocused her attention on the screen above her.

_"Let's tune into the ceremony now as it begins."_ And the screen left al-Jilani's face, now showing a human man in Alliance dress uniform standing before the Council on the Citadel.

_Well, the Council sure repaired the Citadel quickly enough_ , Shepard thought with a silent huff. _Of course they did...appearances were always more important to them than anything else...._

But her frustrated thoughts halted as she began to recognize the form of the man standing on the platform of the Presidium. Her eyes widened although it hurt to do so. She didn't hear the words that the councilors said. She simply watched in stunned silence as it registered to her who it was that was becoming the third human Spectre.

When he turned around and faced the cheering crowds on the Citadel, walking in stride with a smile down the steps toward the reporters that clamored to interview him, she knew she had been right. She would never forget those light grey-blue eyes. Those very same eyes that had captivated her and given her a few moments of much needed relief before plunging down a rockslide that she had been sure would kill her. Those eyes that tore her heart with conflicting emotions - embarrassment and shame at her rash action before plunging headfirst toward her death on one hand; and on the other, hope that she would see him again in person. She had not thought to live past her rush for the beam. She had not thought when she last saw those eyes that she would live to see them again.

But she was alive. And _he_ was alive. And his very alive eyes were staring back at her from the screen.

 

_"You will save us all, Commander. And I will see you on the other side."_

 

Al-Jilani had captured him first as the newest Spectre tried to retreat to a skycar. Shepard watched as he stopped to answer her questions before disappearing.

_"How does it feel to be the next human Spectre?"_ al-Jilani asked.

_"It feels like I have a great legacy to uphold_ ," Major - now Spectre - Coats said. " _The two human Spectres before me set the bar extremely high. Ashley Williams, though still missing with her crew, was a smart and extremely talented soldier. And we all know what an exemplary person Commander Shepard is."_

_"You speak about the Commander as if you know her. Did you have much of a chance to work with her before the Crucible fired?"_

So the Crucible _had_ fired. And it seemed to have worked. Perhaps the war was over completely. She definitely didn't see any signs of Reapers in the broadcast from a repaired Citadel. The fogged pieces in Shepard's brain were beginning to come together as she listened to the interview with Coats.

But she watched with even more interest at the way Coats' face softened again - the way it had before he bid her farewell in the safe zone. Before they had all descended toward their destiny.

_"I only knew the Commander for a brief while,"_ Coats replied, his voice softer than before. _"But let me say this, she is as amazing as they say she is. Her fighting spirit and ability to conquer impossible odds are something for all soldiers and Spectres to model. It is an honor to count myself among the number of those who have served with her."_

_"Many of us were saddened by the news of her condition after the war, so let me ask you this, Spectre Coats. Do_ you _believe that Commander Shepard will wake up?"_

Shepard heard an audible chorus of gasps from the hallway. The eyes beyond her door were all still trained on the screen over her head. Apparently Doctors Selina and Felton, who had arrived a few moments into the broadcast, had not told the general public or anyone else of her consciousness just yet. Shepard wished she could laugh at the irony of situation - the Commander awake in her bed behind a group of surprised citizens all waiting with baited breath to hear whether the new Spectre thought she would awake or not.

Shepard tried to furrow her brow at that, but again her muscles failed her. _Why would they be so surprised for me to be awake?_ she wondered. _How long have I -_

_"I believe she will,"_ Coats said and Shepard heard murmurs from the crowd in the hall. _"Commander Shepard was never one to give up. She fought for all of us and if we all continue to believe in her, I_ know _that we will see her amongst us again."_

_"But aren't your beliefs a little misplaced?_ " Al-Jilani puffed and Shepard smirked inwardly. _I'm awake right now, you stupid bitch_ , she thought, but again, the muscles in her throat and neck stopped her from saying it out loud.

But Shepard was not prepared for what the reporter said next. _"Isn't six months a little long to hold out hope that Commander Shepard will awaken? What is your position on keeping her sustained by machines?"_

_Six months?_ Shepard thought with dismay. _Six months?!?! How badly was I injured...what if I will never move again???_

Doctor Selina looked at her then, apparently enjoying the same irony she was, but also catching the concern in Shepard's eyes.

"Commander," she said. "Don't you listen to that blockhead of a reporter. You have been out for a significant amount of time, but we will get you walking and back to your old self in a matter of months. The time will pass quicker than you can imagine. Now, please try to relax. I will let you finish watching the broadcast, but then you need to sleep some more. Tomorrow will be better. I promise."

Shepard would have nodded if she could, but she just blinked a weak response.

_"Listen to this,"_ Coats was saying on the screen. _"The Commander never gave up fighting for all of us and I won't give up hoping for her. She deserves that. From all of us. The honors and accolades I received today would mean nothing and probably would not have even happened if she had not been who she was years ago when this all began."_

_"And just what will you focus on now that you have become a Spectre?"_ al-Jilani asked, clearly trying to change the subject.

_"I plan to do what I think Shepard would do."_ Those light blue eyes dropped slightly and he looked at the floor. Shepard wished she could sit up to see him better, but she still couldn't move.

_"I will make all efforts to scour the system for materials to assist in the rebuilding of the relays and find the Normandy - her crew. Her friends. And all other survivors in the galaxy. This war took enough from us. It is time we all worked together to repair it, and_ that _is my top priority."_

Al-Jilani looked about ready to say something more, but Coats stopped her as he raised his head again, his electric eyes staring straight into the camera.

_"Shepard really did save us all. And I promised her I would see her on the other side. And when I_ do _see her again, when I look into her eyes, I want to be able to tell her that I did all I could to continue what she started and repair the damage done by this war."_

That silenced the reporters, the crowd on the Presidium and even the hospital watchers. Shepard noticed Selina wipe a stray tear from her eye as she returned to her work. Doctor Felton clasped the asari on the shoulder briefly before leaving the room. Shepard and Selina were the only two people to watch the new Spectre duck into a skycar and take off into the simulated evening of the Citadel.

"That Major..." the doctor said, turning back to Shepard and brushing away yet another tear. "He's been a fantastic help to the repair effort. Everyone knows his name. And _wherever_ he goes,  he gives you credit for everything."

_He really shouldn't_ , Shepard thought grimly. _If only he knew who I really am...I don't deserve any such thing...three choices...and none of them the right one. So many lives lost because of me...Because of my weakness..._

"Well, it's time for you to get some more rest," the doctor smiled as she flicked off the screen. "The real work starts tomorrow."

And with that, Shepard was alone again. She turned her eyes back to the screen. It was dark. Black. Empty. But as sleep overtook her, Shepard could see the glowing light grey-blue eyes of the newest human Spectre, as if he were still looking at her from al-Jilani's camera.

 

_"And I will see you on the other side..."_

 


	3. Giving Up the Gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Giving Up the Gun](http://youtu.be/bccKotFwzoY)
> 
> Vampire Weekend

Visitors were not people Shepard was used to seeing.

"Commander Shepard," Hackett's uncharacteristically cheery voice echoed from the doorway. "It's good to see you up and about."

The nurse helping Shepard through her brief obstacle course in the physical therapy room pulled up Shepard's wheelchair and let her fall back into it. She released the metal bars she had been gripping as she felt the safety of the chair beneath her.

_My wheelchair...never thought that would happen_.

The nurse tossed Shepard a towel to wipe the sweat droplets from her face and neck. She wanted to keep working, but secretly, she was grateful for the break. Getting her legs back in working order was harder than she had expected. She _would_ walk and run and fight again, but it would take time and patience - the latter being something Shepard was terrible with.

But Commander Shepard wasn't one to give up. She was working tirelessly - or at least as much as Doctors Selina and Felton would allow her - to repair her apathetic muscles, and she was making real progress.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to visit sooner," Hackett said, pulling a chair from the side of the window-lined room. "I have new duties that have kept me busier than I would have liked."

"I've only been awake for a week and a half, sir," Shepard replied, dabbing her face with the towel. "Took me a couple of days to be able to eat solid food. I don't blame you or anyone else for not wanting to see me in that state."

Hackett's face could see right through her. He knew she was lying, and dammit, it _did_ hurt that the only person who had come to visit her had been Miranda. Even that visit was simply to check with the doctors who were attending her and check up on her progress. No one else had come to see her since the news had broken of her revived consciousness. The hospital refused to let the news crews in and she was glad for that. But not another soul had wanted to see her? Not even...Jacob?

"Believe me, Shepard," Hackett interrupted her thoughts, thankfully. "That wouldn't have kept me away. The galaxy owes you a great debt. I know that's a mere platitude, but after all the time we've served together and all you have given to humanity and the galaxy at large, the least I could do is make time to see you."

She would never admit how she truly felt for this man. Anderson had been kind to her, but Shepard had always found his warm nature a little too soft, too overbearing. Hackett, on the other hand, was more of a father figure to her than anyone else she had worked with. She never knew her own father, but she often pictured that he would have looked like Steven Hackett - rough, scarred, gruff, all business, and no nonsense.

Even if he wasn't what her father looked like, she _wished_ that he was.

"I was just following orders, _Ambassador_ ," she said with a grin, leaning on the use of his new title with a sarcastic lilt.

Hackett rewarded her with a laugh.

"We both know you went far above and beyond the call of duty," he said with a smile. "Which is why I'm especially sorry I didn't make it here to see you sooner."

There wasn't much to say after that. Hackett averted his eyes briefly and looked out at the bright, sunny day in London. Shepard looked down at her hands, placed carefully in her lap on top of her skinny, untoned legs.

_We'll get you there_ , she told the sticks that protruded out from beneath her torso. _We'll get you back in shape and we'll run out there in that sun like we've never run before._

Hackett seemed to sense her unease, finally opening his mouth to speak again.

"How are you holding up, Shepard?" he asked. And then, as if realizing how awkward his question was, added, "I mean, I know you well enough to know that this is not the situation you would like."

"What was your first clue?" she huffed in reply.

"I just …" The Ambassador hesitated for a second, meeting her eyes with his own and communicating his regret and sadness to her. Shepard sat straight in her chair, refusing to give into the kindness he showed her. Yes, she cared for him. Yes, it meant something to her that he was worried about her. Hell, it meant something to her that he was even here at all.

But she would never let him or anyone else see what lay beneath those green eyes and fiery red hair. She would never let them see her weakness.

"I care about my soldiers, Commander," Hackett said, straightening up in his own seat. "What you've done for the galaxy - well, dammit, you deserve so much better than this. I just wanted you to know that if there's anything the Alliance, the Council, or -"

He paused, his demeanor softening again.

"Or anything I can do for you, you know that it will be done."

Shepard held stock still for several moments, struggling to keep her emotions in check and refusing to let them surface. Her leg muscles might not want to work yet, but her face muscles were completely under control.

"I appreciate that, sir," she finally nodded. "The only thing I'm concerned about now is the state of my crew. Have you heard from them?"

Hackett's face lit up at that.

"Actually, I'm glad you asked," he said. "We just received a communication from them a few days ago. The Normandy is damaged, but not beyond repair. The crew is working to get the ship in running order again and we are working to get the relays back up on our end. Hopefully one or the other of those things will happen very soon. I anticipate they should be home within a few weeks."

"That's the best fucking news I've heard since I woke up," Shepard replied with a smile as big as she could manage while Hackett chuckled at her enthusiastic response. "And they're all alive?"

"From the communique we received, they seem to be all right. Their communications were down on board the ship for a while when they crashed on some isolated planet in the Exodus Cluster, but they are alright. They got the communications working first so they could contact us."

"Excellent," Shepard said and sat back in her wheelchair.

Ashley, Joker, Liara, Chakwas, Vega, Garrus...they were all going to be ok. And soon she would have her real friends around her again.

"There's something else I want to ask you, Shepard," Hackett said, his eyes flitting nervously from side to side. Shepard raised a hand to tell him to continue. "We've held back the reporters from seeing you and we've kept back most of your requested visitors. I'm wondering if there is anyone you would like us to let through."

"You what?!" Shepard asked in disbelief. "You've been holding back people who wanted to see me?"

"We thought it was for the best," Hackett said, cringing at her angry response. "We weren't sure what your mental state would be when you awoke. We wanted to make sure all was well before we let those who have wanted to see you bombard you with questions and tire you while you try to get better."

"Who the hell is 'we'?" she asked, still enraged.

"Myself, the Alliance, the Council."

"Fuck! Keep the damn Council and the Alliance out of my life, ok? And if there are people who want to see me, let them come!"

"Understood, Commander. I will let the hospital staff notify those who have tried to visit you. However, you will have to negotiate your visiting hours with your doctors yourself. They have been resistant to you receiving visitors at all."

Shepard was annoyed, but she wasn't as angry as she thought she might be at the news that whatever friends she had on Earth were being kept from her. Part of her was simply relieved that there were people who _wanted_ to see her.

"Just out of curiosity," she said tentatively, "who has asked to see me?"

Hackett relaxed and smiled, sitting back in his chair.

"We let Miranda see you for medical purposes," he began. "But Wrex has asked several times to see you. And Jack hasn't stopped pestering my office. In fact, she has made several violent threats against my life if I didn't let her be cleared to see you soon."

Shepard let out a guttural laugh.

"Goddamn! I want to see her _today_!" she huffed.

"I think that can be arranged. She's still working with her biotic trainees, but I'm sure she will make time to see you." Hackett's eyes twinkled as he added, "Plus, that will get her far away from me."

Shepard still couldn't find it within herself to be angry. She was too excited at the prospect of seeing Jack, Wrex, and any other friends who had actually wanted to see her. Perhaps she wasn't as alone as she first thought.

That thought triggered a question that she wished she had thought through before vocalizing.

"What about Jacob?"

The Ambassador just looked at her. He blinked once. Twice. Finally, he spoke.

"He has been consulting with our training programs, but because of his prior history with Cerberus, we are reluctant to reinstate him," Hackett responded slowly.

"That's not what I meant, sir," Shepard winced, still upset with herself for even broaching this subject. But Hackett wasn't going to make it easy on her. He said nothing until she pushed him further.

She straightened in her seat and said with her chin raised, "Has Taylor asked to see me?"

Hackett licked his lips before replying.

"No, Shepard. He hasn't. He has been very busy with -"

"Don't make any fucking excuses for him," Shepard looked away with clenched teeth and fists. She didn't want to hear anymore. She definitely didn't want to ask him about Coats at that point either. What would she say?

_Hey Hackett, you haven't had a chance to talk to my desperate-we're-about-to-die fuck buddy Coats, have you? It would be nice if he dropped by._

No fucking way was she going to go there.

She shifted restlessly in her seat. Staring out the window, she thought she could see some children playing a game of tag in the courtyard below.

"It was good to see you, Shepard," Hackett said abruptly, standing up and extending his hand.

"Good to see you too, sir," she responded by accepting his offered hand.

With that characteristic twinkle in his eye, he continued, "I think I can be in touch with Jack within the hour. I will send her over right away."

"I'd like that. Thank you."

Hackett just nodded as he headed for the door. Before exiting, he turned around and faced her again.

"No, Shepard. Thank you. Thank you for all you have done. I will come by and see you tomorrow if that's alright."

"I would enjoy that, sir," Shepard said, trying to smile. She really would enjoy speaking with the Ambassador if he cared to visit her. Having people who cared enough to see her as she tried to repair her life and body - well, that made her feel more alive than she had since she woke up.

And with another nod, Hackett's figure disappeared from the doorway while Shepard returned her attention to the children playing in the courtyard.


	4. Stars in Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Stars in Your Eyes](http://youtu.be/tYWWPuBRy7A)
> 
> Armor for Sleep

"So remember when I told you I'd kiss a turian if you ordered me to, Skipper?"

Shepard laughed as she leaned on the bench to catch her breath. Ashley's presence back on Earth was more than welcome since the repair of the closest relays had been completed and the Normandy had returned.

"Seems like forever ago, but yeah, I remember. What brought that up?" Shepard panted as she took a seat, reaching for the towel she had left at this spot, knowing she would need it when they returned from their run - Shepard's first real run outside since the end of the War.

"Well...you don't have to order me to do it anymore."

Ashley took a seat next to Shepard on the bench. Her former gunnery chief's breathing was clearly not as hard as Shepard's was, but her chest was still heaving. Whether it was from the run or from nervousness about Shepard's reaction to Ashley's revelation, she wasn't sure. As a matter of fact, she wasn't entirely sure she understood what Ashley's revelation was.

"So...what...?" Shepard ask, puzzled.

"Me and Garrus," Ashley replied, a smile twitching in the corner of her mouth, but her face was still pointed downward.

"Hmm...well..." Shepard wasn't exactly sure what to say, so she just said the first thing that came to mind. "Never would have seen that coming."

Ashley threw her head back and laughed. Shepard laughed along with her, still unsure how Ashley expected her to react to this.

"So...you're ok with it?" Ashley asked when she stopped laughing and turned to look at Shepard.

"Of course I am," Shepard answered as she patted the back of her neck with the towel in her hand. "I'm glad some people found happiness in all this mess. And the two of you - well, it's unconventional to say the least, but you're two of my best friends. Strangely enough...it fits."

"Yeah, well..." Ashley still seemed hesitant even though Shepard had tried to reassure her. Shepard concentrated on slowing her breathing so she could hear her friend better over the pounding of her heart. "Garrus and I spent a lot of time together while we were stranded. Things just kind of...grew from there."

"I could have told you that you had a lot in common a long time ago," Shepard smirked. "Too bad it took you so long to get over the xenophobic thing."

Ashley rolled her eyes and sighed. "You're never going to let me live that down. Especially not now that I'm...dating...a turian. But yeah, we do have a lot in common. We both like big guns."

"Well, to be more accurate, Ash, really you just like _his_ big gun."

"Shit, don't go there."

"Oh, I _will_ go there. You asked for it."

The two women erupted in laughter again and leaned back against the bench. The London skyline was before them. There was still significant damage done to the city, but teams worked round the clock to repair the major cities. Without those cities, commerce and food were hard to distribute to outlying communities. After almost a year since the end of the Reaper War, Earth was starting to look like Earth again.

"Starting to" being the operative words.

Several moments passed in silence before Ashley spoke again.

"It's kind of a nice view from here," she said.

"Yeah," Shepard answered. "It is. It will be even better once everything's all cleaned up."

"I hear that Major Coats has been leading the efforts of the renovation in your honor," Ashley said with a hint of teasing in her voice.

"I hear the same thing," Shepard replied dryly.

"I know I missed most of the news vids while I was gone," Ash continued, "but the last few weeks since our return have been particularly...enlightening."

"And just what do you think you've been enlightened about?"

"Oh...nothing. Or something. I'm not really sure what to think yet."

"You make no sense, Williams."

"Ditto."

"So really...wipe that shit-eating grin off your face and tell me what you meant."

"I meant you and Coats...there's nothing there? He certainly seems to worship the ground you walk on."

Shepard snorted lightly. She wouldn't deny that she thought about the Major...Spectre...often, but he didn't seem to really think about her. Shepard had come to the conclusion that he threw her name around simply to get news attention. For all his talk, not once had he come to visit her since the news hit she was awake.

Not once.

She refused to let herself be depressed or feel embarrassed. What did they have really? Nothing. A hot, quick fuck in a dark alley before she ran for the beam. That was all there was between them.

 

_"You will save us all, Commander. And I will see you on the other side."_

 

Shepard shook her head and sighed. Ashley was still waiting for an answer, so she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Apparently not. I haven't seen him since before the run for the beam. He hasn't come to see me at all."

"That's not what I heard."

That surprised Shepard. "Just what have you heard?" she asked with raised eyebrows.

"I heard that he came to see you every time he was in London while you were in a coma." Ashley's smirk was hardly hidden with that remark.

"Who the hell said that?"

"Dr. Selina."

Now it was all clear. Shepard rolled her eyes before she responded.

"Dr. Selina's a romantic. She was trying to hook me up with just about every eligible person who walked into my room. I'm not surprised she would make up a story like that to loop you in on her matchmaking adventure into my life."

Shepard couldn't be too upset with the asari doctor. She had taken good care of Shepard and been very patient with her during recovery. If not for Dr. Selina's careful attentions, Shepard was sure she would not have healed as quickly as she did. But the doctor was still a meddler. A sweet, well-meaning meddler, but a meddler, nonetheless.

"Dr. Felton confirmed it."

Shepard couldn't explain why her heart started beating faster at that revelation. She still wasn't sure she believed it, but why would Ashley lie? And if this was the truth, why hadn't Coats come to see her since she was awake? Why would he care so much while she was in a coma, but not now that her eyes could actually meet his with their piercing, grey-blue electricity?

And why was she so upset about this anyway?

"What the fuck, Ash?" Shepard finally responded, trying to shake off the awkwardness of the conversation and the confusing feelings in her chest. "Why are you checking up on me with my doctors?"

"Just worried about my friend, Skipper," Ashley bumped her shoulder against Shepard's. "Wanted to make sure they didn't fuck anything up."

"And just what do you know about medicine?"

"Nothing. But Karin does. And I dragged her along."

"Well, good work, snoop. Anything else you want to know about my medical history? Allergies? Any major surgeries I've had? Oh wait...Cerberus _rebuilt_ me. That was pretty major, but you already knew about that. How about the date of my last menstrual cycle?"

"Shit, Shep. I was just worried about you." But she laughed and shook her head at Shepard's teasing.

The sun was starting to burn into Shepard's skin as it rose high overhead. Clearly, it was no longer early morning. She felt herself sweating again, not from running, but from the simple heat of the sun. And Shepard was definitely ready for a change of pace from this conversation.

"You ready to go back?" she asked, standing and smiling at Ashley.

"Yeah." Ashley stood and walked in stride next to Shepard. "So, what are you going to do now?"

"Oh, I'll probably grab a shower and then head over to see Garrus and tease him mercilessly about what you've just told me."

Ashley chuckled and replied, "Well, sure, I expected _that._ But that's not what I was talking about?"

"What did you mean then?"

"I meant...what will you _do_ now? The war is over. Your friends are home. You seem to be in relatively good health although I think your endurance could use a little more work." Shepard tossed Ashley a harsh glance at that last remark only to see her friend smiling at her as she continued. "I just meant...what are your plans, you know...for work, for..."

Ashley trailed off and Shepard stopped walking. Ashley stopped with her, watching her in silence, waiting for a response.

"Honestly, Ash, I have no idea."

She started walking again and mulled over Ashley's question in her head. What _was_ she going to do now? She still had some more physical recovery to worry about - clearly she was not in her best shape, but that would be fixed soon enough.

What did she _want_ to do now?

"I...have an idea, if you'd like to hear it," Ashley broke into Shepard's thoughts.

"Shoot," Shepard said as they approached the outpatient wing of the hospital.

"The Council is working on repair efforts all over the galaxy, or at least as much of it as we can reach. Repairing worlds, bringing supplies to races that have been stranded for months, assisting the science teams as they work on the relays. We could still use you, Skipper."

"And just what would I be doing?"

"All those things I mentioned. Traveling all over the galaxy, helping people pick up the pieces. Organizing the relief effort. And there would be a promotion in it for you..." Ashley dangled that last sentence with a teasing tone. Shepard just laughed and shook her head.

"No more big bads for me to take out?"

"Not that I know of, Shep."

"That's too bad. I'm much better at wiping out entire races than I am at repairing them."

The bite behind that statement was tangible. It wasn't targeted at Ashley, but Shepard still noticed her friend flinch. It wasn't anyone's fault really. What choice did she really have in that moment?

_Well, really, you had three choices. You just happened to pick the one that wiped out millions of sentient beings..._

"Nobody blames you for -"

"Save it, Ash," Shepard said as they stepped inside her private quarters and shut the door. "I know they don't. I shouldn't have said anything. They're my own...demons...to deal with, I guess."

Ashley still didn't say anything. She just stood in silence as Shepard began to gather her items for a quick shower. Finally, Shepard sighed and looked at her friend.

"I'll do it on one condition," she said as she grabbed her towel and threw it over her shoulder.

"Name it," Ashley replied with a grin.

"I want the Normandy."


	5. Good for You Is Good for Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Good for You Is Good for Me](http://youtu.be/KvE-f6GZlnw)
> 
> The Walkmen

It had been a long time since Shepard had lived in a place where she could run outdoors whenever she wanted. She'd been living on ships or stopping on bases since she joined the Alliance. But now, as she worked every day to repair the damage done to her body on the last day of the war, she ran as much as she could.

She loved the feeling of the sun the most. The _real_ sun. Not the simulated sunlight of the Citadel. Not the dim light of a ship. A hot, burning sun that lit the planet and fed it with the energy its inhabitants needed to be alive. And it made her feel alive, too.

She almost felt like a real person again. The damage to her body after the Crucible fired had been extensive. She had been crushed beneath heavy objects and the wounds had gone untreated for far too long. But thanks to the care of doctors Selina and Felton, with a little help from Miranda along the way, her body had healed at a remarkable pace. And while she gave the doctors a hard time and complained about how slow the progress was, in truth, she was more grateful than she knew how to express for their patience and diligence in repairing her wrecked body.

Ashley accompanied her on her runs more often than not, but today, Shepard was on her own as Ashley had the fine privilege of meeting Garrus's family. Shepard certainly didn't envy her friend. She was chuckling at the thought of Ashley surrounded by a bunch of Vakarians, talking about weaponry and trying to keep a straight face, when she nearly ran over another runner as she rounded the corner.

"Shit!" Her legs twisted with those of the other jogger as they both toppled to the ground. "Watch where yo-"

She stopped mid-word as she realized who it was she had crashed into. Of all the people on all the days in all the worlds, what were the chances she would run into him?

"Commander," Major Coats smiled as he brushed himself off with a smile and stood up, offering her his hand. "This is a pleasant surprise."

She didn't have words yet, so she simply accepted his hand and pulled herself off the ground. She tried to avert her eyes from the bare chest of the handsome marine in front of her, wearing nothing but a pair of running shorts and running shoes.

_Shit is right_. Holy _shit._

But all she managed to say was, "Coats."

"Yep," he replied, that mesmerizingly white smile on his face. "That's the name."

Shepard made a showing of brushing the dirt off her own clothes while she tried to compose her thoughts. Why the hell was she so nervous? Besides, shouldn't she be angry at him? After all, he hadn't come to visit her since she woke up.

_But why would he?_

So they had fucked. That was it. It was a good fuck, but that's all it was - a fuck. Nothing special. Commander Shepard didn't feel. What would she say to him about it anyway?

_"Oh, hey, Coats, wish you would have dropped by to make me feel a little better about pulling rank and fucking you in an alley when I thought I was going to die. By the way, why haven't you come by for a visit?"_

It was then that Shepard realized how completely awkward the moment was and decided she had to say _something_.

"Congratulations on making Spectre," she finally managed to say, looking up into those blue eyes she had only seen on vidscreens or in her imagination since waking from her coma.

"Thank you," the Major replied, inclining his head slightly. "It was indeed an honor."

"I see you've kept busy," she said. "The news doesn't stop covering all your repair work."

"Yes, well," Coats shifted uncomfortably. "I can't seem to shake al-Jilani for the life of me."

Shepard leaned against the wall of the building next to her and laughed heartily as she stretched out the tendon she had twisted in her fall.

"That's al-Jilani for you," she smiled.

"Got any tips for me?" Coats asked, his expression mirroring hers.

"On avoiding al-Jilani?"

"Yeah."

"You could try punching her in the face."

The Major threw back his head and laughed. "I think that's been tried before," he concluded.

"But not by you," Shepard replied.

"Very true."

Awkward silence descended upon them. Shepard didn't really know what to say. Luckily, she didn't have to wait too long as Coats filled the empty air.

"Do you often run this route?" he asked.

"Not usually," she replied a little too quickly. "Ash and I usually run up around the park at the edge of the city. I decided to try something different since she couldn't make it today. I'm more of a city girl anyway."

"Me, too," Coats said with a smile. "Grew up here in London. Born and raised. My family lived here my whole life until -"

He trailed off then and Shepard didn't need him to finish his sentence to know what he was talking about.

_Until the Reapers came_ , she thought. _Until we all lost so much._

Silence in this conversation was horrible for so many reasons. But the one that struck Shepard right then was the look that overtook Coats' face when neither of them could find words to say. His eyes turned down and his frown deepened, but he didn't stop staring into her face with that intense gaze she couldn't turn away from. When he opened his mouth, he only got three words out, but she knew she had to stop him as soon as he started.

"Shepard, I'm sorry -"

"You want to get out of here?" she blurted, the interruption getting out before he could get any further. But the handsome Major's face had become so crestfallen as he spoke of his family - she had to do something to get that dazzlingly white smile back and she had to stop him from broaching the subject she was sure he was about to open.

_Yes_ , she said to him in her head. _I want to hear why you haven't come to visit me, but I'm terrified at the same time. I don't know why I'm terrified, but I am._

"Yeah," he said, a flash of something unreadable passing over his eyes. "My flat's not far from here. Thirsty?"

"You bet."

They walked in silence. Shepard tried to steal glances as they walked, but too often they were stopped or greeted by civilians on the street - civilians who couldn't help but stare as they realized that two of the three human Spectres in the galaxy were walking together down their street in London. She found it interesting that of all the people they briefly said hello to on their three block walk to Coats's apartment, every single one of them felt comfortable enough to walk up to Coats and shake his hand. And to the Major's credit, he politely greeted each of them with a smile and a hello, while all Shepard got from most of the passersby were widened eyes and whispers as she passed.

Suddenly, she felt very self-conscious in her short running shorts and sports bra with all the onlookers staring at her the way they were. She knew they didn't mean to be rude, but even though Shepard had made a name for herself as someone who got things done, consequences be damned, she wasn't sure she would ever really get used to the attention. And she would _never_ be comfortable with it.

But Coats - he seemed perfectly at ease, talking with people on the street, smiling at each person in turn. And it didn't seem fake as she watched him. He genuinely seemed to care for these people that he didn't even know.

"This is me," he said as they reached a tall building on the corner.

The elevator ride was silent on the way up to the apartment. Shepard still couldn't quite grasp the irony or fate that had made her run into Coats today. And she definitely would not have guessed that she would be headed up to his apartment this afternoon.

When the door swung open into his flat, Shepard wasn’t' surprised at what she found. The furniture was modest, but clean and well-placed. The living room they entered smelt warmly of wood, and the whole place was lit by the sun pouring through walls of glass that completely surrounded the apartment.

"Nice view," Shepard commented as she made her way to a desk in front of the window-wall to her left.

"Thanks," Coats called from the next room over. She heard a pop and a hissing sound and then his voice came again. "I'm popping open a beer. You want one?"

"Drinking a little early, aren't we?" she laughed.

"It's afternoon," he said as he reappeared with a smile and handed her a beer, assuming a position next to her and looking out over the London skyline. From Coats' top level flat, the skycars and people bustling below seemed hushed and calm, despite the fact that Shepard knew nothing below them was as it seemed - least of all "calm."

"True," she said. They drank their beers in silence for several moments before Coats spoke up again.

"I spent three days in that fucking tower," he said, teeth clenched, "shooting at anything that moved."

Shepard said nothing, just placed her empty beer bottle on the desk and stared out toward the clock tower in the distance. Big Ben was still standing, mocking them and their plight against the Reapers with its austere and ancient frame.

"The Reapers attacked. I was on base - outside the city."

Shepard wasn't sure why the Major was telling her this, but she definitely wasn't going to interrupt.

"I was trying to make it back to my family. Help them evacuate. I made it as far as that tower before -"

Finally, she did cut him off with a soft touch on his arm. He looked up at her, his eyes sad and heavy. Shepard wasn't known for being gentle - she had surprised even herself with that gesture. She definitely never thought of herself that way, but something about this man made her want to be...different than she was before.

His face softened from its pained expression as he looked at her. Shepard didn't say a word. She just watched in silence as he placed his own empty bottle on the desk and stood a little straighter. Her breath hitched as he moved the arm she had touched and softly stroked the skin of her forearm with his rough fingers.

But she didn't look away. She met his steely, grey eyes with her own bright green ones; trying with all her might to strengthen him. To tell him everything was all right now.

This was all right.

His hand moved up past her elbow and softly caressed the skin of her shoulder before moving to her neck to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. He stopped suddenly and just looked at her. She couldn't help but push back against the pressure of his strong, calloused hand, leaning into his touch and struggling to keep her eyes open beneath his gaze.

Finally, Coats' face collapsed under the strain of holding it expressionless.

"Oh, God, Shepard - I want you!" His words came out in a whispered shout and she felt his hand tremble against her neck.

"Take me," she whispered back. And before she could even think, he was behind her, his bare chest pressing against the skin of her back as he placed kisses up and down her neck where he had brushed away her hair. She tried to stare out at the warm sun with its life-giving light hovering over Big Ben straight ahead of her, but Coats' hands were all over her and she found it hard to even remain conscious.

She braced herself against the desk in front of her and leaned forward as Coats continued to nibble and suck on the tender skin of her neck, his hands searching the skin of her waist and abdomen while moisture pooled between her legs in response to his touch. Her breath came in short gasps when finally the Major's hands snuck up underneath the band of her sports bra and grasped her breasts firmly. When he found her nipples taut and waiting, she heard the Major groan and felt him grip her tighter, pinching and teasing the pink buds at the center of each breast.

Shepard pressed back against Coats and found what she was hoping for - his excitement was pressed hard against her ass and she moaned while reaching back between them to stroke it.

"Shepard..." he whispered in her ear as he bent her down over the desk.

"Oh yes..." she whispered back as his fingers brushed over her waist and ass, finally pushing the material of her short running clothes aside and stroking the wet folds of her cunt with two fingers. "Fuck yes!"

Coats groaned again as he found her clit, and teasingly, he flicked it over and over, alternating slow circles and swift strokes. Shepard thought she might lose it, but just as she reached the edge, he would stop and start again, rubbing his own need against the inside of her thigh.

Shepard finally let her eyes close as she pressed her face against the desk surface, giving up on keeping the tower in sight and simply letting the sensation of Coats's fingers inside her and all over her skin replace the feeling of the hot sun on her flesh.

She heard the Major's own shorts drop to the floor and held her breath as she waited for what she knew was coming. But the Major was in no hurry. Raising her hips slightly, he pulled her shorts off along with her panties and dropped them to the floor with his own. She could only see him out of the corner of her eye as she bent over the desk, but she could hear the hiss of pleasure that escaped him as her bare ass came into view.

He began to massage her curves in circles, occasionally brushing his fingers over her swollen bud or lips. Shepard groaned in sweet agony with each touch and each passing second. Finally, he rewarded her patience and she felt the tip of his length just brush against her entrance, but that was all. He took his time, stroking her clit with one hand while rubbing his erection up and down the surface of her cunt in rhythm with his strokes.

Eventually, he had enough with being patient and placed the tip just inside her entrance. Shepard didn't have to wait long for much more. Apparently, the good Major had held out long enough, because as soon as she let out a soft moan of pleasure at the contact, she heard him exclaim.

"Oh fuck!"

And before she could breathe again, he was pounding into her, the sound of his pelvis slamming into her ass was all that she could hear along with the blood pumping in her ears. The desk shook, knocking both of their empty bottles to the floor with a crash. Shepard cried out as Coats hit the spot just inside her that melted her into a pool of jelly. Gripping the edge of the desk above her head she screamed his name as he increased his pace, the warm sun pouring down on both of them through the glass walls as they came together.

But when it was over, it was just like the last time. Averted eyes while clothes were returned to their proper places. Awkward tidying up of the bottles off the floor and a few papers and items on the desk that had shifted during their ecstasy.

Or maybe it wasn't exactly like the last time. Shepard looked up several times to find the Major still watching her. He didn't look away when she caught him watching her. And each time their eyes met, he smiled at her briefly.

_Well, honestly, who wouldn't smile_ , she thought grimly. _He's gotten to fuck the savior of the galaxy twice now._ _Don't kid yourself, Shep. It's just sex._

She was moving for the door, planning on making a silent escape when she made a sudden change in course.

"Major Coats," she spun around, looking him square in the face and putting on her best Commander mask. He was still watching her, his light eyes unreadable in the bright sunlight.

"Commander?" he asked softly.

"I'm going on a mission in a week," she continued, finding confidence in her soldier voice. "Assuming that Selina, Felton, and Chakwas clear me in a few days, that is. I was wondering if you have any other pressing engagements or if you might like to accompany me on the Normandy for a while?"

He was silent for a few seconds and Shepard tried to ignore the disappointed feeling in her gut. But when his face broke into a smile, the relief she felt forced her to forget any fear she had.

"What's the mission?" he asked.

"It's a repair effort," she replied. "Something I think you would be particularly suited for. You seem to have a way with...people."

"A repair mission, hmmm?" he said, the smile still on his face. "Sounds like it's right up my alley. I'd be happy to join."

"Perfect," she said, releasing a smile of her own. "We leave next Thursday at 0800. But I generally expect my crew to be on board by 0600 on the day we ship out."

"Fine with me," he replied. "I look forward to it."

She didn't know what else to say. Perhaps there was nothing else she should say. But she didn't want to go. She wanted to stay with this man who asked her no questions, pushed her for no responses, and made her skin buzz with energy.

But she knew she couldn't stand there forever.

"I should go," she finally said, turning for the door again.

"Commander -" she heard Coats say and spun back around to face him.

"Thank you," he said.

 

_"You will save us all, Commander. And I will see you on the other side..."_

 

_I guess we're even now_ , she thought as she watched Coats's soft expression.

But instead of replying with words, she just nodded at him with a warm smile and let the elevator door slide shut behind her.


	6. Better off Dancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Better off Dancing](http://youtu.be/heoKnqIlXz8)
> 
> The Donnas

"Good to see your flabby ass back in shape."

"You always did like lookin' at it, Jack."

"Don't flatter yourself," Jack quipped as she plopped on Shepard's couch. "How long are we stuck here?"

"We're just waiting for the revelers to arrive," Shepard sighed as she popped down next to her tattooed friend and handed her a beer. She broke open both their bottles and took a long swig from her own.

"Damn, that feels good going down," Shepard smiled.

"I bet. Those fuckin' doctors wouldn't let you have any fun, would they?"

Shepard chuckled. "Hell no. No drinkin'. No smokin'. At least not until a couple of weeks ago."

"Jesus." Jack took a long drink from her own beer at that. "Glad that's over then."

Shepard's relationship with Jack was an interesting one. Shepard found she actually connected more with Ashley, but Jack was a friend she valued, the biotic's unique personality and rough demeanor something that made Shepard feel strangely comfortable.

At the same time, Jack's presence sometimes rubbed Shepard just the wrong way. When Jack spoke about feeling alone and her partner that had died...well, sometimes that was just too much for Shepard to handle. Too many memories of her own from a youth gone astray on Earth with only the Reds to comfort her. She tried to forget those days as much as possible - the crime, the pain, the sex, the loneliness - and with just a few words, sometimes Jack brought all of that to the surface.

But not tonight. Tonight was the official release date of Commander, now Rear Admiral, Shepard. The new title was something she wasn't sure she would ever get used to, but it was still there. She had been promoted and was preparing for the "Victory Tour", as she liked to call it. In actuality, they were going to "repair the galaxy," or at least that was the official statement. Victory Tour was really a more appropriate term.

"So how long are we gonna wait?" Jack asked impatiently, reaching for another beer. "I'm ready to get the hell out of here."

"Me, too," Shepard said, checking her omni-tool for the time and any messages. "We can always tell the rest of them to meet us at the bar."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

Standing in unison, both women headed for the door. Shepard felt nothing but relief and excitement as she sent a message to the rest of their friends and made their way to the Flux. The war was over. Her health had almost completely returned. All her friends had survived the final attack and come back to her on Earth. The galaxy was in repair mode, not war mode.

For the first time in her life, Shepard felt like it might be ok to relax, just for a bit.

The doors slid open and Shepard and Jack stepped into the dark light of the club. The music pumping in the background matched the rhythm of her blood as it marched through her veins.

"Shepard, don't try and follow me," Jack said as she headed straight for the dance floor. "You'll just embarrass yourself."

Shepard waved her friend away.

"I'll get us a couple of tables," she called over the din of the club. "Get plenty of drinks delivered so you can get as wasted as you want when you're done."

"Aye, aye, _Rear_ Admiral!"

"I can tell that title's going to get old real fast."

Jack mocked a salute as she turned her back on Shepard, who did as she had promised. She settled on a couple of tables in the corner that looked like there were enough accommodations for all her expected friends. She ordered copious amounts of alcohol and made sure the club assigned them a waitress or waiter on call.

She was already feeling the effects of too many months without a drop of alcohol when her friends finally started to appear in the club.

"Getting trashed without us, Shep?" Kasumi said as she appeared at her side. "That's just rude."

"You were too slow," Shepard replied.

"That's what she said," Joker piped in as he joined the conversation.

"Your jokes always sucked, Joker."

"Have a bit more to drink, Commander - I mean, _Rear Admiral_ , and we'll see whose jokes suck then."

"Shepard," Garrus drawled, sitting down with his arm around Ashley's waist. "Glad to see you up and about."

"Good to be here," she smiled, tipping her glass at her friends' arrival. As the rest of the crew filed in and found their tables in the back, Jack finally left the dance floor and joined them.

"Took you guys long enough," she said, downing a shot from the table. "I was beginning to think all of you were too old and fat for a night out anymore. All settled in with cushy jobs and high pay raises."

"Ha," Garrus grunted. "Running C-Sec isn't exactly a pay raise."

"How did I ever become friends with a cop?" Shepard asked, shaking her head with a grin.

"You needed some style on that ship, Shepard," her favorite turian grinned. "Everyone knows it."

"Which is why she had me," Liara pitched in with a grin. "No one wants the turians' stoic, military style. The Normandy was a piece of art in its own rite. It needed artistic and creative people aboard to complement it."

"And that was you, T'Soni?" Garrus added. "Your nose was always buried in a datapad or attached to those screens in your quarters. I didn't see you dressing up the ship with any art.

"Art," Grunt chimed in. "Who needs art anyway?"

"All cultures have some form of art," Liara began. "It may be -"

"Krogan don't!" Grunt retorted, almost with an offended tone.

"And that is exactly the point, Grunt," Garrus joked. The crew laughed as Grunt finally put together the pieces of the insult. With any other group as diverse as this one, the conversation could have been truly offensive, but with this group -

"Sorry I'm running late."

Shepard smiled and moved over to make room for Tali.

"Glad you could make it, Tali," Ashley called from her seat next to Garrus.

"Wouldn't miss Shepard's party for the world," Tali replied through her helmet. "I'm just glad we're all together again."

"Don't go getting all mushy on me now," Shepard teased and took another drink as she watched Jack head back into the crowd to dance. "And to make this party decidedly _un_ -mushy, I'm going to find my way to the dance floor and embarrass all of you."

"Is that what it is called in this cycle?" Javik piped up near Liara. "I thought perhaps when you moved like that, Commander, that you were having some sort of seizure."

"Fuck you!" Shepard shouted good-naturedly over the din as she rose from her seat. When the rest of her friends laughed at her expense, she smiled and said, "Fuck all of you! Now who is going to embarrass themselves on the dance floor with me?"

Most of the crew rose to their feet with mocking grins and followed Shepard to where Jack was waiting for all of them on the dance floor.

"Finally came to join me, eh fuckers?" Jack shouted as she shimmied up and down the muscular figure of a man who was clearly much more into Jack than she was into him. Shepard just tossed her head and placed her hands on her hips.

"It's not a party without Commander Fucking Shepard making an ass of herself by dancing!"

And with that, she lost herself in the crowd - or more accurately, the crowd avoided her as much as possible. Her jerking, flailing movements got some laughs and odd looks from the surrounding club patrons, but just at the moment that they would have pointed a finger and mocked her more seriously, each person on the dance floor seemed to recognize her. The mocking stares turned into looks of surprise, admiration, and excitement.

Commander Shepard was in the club and she definitely knew how to make her presence known.

And she was having fun. Shepard didn't care one wit if she looked like an idiot. She was here and with her friends; she almost felt alive.

But not quite. There was still something missing...

She wouldn't think about that for now. She didn't want to think about Jacob or Coats or men in general. She wanted to enjoy the buzz she was already feeling from the drinks she had consumed and the energy that pulsed through her veins as she moved blissfully out-of-time to the music. As Shepard looked around her, she saw that her friends were similarly enjoying themselves. Tali stuck by her side while Garrus and Ashley had found their own space accompanied by Liara and Javik. Grunt had opted to stay in his seat drinking ryncol like water along with Joker, Gabby, Ken, and a few other old crew members, but Cortez and Vega had come to dance. Both of them had found particularly good-looking dance partners on the floor as well - Vega with a tiny blonde thing in a skin tight dress and Cortez with a handsome marine on leave.

It was a good night.

Eventually, Shepard felt her thirst getting the better of her. She fanned herself and mouthed to Tali over the music, "Need water." Tali nodded and followed. It was as the two women approached their table that Shepard saw him. Rather, she felt him before they made eye contact. His presence electrified the air between them as it always did when she saw him - whether it was in person or on the vidscreen.

"Who invited him?" Shepard asked breathlessly as she stopped in her tracks.

Tali turned to see who Shepard meant and shrugged. "Ashley is my guess. I figured the two of you were close - he talks about you all the time on the news."

Shepard didn't answer, just resumed her previous course, rolled her shoulders back and gritted her teeth to stop them from their nervous chattering.

_Fuck, Shep_. _What is wrong with you?_

"Major Coats?" she asked, trying to smile as the Major stood to greet her.

"I hope you don't mind I came," the Major replied with a flash of teeth. Shepard nearly gasped at their whiteness. "Williams invited me."

He shrugged and Tali whispered in Shepard's ear, "Told you it was Ashley."

"I will have words for her later," Shepard replied out of the corner of her mouth, but to Coats she said, "Welcome to the party. We're here to celebrate my return to the world by getting shitfaced and making asses of ourselves. Hope that's your idea of a good time." She regretted her words as soon as they came out but stopped herself from flinching.

Coats tossed her an amused smirk, which helped Shepard relax. If she didn't know herself better, she would have described the feelings in her chest as "swooning."

_Pull yourself together_ , she chided. _Commander Shepard does not_ swoon!

"Sounds perfect," Coats said with a low voice as he sat down on the couch. Some unknown power pulled Shepard toward him and before she knew it, she was sitting down next to him. She was grateful for the dim light of the club that hid the heat in her cheeks at the close proximity of the man she had only seen once since waking from her coma, but who she had thought about almost every day. Before the situation could become truly awkward, the rest of her crew - even Jack - decided to leave the dance floor and join the party in their corner booth.

"Coats, glad you could make it!" Ashley said with a smile as she took the seat on Shepard's other side.

"Me, too," he smiled.

"So this is the piece of meat Ashley told me about," Jack said as she plopped down opposite Shepard and Coats's seat. Shepard didn't miss the elbow in Jack's ribs from Tali. "Ouch, what the hell was that for? Shepard hasn't claimed him. I can play, can't I?"

Usually Shepard found Jack's sexual humor entertaining, but this was different. This was _Coats._ This was _her Coats._ Wait...who was she kidding? He belonged to no one - least of all Shepard.

But suddenly, Shepard felt embarrassed at the innuendos of her friend. Taking the conversation in stride, Coats just leaned back in his seat and laughed loudly.

"I haven't been _claimed_ ," he replied as he relaxed his arm on the back of the couch behind Shepard. "But I'm not one to 'play', either. Sorry to let you down, Jack."

"Probably for the best," Jack replied as she poured herself a glass of something strong. "I don't play well with others, generally."

"That's for damn sure," Garrus added with a grin.

"Watch it, turian," Jack quipped, but she was smiling. And with that the group fell back into its usual relaxed banter. The ice was broken and Coats was undergoing induction into the group. Part of Shepard was glad, but the other part...

The other part of her didn't know what to make of this situation. And it was hard to figure it out when Coats' arm was perilously close to dropping off the back of the couch and landing on her shoulders. Even though it didn't happen, Shepard felt as if her back was burning with the heat emanating from his skin behind her. She almost whimpered when he brought it down to reach for a drink and didn't return it to the perch behind her.

She took a moment to look at the Major next to her. He wasn't in uniform - that was a first. Shepard had always seen him in uniform or his running shorts. He had always looked so professional, whether he was on the news or running down the streets of London. If it was possible, Coats looked even more handsome now with his hair slightly ruffled and wearing a casual pair of pants and a simple light blue shirt that matched his eyes partially covered by a dark jacket.

"Shepard! Earth to Shepard!"

She startled at the harsh yell of Jack's voice, bringing her back to attention.

"The pitchers are empty," Jack said as she sat back and crossed her legs and arms in defiance.

" _You_ can get up and get us some more," Shepard said with a smile, but truthfully, she was grateful for an excuse to stand up and take a break from the scene for a bit. Jack must have been able to read her mind because the biotic's face broke into a half-smile.

"Now why would I do that when Commander Shepard gets free drinks at every bar in the galaxy," Jack said.

"Good point," Shepard stood up and started to move for the bar. "Any requests?"

"More ryncol!" Grunt shouted, his speech starting to be slurred.

"Right," Shepard rolled her eyes. "Any others?"

No one else had a specific request, so Shepard stepped away from the booth and made her way through the crowd to the bar. She told the bartender what to add to the tab and turned back to the table, but not before she had the bartender make her favorite mixed drink. With a smile, she weaved between patrons and dancers on her way to her friends.

This was a good night. Everything was...good. That was the only word Shepard could come up with to describe how she felt. She was surrounded by friends, drinks, dancing, and...Coats. She still didn't know what to make of the fact that he was here, but something about it made her feel relaxed. He didn't have to come. After all, he had only seen her once since she'd woken up and that time had been...mostly bent over a desk in his living room. But when he had been invited to go out to celebrate with her friends, he had come. And he had sat by her. He had placed his arm precariously around her on the back of the couch. She knew she was thinking like a high school girl, but she almost dared to hope that they were more than just a fuck in an alleyway or a rendezvous in his flat - that maybe their relationship was something more than sex. Maybe he really -

"Shepard!"

Her happy excitement shattered at the same time her glass hit the floor. She had almost made it back to the booth before she heard the voice. The one voice she didn't want to hear ever again, especially not here. Not now.

The crowd around her stopped briefly to stare at the mess she had made, but as quickly as they looked at her, they looked away and turned back to their own lives. Her crew, however, was frozen and watching her intently.

But they weren't just watching her. They were watching the man who had appeared behind her.

Shepard turned around slowly and saw what she had hoped was her mind playing tricks on her. But it wasn't. He was really there. Jacob Taylor. In the flesh. And flanked on each side by a strong, ex-marine-looking man, each of them, including Jacob, in crisp, black, unmarked uniforms.

"Jacob," she managed to say, extremely conscious of the eyes of her crew - and Coats - on her back, watching as the scene unfolded.

"This is crazy!" Jacob said, taking a step toward her. "I came out to celebrate and look what I find! Shepard and all the old crew. Good to see all of you!" Jacob turned to the crew behind her, but none of them said a word. Most of them probably didn't know about her former tryst with the ex-Cerberus soldier, but what they didn't know before could probably be surmised from the scene before them.

"It's really great to see you, Shepard. While you were in a coma - well, let's just say we were all worried about you."

_I'm sure you fucking were, you bastard._

"Yeah, well, I'm fine." She was trying to control her emotions, but she knew her voice was betraying her. She knew because Jacob's expression acted as a medium for her feelings.

"Shepard, I -" he stopped mid-sentence, his gaze shifting as Shepard felt Ashley appear next to her. She tossed her friend a grateful glance, thankful for the strength that the dark-haired woman's presence gave her.

But Jacob didn't stop there. "Brynn had the baby a few days ago. A girl - named it after my mom. Both Brynn and the baby are fine. The guys and I -" Jacob motioned to "the guys" behind him before continuing, "finally had a chance to get out and celebrate. I'm a father!"

"Congratulations," Shepard said unenthusiastically. _He must have a death wish._

"Look, I know we didn't really end on the best note," he rambled on, "but can't we put all that behind us?"

_No_ , she thought. _No we can't._

But what came out of her mouth was, "Does this look like a bar in fucking Rio to you?"

Jacob looked as if he had been slapped. They stood there staring each other down for several moments before he spoke again.

"I'm not going to apologize, Shepard," he said, his features suddenly morphing into indignation at the hidden insult. "You are who you are, and we all know it."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Shepard asked, her hands clenching into fists.

"It means that you don't let people get close to you," he said. "Not really. I told you before, you have one love - the Normandy. There wasn't room for anyone else in your life. You can't blame me for moving on."

Her heart was racing. Her pulse threatened to break open the skin on her throat. She felt her abdomen muscles tense and it happened before she could stop herself. Her left fist clenched tighter than it ever had before and without giving Jacob time to react, she threw a powerful hook.

The thud of Jacob's body on the floor of Flux was perhaps one of the most satisfying sounds she had ever heard in her life.

"Get out of here, you bastard," she said in a low voice. Jacob's friends helped him to his feet as blood trickled from his nose. Shepard watched as the three men made their way out of the club. Ashley hadn't left her side and Shepard was grateful, but after the doors slid shut, she noticed that the crowd surrounding them was still staring at her.

She rolled her shoulders and turned her back on the club patrons, facing her friends who were still sitting in awkward, supportive silence behind her. Shepard avoided Coats's eyes. She would process the embarrassment of all of this happening in front of him later.

"The tab is open on the bar as long as you want it," she finally said. "But I'm calling it a night."

Shepard spun on her heel. She felt Ashley lightly grip her arm before she started for the door.

"Skipper -"

"Not your fault, Ash," Shepard said as she placed her hand on top of Ashley's and gave her the best version of a reassuring smile she could muster. "I expect those of you assigned to the mission on the Normandy at 0600 two days from now," she called over her shoulder.

She shouldn't have turned to look at her crew. As she turned, she caught Coats's eye. His was the only look she couldn't read, but whatever it was, Shepard wanted to hide from that gaze. She didn't want his pity. She didn't want his anger. She didn't want his sympathy. She didn't want his judgment. She didn't want anything from him or anyone else seated at that booth right then. She just wanted to forget about Jacob Taylor and everything he had put her through - including tonight.

The cab back to her apartment wasn't fast enough. Once she arrived home, she flopped on her bed fully clothed and didn't move until morning. 


	7. Help, I'm Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Help, I'm Alive](http://youtu.be/yVHXq9gmmT4)
> 
> Metric

She knew he was there, but what she didn't know was why her heart was pounding so hard inside her chest when this inevitable moment finally arrived.

"Shepard."

She didn't stand up and turn around. Not quite yet. She wanted to pull herself together a bit more before she faced him. The events from the club two days ago were something she had played over and over in her mind, the Major's unreadable expression mocking her idle thoughts. She continued to fiddle with the armor locker near the med bay, using the time to put on her best CO face. She was just making sure everything was in place before they departed...or at least that's what she told herself. Of course she wasn't making herself scarce in the hopes this moment could be delayed.

Clearly, it could be delayed no longer.

She kicked herself for doing so, but she quickly took stock of her appearance before spinning to see the owner of the voice behind her. Her hair was neatly done today. The "maiden" voyage of the Normandy after the war was news all over the repaired galaxy. She had looked the part for the cameras. She felt no real allegiance to the Alliance anymore - not after everything they had put her through with little to no thanks - so she was simply wearing casual civvies. But everything was tucked and in its proper place. All for the cameras today.

 _Shit, Shep_ , she chided herself, finally standing up with her back still turned to the Major behind her. _When did you become such a girl?_

As soon as she turned around, she had her answer.

 _When you saw those eyes for the first time_.

She refrained from shaking her head with inward shame. What the hell was this? She wasn't in love. Commander Fucking Shepard didn't fall in love with flings who refused to visit her in the hospital.  She had fallen in love once - and that was the stupidest thing she had ever done.

It had made her vulnerable.

She was the goddamn savior of the galaxy. She felt nothing.

"I - I'm glad we finally have this chance to, uh, work together. It's sure a lot different than meeting in a war zone."

The Major's voice sounded surprisingly nervous. _Why the hell is he nervous? I'm the girl who pushed him in a corner and f -_

"Good to have you aboard, Major," she said, reaching for his extended hand and shaking it awkwardly. "Two Spectres on the same ship is a novelty, but as long as you remember who's boss, we'll be alright."

The Major laughed. "Duly noted."

There was something in the way he spoke. Something that reached within her and resonated in a way nothing else did. That voice. Those eyes.

She could finally admit to herself - she found them irresistible.

She had found him irresistible since the first time she met him - hence the dark alley before the race for the beam. She had tried to convince herself that it had all been in the moment - a frantic need to feel _something_ before rushing off to die, but it was clearly more than that. The Major was still irresistible. She felt frozen in place when he looked at her. Her heart fluttered like it never had before - and this time she was sober.

And she hated herself for it.

_You don't fall for a one night - or two night - stand, Shepard. That's high school shit._

"Yes, well," she finally said, coughing to break the silence between them. "We're both damn good soldiers with distinguished service records. And I've caught much of the news coverage of you since I woke up. You do good work; I'm sure we can manage this mission without stepping on each others' toes too much."

Coats' eyebrows flew up. Why had she mentioned the news vids? Was her subconscious trying to sabotage her composure and reputation? Shepard wasn't emotional. Shepard was ruthless. Shepard got results. Shepard didn't give a damn about al-Jilani's crap news stories.

But she had watched every broadcast of Coats.

 _Damn him_ , she thought.

"I mean, you could hardly miss the stories. I guess you haven't had much of a chance to try out our punching strategy. Fucking al-Jilani has made you the Alliance and Council poster boy. Not that they made a bad choice -"

 _Shitfuckpiss. You can't get one sentence out without making a fool of yourself_.

She tried not to flinch as Coats smiled at her warmly.

"I didn't ask for the press," he said, saving her from her own mouth. "I had hoped..." His face changed in that moment, the smile gone, replaced by a look of soft concern. "I had hoped that when you awoke you would find a galaxy repaired, thanks to your efforts."

"Pfft. I may have saved the fucking galaxy, but you're been doing the repairs while I waited for those incompetent doctors to get me back in shape," Shepard waved an arm dismissively at him, hoping to play down the awkwardness of this conversation. "And I was knocked out for six months before that, remember?"

"I remember," Coats replied, his voice suddenly quiet and dark. If Shepard didn't know better, she would say he sounded pained, as if the thought hurt him. But then she scolded herself for imagining such things.

"I also know that we wouldn't have a galaxy to repair if not for you," he added softly.

His eyes were boring into her. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. He held her there with his gaze piercing into her, seeing things about her she had never wanted anyone to see; things she would deny to her dying breath: that beneath her hard, sharp exterior was a woman who longed for connection to anyone - anything - that could make her feel _alive_.

And she remembered that once, this man had made her feel that way - in a moment when she had desperately needed it.

She resisted no longer. Her body crashed against him, her hands pressed into his waist as she pushed him back to the kitchen counter behind him. She felt his hands wrap around her waist as well, pulling her flush against him as their lips found each other. His tongue was hot when it mingled with hers and she couldn't help the moan that escaped her throat as his grip tightened.

"Not here," she whispered, pulling back suddenly.

Luckily, the crew was mostly still in quarters or preparing for the mission. No one was in the mess at that moment to witness the lightning storm between the two Spectres on board.

Grabbing Coats's hand, she pulled him behind her as she headed for the forward batteries, her heart rising in her chest, a warmth pooling in her groin while her breath heaved in her lungs.

And Coats' hand returned her strong grasp with one equally as strong - perhaps stronger.

But when she opened the door to the battery, the sight set her goal back just a bit.

"Shepard," Garrus drawled as he and Ashley separated from what was clearly a private moment. "Didn't expect you to be making rounds so soon."

"You know me," Shepard replied with a smirk. "I have to make sure my crew is in good shape for the mission."

She tried to hold back her laughter as Ashley quickly straightened her Alliance uniform, her cheeks turning a faint shade of crimson. But the color faded from Ashley's face as soon as she took in Shepard and Coats before her. Shepard was painfully aware of her hand still gripping Coats' as Ashley's eyes drifted down to where they were joined. Now it was Ashley who had a smirk on her face and Shepard released Coats' hand as quickly as she had gripped it.

"Well...perhaps it would be best if I checked on the both of you later," she said, trying to hide her emotions and failing.

"Shepard," Ashley said, stepping forward before Shepard could turn around to leave. "I have a request."

Ashley was fumbling with her hands now.

"Spit it out, Williams."

"Permission to accompany you on this mission?"

 _That_ was what was wrong with the picture. Shepard didn't recall Ashley saying she would be on this charade of a mission, but Shepard had asked for the Normandy and with it, most of its former crew. Ashley hadn't been on that list - not because Shepard didn't want her, but because the Alliance had said they needed her. The Alliance knew better than to ask Shepard to do anything more than what she was already doing for them right now, but Ashley - Ashley was always loyal.

But the worst part was that Shepard hadn't thought of that until Ashley said something. She had been too concerned with her own romantic interlude and Ashley's possible discovery of it that she had not even realized that a person not originally on her crew roster was on the ship thirty minutes before departure.

"Of course," Shepard said, trying to cover her lapse. "I just assumed the Alliance assigned you here and didn't tell me. I'm not exactly their favorite person."

"When you asked for Garrus, I knew he would go, C-Sec be damned. And Bailey assured him he could manage while Garrus was gone," Ashley said. Her eyes flicked briefly toward Coats as if she was wondering whether she wanted to divulge anything in front of him. But eventually, she steeled her gaze, looked back at Shepard, and continued, "I don't want to be without him. I had to pull a few strings, but they said my attendance was conditional upon your permission."

"As long as it doesn't interfere with your ability to perform on this mission, both of you," Shepard said, pointing a finger at each in turn. "You both know I don't give a fuck about Alliance rules against fraternization. Hell, I don't give a fuck about Alliance rules in general. Do what you want, just don't screw up the effort."

Ashley looked relieved as she resumed a position next to Garrus in front of the Thanix console. Shepard couldn't help but chuckle at the familiar picture with one addition - Garrus wasn't alone in the main battery anymore.

She shook her head and said, "Three Spectres on board...this should be fun. As long as both of you know who's in charge here."

"How could we forget, Skipper?" Ashley teased as she wrapped an arm around Garrus's waist who flicked his mandibles in a smile. Garrus and Ashley both nodded as Shepard turned to go, Coats in tow. But just before the door slid shut behind them, Shepard turned over her shoulder.

"And Ashley, Garrus?" she said. "Lock the damn door next time."

"Acknowledged, Rear Admiral," Garrus replied with a laugh.

When the door hissed shut behind her, Shepard was left alone in the corridor with Coats, the strange red light dulling the electric blue of his eyes.

"So, um..." Shepard began awkwardly. "I should probably give Joker our coordinates."

"Probably," Coats replied quietly, not moving from her side. Still unsure how to move on from this situation, Shepard shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Coats didn't say anything. He just stood there, watching her intently.

 _He's always so damn intense_ , she thought as she willed herself not to fidget with her fingers. _Shit...I let go of his hand as soon as Ashley saw us. He knows I was embarrassed for her to see us together. And why shouldn't I be? I'm the commanding officer of this ship - fraternization rules be damned, but still...I shouldn't be doing this..._

"I should go."

She took two steps past him before she felt his hand on her wrist. Spinning to look at him, he took a step towards her, close enough that she could feel his warm breath on her face.

"We could continue this...when you're finished with Joker," he whispered.

"Yes," she breathed, quicker than she would have liked, but her clenched muscles released as soon as she said the word.

"I have a few matters to take care of in my quarters," he said, releasing her arm and lowering his gaze so that his eyes were even wider. "Shall I meet you in yours? Say...1900? After dinner?"

"Yes." Again, it was all she could mutter. What was it about this man that made the usually collected, austere Shepard turn into a nervous schoolgirl?

"As you wish, Rear Admiral," Coats said with a smile. And then he brushed past her. She watched as he walked down the corridor, turning right just past the kitchen area into Liara's old quarters - Coats' quarters now.

Her legs felt like jelly, but somehow she willed herself to move.

And 1900 could not come soon enough.


	8. What It Is to Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [What It Is to Burn](http://youtu.be/DLbHfOhJNR4)
> 
> Finch

Her dreams were more peaceful than Shepard could remember.

She also couldn't think of a time in her life that she had better sex.

She didn't want to wake up. The warmth of her bed in the loft on the Normandy. The soft sounds of the fish tank nearby. The dim light from the stars through the skylight above her - a skylight that long ago she had enjoyed as a symbol of how she conquered death.

And her body completely sated with the best sex of her life.

All good reasons to stay in bed and not wake up.

But when she finally allowed her eyes to open and rolled over, she found the space next to her empty.

Coats had left her sometime in the night. He had kissed her and touched her and pleased her in every way possible. She had fallen asleep in his arms. And now he was gone. Gone without a word.

At least the last time he had said goodbye.

Angrily, she threw off the covers and headed for the shower. She was hurt and frustrated, but why? What had she expected? There were no words of commitment. No promises. Nothing except amazing, non-committal sex. She hadn't asked him to stay. She hadn't asked him for anything but a good fuck. So why was she hurt?

She took a frigidly cold shower. Partly as punishment for her indiscretion and partly as a precautionary measure - she needed her wits about her when she saw Coats today. She couldn't just fall for his voice and his eyes and his hands and his...

_Dammit_ , she thought as she shut the water off. _Dammit. Just stop thinking about him. What the hell has gotten into you? You've never been this...upset...about a boy. Man. Shit. Whatever._

But then she remembered that she had. Jacob Taylor. She had even thought she loved him, and look how well that had gone. He abandoned her when he couldn't manage to keep from sticking his dick in a hole at the first opportunity.

Cerberus must have gotten something wrong when they rewired her - Commander Shepard did _not_ fall in love.

"Bastard," she said aloud.

"Are you alright, Commander?" EDI's voice over the speaker. But no...that wasn't EDI's voice. It sounded almost like her, but the part that was distinctly _EDI_ was gone. Gone because of Shepard's choices. No - choice. Singular. She had made one choice, and now EDI was gone.

"Commander?" the voice repeated. It startled Shepard enough to realize the voice was talking to her.

"Perfectly," Shepard replied. "How far are we from Palaven?"

"We should arrive in one hour."

"Inform the team that I expect them suited and ready to go at that time."

"Of course. Anything else, Commander?"

"That's all."

She dressed in silence and quickly reviewed the supplies and organization efforts they were leading today on Palaven. Obviously the Normandy was not a big enough ship to transport the supplies that planets needed after the war, but the Normandy was the flagship that brought with it much larger ships capable of carrying repair crews and food stores to the systems whose relays were in working order.

Shepard's task today - organizing the relief effort on Palaven.

Really, she was going to turn most of that responsibility over to Garrus. He was the one who knew his people and his home best. In actuality, she would be the one assisting _him_ with whatever he needed.

She made her way to the mess and grabbed a ration bar. This mission was not like others she had been on. There were no hostiles to fight. There was no war to win. She was simply leading all her ground crew and even some of those that manned the ship to help organize and distribute the supplies they brought.

Thinking about the task ahead of her helped keep her mind off Coats. She didn't even flinch when she saw him round the corner and they both headed for the elevator together.

_Too busy to worry about him right now._

The entire team met her at the airlock. Garrus, Ashley, Coats, Grunt, and Vega - all of them except Garrus suited up in enviro-suits for the harsh atmosphere of Palaven. Even some of those who were not on the usual ground teams would be assisting with the relief efforts across the galaxy. Traynor, Adams, Gabby, Ken, and Cortez were among that number. Chakwas was along to provide medical assistance and advice and to help divvy up medical supplies. Liara and Javik had stayed behind to tend to Liara's duties as the Shadow Broker. Wrex and Tali had wanted to come, but both of them were needed by their people as soon as the relays to their home planets were open. But the rest of her old team  had joined her and they all had jobs to do today.

When the door hissed open and the team took their first look at Palaven post-war, it was all Shepard could do to hold in the air that threatened to escape her lungs. For Garrus' sake.

But she didn't miss the pained subvocals that even she could hear rumbling from his chest. She saw Ashley reach for Garrus' hand and give it a reassuring squeeze.

"Alright, team," Shepard said as she walked down to the planet's surface. "You know what to do. Garrus, find us the person in charge and -"

"Commander Shepard." Shepard turned to see a turian she knew well walking toward her swiftly through the small crowd that had gathered just beyond the docking platform. She smiled and walked quickly to meet him.

"Primarch Victus," she said. "So glad we found you right off the bat. We have supplies and volunteers to assist you in your efforts. We have also brought many of your stranded refugees from Earth."

"I received the communication that your crew was on its way just a few days ago," Victus said as he shook Shepard's hand. "We are grateful for the Council and the Alliance's help in putting our planet back together."

"Wait until the news crews stop their bleeding heart coverage of the planet before you thank anyone," Shepard said, her smiled widening at Victus' good-natured chuckle.

"May I also say, Commander," Victus said, not releasing her hand and leaning closer to her. "I am personally grateful that they saw fit to send you. There is no one else I trust so much as I trust you."

In truth, Shepard nodded, unsure how to respond, but strangely enough, she found her neck beginning to burn as color slowly rose up the back of it. And even stranger still, she swore Coats coughed and shuffled his feet behind her. She resisted the urge to turn and see his reaction.

"Thank you very much, Primarch," Shepard continued, raising her head and motioning for Garrus as she released the Primarch's hand. "I've brought your Expert Reaper Advisor to coordinate between your government and our efforts to make sure we distribute resources and supplies as efficiently as possible. Hopefully we won't need to intrude on your people any longer than necessary to assist with your repairs."

"Vakarian," the Primarch said as he stepped toward Garrus and grasped the younger soldier by the shoulders. "Welcome home. I returned as soon as the relay was repaired, but I would guess that this is your first time back?"

Garrus pulled his mandibles tight against his face and replied, "Yes. It's...a daunting sight, to say the least."

"Ah, Garrus," Victus said as he slapped Garrus on the back. "It's not quite as bad as you might think. Let me update you on our current status and you can return to Shepard with a report on how to help our people quickly and efficiently."

Shepard didn't miss the elder turian tossing her a wink as the two turian soldiers headed off together toward a waiting skycar.

_Turians wink? Who knew?_

"Hey, Vakarian," Shepard called after Garrus who turned to look at her. "Send me reports and we'll get moving with what you need."

"Actually, Commander," Victus spun around again to face her. "I was hoping you and I could correspond directly. I have missed working with you and it would be...pleasant to be engaged in a mutual enterprise again."

"Your planet, your rules," Shepard nodded with a half-smile.

"Just like old times," Garrus chimed in with a flare of his mandibles.

"Well, minus those big synthetic bug bastards who want to take over the universe," Shepard shrugged.

"You always did have an original way of putting things," the Primarch grinned. "I truly am glad you were the one the Council sent to help us. This is the best news we've had since the Reapers were defeated."

Shepard didn't really know how to respond to that compliment, so she simply nodded again and tried not to blush. She shot Garrus a scathing glance when he chuckled at her reaction, but he didn't give her away. He followed the Primarch as Shepard turned and sighed with feigned annoyance at her turian friend who knew far too much about how to read her.

"While we wait for more specific instructions, we can unload what we know they need right away," Shepard addressed the crew in front of her. "Vega and Williams, instruct the refugee ships to land and send communications to their families of where to pick them up. The rest of you with me - we're unloading food crates."

The day trudged on slowly. Garrus and Victus fed Shepard reports about how to distribute resources and Shepard responded accordingly. They would be here for a several weeks, unloading supplies and administering much needed relief to the refugees of Palaven. Garrus and Shepard would work directly with the turian military to devise a plan for the most efficient distribution and then the Normandy would head back to the Citadel to pick up a batch of supplies for the next planet to repair.

But the day was especially slow because Shepard couldn't avoid Coats in any way. He was everywhere. She knew he was just doing his duty and following orders - he was where she _told_ him to be. She grit her teeth whenever she saw him, averting her eyes each time he came near.

She wanted to talk to him, but that wasn't what she did. She didn't want to admit any sort of emotional weakness. And that was what it was, wasn't it? She was weak if she felt something for the man. He was handsome, definitely handsome. His voice still made her shiver whenever he spoke. And those eyes - she avoided looking at him directly as much as possible. He could captivate her too easily with those eyes.

It was near the end of the day that he caught her. She was alone with one of the last ships to deliver food for the day, directing the machinery operators in the way they should allocate the piles.

"So you know the Primarch well?" he asked as she directed a soldier with a crate of food to take the food out of the cargo hold and place it in the appropriate distribution area.

"I thought you were helping the _Gettysburg_ ," she said, avoiding his question.

"I was. They're finished. I thought I would come help you."

She turned to face him but looked at his lips instead of his eyes, hoping to avoid the latter's freezing effect.

It didn't work. His lips were just as bad, because as soon as she saw them, all she could think about was how warm and wet they felt on her own. On her cheek. On her neck.

"Shepard?"

"Sorry," she shook her head. "What were you saying?"

"Victus," Coats replied, crossing his arms to look at her. "You know him well?"

"You had to have read the reports," she said, mirroring his movement by crossing her own arms. "He was on board the Normandy for a significant amount of time. And he happens to be the boss of one of my best friends." She motioned in the direction Garrus should be - someone near the command tower to the north.

"I just didn't know you were that close, that's all," Coats shrugged and turned to walk away.

"And just what is it to you?" Shepard asked. Her heart was starting to beat faster, and even though she knew there was no logical reason for it, she felt her anger flaring. "Why is it any of your business?"

He turned back to face her, his expression cold and distant.

"I guess it's not," he said.

If she didn't know better, she would say he was acting jealous. His face even looked the part. But a jealous lover would not have left her to wake up alone.

And then she kicked herself for the thought. _A jealous lover? Since when did he become a lover? So we've fucked three times now. Big deal. I've fucked people more times than that and not called them my lover before...What_ is _it about this guy? Why does he get to me?_

"That's right," she said, straining to keep her frustration in check. "It's not."

The daylight was fading on Palaven and similarly, the dayshift of the Normandy was over. Shepard noticed the change as all her crewmembers began to bid farewell to the turians they were assisting and walked back to their respective ships. The turians planetside murmured their thanks and returned to their families as well. The docking platform emptied in a matter of minutes and Shepard didn't even realize the shift was happening until it was almost over, leaving her alone with her fellow Spectre.

"Is there something you want to say to me, Shepard?" Coats asked, taking a step away from her. She could hear the frustration in his voice as he made his way to the button near the cargo hold door, pounding it with his fist and causing the hold door to lift closed behind him, leaving the two of them alone in the cargo hold of the freighter. Shepard wondered, not for the first time that day, what the man's game was.

The truth was, she _did_ want to say something. She wanted to tell him that she was afraid of whatever this was - or was not - between them. She wanted to say that his eyes made her weak in the knees like no man ever had before - not even Jacob. Especially not Jacob. She wanted to ask him why he had left her alone after holding her until she fell asleep.

She wanted to tell him how he made her feel alive whenever he was near.

"I could ask the same of you," she finally replied, feeling her pulse rise as he grew dangerously close to her again.

And just like the three times before, it happened so fast she almost didn't realize it was happening.

She ripped the helmet of her enviro-suit off and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close after he pulled his own helmet away. She stroked the back of his neck and head, feeling him moan against her as his lips found hers. He pushed her up between two piles of crates, pressing his body tight against hers.

She leaned her head back and gazed at the ceiling of the cargo hold above her as his mouth nibbled light kisses down her neck. She kept looking upward as she fumbled with the seals of his enviro-suit, running her fingers over the tight material of his undersuit that hid his tenuous muscles from her. But she could feel them, twisting and straining beneath the material and her fingers as he pressed against her. He did the same and when his fingers first brushed over her hardening nipples beneath her own undersuit, she gasped with pleasure and pulled him closer.

He bent down and bit her nipple lightly through the material of her suit. She groaned and fisted the short hair on his head as he continued to play with her nipple and began to undo the clasps of the remainder of her enviro-suit. She pushed him away and took off her boots, watching as he did the same and grateful that all of her crew were happily oblivious and eating dinner in the mess at this moment.

But the two Spectres couldn't keep their hands off each other for long. Soon, she found herself on the surface of the docking platform, back arched off the ground as Coats carefully unzipped and pulled away the top half of her suit, exposing her small breasts to the air. She watched as he ran his hands along her collarbones slowly, taking his time before his fingers carefully stroked lower and lower until he had gripped both her breasts in hand, massaging and stroking them with just the right amount of firmness. Just enough to make her moan again.

Shepard wasn't about to let him have all the power. Using a slight amount of biotic strength and her own repaired muscles, she flipped them over. The look on Coats's face was priceless as she straddled him, pulling the top of her undersuit down to her waist. He reached up and plucked at her nipples as she undid the top of his suit, exposing his tight muscular chest to her. She let her fingers run over his muscular shoulders and pectorals until they reached his abdomen.

Once there, she undid the rest of his suit and, allowing him to sit up, helped him out of the remainder of it. But she didn't let him stay sitting up for long. Pushing him back down, she straddled him yet again, his erection taut and pressing against the inside of her leg as she kneeled over him. She pushed his hands away, forcing him to simply watch as she removed the rest of her undersuit, exposing her waist, hips, and cunt to his full view.

He tried to reach for her again, straining to place his hand between her legs and stroke her there, but she slapped him away. Growling, he settled for the ability to run his hands up and down her thighs as she raised herself over him. She watched his eyes stare at her with hunger and a groan escaped his mouth when she gripped his cock in her hand, stroking it slowly.

"Shepard..." he cried softly, and watched her with that same intense look as she raised her other hand to pluck at her own nipple. It took all the self-restraint she had to keep them that way for several seconds, denying him what she knew he wanted. Denying what she knew _she_ wanted.

Finally, she let herself descend on him, taking him suddenly and without warning to the hilt.

She smiled as he shouted in surprise and pleasure. She rolled her hips against him and felt his thick cock twitch inside her. She leaned forward and placed both hands on his chest as she moved over him, finally allowing him to release her legs and touch her the way he had desired since the armor had come off. At first, he traced her nipples in slow circles with his fingers. She felt him harden inside her as she shifted her movements and he gripped her breasts tightly in both hands. She hissed in pain at the sudden rough grip - his fingernails slightly digging into her flesh, but she didn't stop him and she didn't stop herself.

And then he let one hand trace lower and lower over her waist. She gulped in anticipation as his hand hovered just above her sex, teasing her and taunting her by playing with the tuft of hair there.

She could take it no longer.

"Touch me, Coats," she whispered. "For fuck's sake, touch me."

And the Major beneath her obeyed, rubbing her clit in slow circles, then alternating with swift flicks and strokes. He reached down further and swirled the iridescent liquid that had pooled between them around her folds, bringing it up to tease her clit again. When the warm wetness came in contact with her bud, she nearly lost it right there, but she didn't let herself go. She wanted to wait for Coats.

She wasn't sure she could take much more, but apparently Coats couldn't either. She loved watching him reach the edge, and his electric blue eyes widening brought her to the edge too. Each of them increasing the pace of their movements as he gripped her hips and lifted his own to drive inside her from below.

But when it was over, it was over.

If all felt too familiar.

Enviro-suits were snapped back in place. Heads were bowed and eye contact was avoided. And the two Spectres opened the cargo door of the random freighter they had christened to head back to the Normandy.

No words. Nothing. And yet again, Shepard kicked herself for allowing this to happen.

They reached the elevator of the Normandy in silence and Shepard waited for Coats to board alone - assuming he was headed for the crew deck and she was going straight for her quarters. But he didn't get in. He just stood there, not even looking at her.

Various crewmembers walked behind them, headed for their own quarters or for the mess, nodding to them politely as they stood before the elevator.

Finally, Shepard spoke.

"If you're not getting in, I will. See you in the morning," she said, stepping into the elevator.

"Commander, I -" Coats reached out a hand and finally looked at her. _Dammit, the eyes again_ , she thought.

"What?" she asked, annoyed while pressing the hold button.

"I...have some more reports I'd like you to review," Coats nodded to another crewmember that walked by, clearly struggling with controlling his voice. "Could I meet with you...say, 1900 or so? In your cabin?"

Part of her wanted to say no. What was this becoming? She knew exactly what Coats was doing. There were no "reports to review" unless her ass was a report.

But she was learning that she couldn't resist him.

This was her weakness. Commander Fucking Shepard, hero of the galaxy, had one weakness.

Pretty eyes, a deep voice, and a tight ass. And perhaps a strong service record, too.

She wanted him. She wanted him so badly that her gut was clenching at the thought of him in her cabin again this evening. She knew he would leave her in the morning. He cared nothing for her other than as a soldier and an amazing fuck. She knew it. She wasn't fooling herself.

So as long as she didn't fool herself, then she couldn't get hurt, right?

"1900."

She shut the elevator door and was grateful that it hissed shut just as the color rose into her face.

And she hated herself for it.


	9. Giving Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Giving Up](http://youtu.be/u0j8M3f23dU)
> 
> Ingrid Michaelson

It was near the end of their stay on Palaven when Shepard realized she could no longer deny that her feelings for Coats were more than what she had been telling herself. And unfortunately, the realization didn't make her feel any better. In fact, it only made her feel worse.

The mission was scheduled for two more days on the turian homeworld and the sun was beating down on the back of Shepard's neck. Inside her enviro-suit, she could feel the droplets of sweat running down her back. After helping unload the contents of a supply crate to a crew that would carry its precious parcels to sick and starving turians in the major cities, she stood to stretch and see what the rest of her crew was up to. This mission was first and foremost a mission of mercy, and Shepard found all of her friends dutifully unloading supplies, directing crates, and mingling with turian soldiers to distribute everything in an orderly manner. When the second fleet of ships with supplies had arrived, their workload had doubled, but they were almost finished on Palaven now.

This would never have been a mission that Shepard would have dreamed she would enjoy, but she found she did find happiness in delivering simple supplies and aid to the needy refugees of the turian people. She was not an emotional or sentimental person, but the looks of gratitude she received from turians, young and old, male and female, when she handed them a simple thing like a clean tunic or pair of boots was something she had never felt before. No one had ever looked at her the way these people did, and Shepard liked it. It sparked a warmness in her that she had rarely, if ever, felt.

Shepard turned and found Vega handling some heavy lifting of food supplies. Chakwas was administering some kind of shot to a line of waiting turians. Gabby and Ken were working with main communication engineers of the turian military to help them get a plan for the most efficient way to restore all their communicative powers. Garrus and Ashley had been inseparable and it seemed that they had found the most pleasure in distributing clothing and other simple amenities to those who needed them. Everyone was hard at work as Shepard stretched and surveyed her crew.

Everyone except one person.

Major Coats was not working. But Shepard smiled when she realized what he _was_ doing. A group of about ten crates had been emptied and piled in such a way near the hold of the Normandy as to resemble a makeshift "fort." Shepard crossed her arms and watched as a small turian boy climbed up on one of the crates that made a wall of the "fort", released a guttural yell, and jumped down the three or four feet to the ground to chase the attacking onslaught of other small turian children. When she counted, she could see about 10 or 12 youngsters, all no higher than Coats' hip, running around, in, and out of the fort, calling after each other and laughing in the hot Palaven sun. Coats himself was standing in front of the fort, pretending to put on a valiant defense as three small turians climbed on him, attempting to get past him and into the fort proper.

Her light chuckle echoed within the confines of her enviro-suit as she watched the spectacle before her. As if he heard her, Coats looked up from the children crawling up his arms and legs and met her eyes from beneath the hood of his own enviro-suit. The warmness she felt earlier as she helped the people of Palaven only deepened when those electric eyes met hers again. But they weren't so electric this time - they were simply filled with laughter and mirth.

And a smile she hoped was just for her.

In that moment, her heart leapt and she knew that Coats was so much more than a friend or comrade. So much more than fuck buddy, and in fact, that term seemed repulsive to her as she smiled back at him.

But what was she to him? That was a question she didn't have time to think about, because it was at that point when their eyes met and Coats wasn't paying attention to the children playing around him, that a particularly brave little turian climbed up to the very top crate of the fort - a crate much higher than those making up the fort's walls. The child's happy little war cry startled Shepard and Coats out of their stares, but it was too late. The turian boy had thought he would climb to the top and jump on top of Coats below, but just as he raised his arms to leap down, he dropped them back down and his face fell with fear.

The crate was falling forward. Right on top of Coats' head.

Shepard ran. It was only a few seconds later that she even realized what she was doing - her  impulse had simply been to get to him as quickly as possible. Although her eyes focused on Coats' frame as it was crushed beneath the crate, she was also relieved to see that the small turian boy had leapt to the side and landed close by on another crate rather than falling down to the ground.

But Coats -

She fell down at his side after pulling the crate off of him. As she threw the crate to the side, she sighed with relief, realizing that he had been smart enough to use empty crates for their game, but she could see that the crate was still heavy enough to have made a deep gash in the Major's head, just above his right ear. She cursed the flimsy material of their cheap enviro-suits as she simultaneously cursed herself for not having any medigel handy. Coats' pulse was fine and his breathing was deep, but the crash had knocked him unconscious. She felt her heart racing with fear even though she knew this was probably only a minor injury - a concussion at most. But she knew that her recent revelation cleared up why she felt the way she did in this moment.

She cared for this man more than she wanted to admit. Seeing him hurt had awoken something within her - something she wanted so desperately not to feel after Jacob Taylor.

Her instinct was to yell at the stupid children for being so careless, but as she knelt down by Coats' side and checked his pulse and breath, she looked up briefly at the concerned faces of a dozen turian children, mandibles all pulled tight against their faces with worry. Remembering the kindness and happiness in the face of her Major just a few moments before with these children, she put aside her natural inclination to yell and simply turned to the tallest of the group.

"See that doctor over there in the line?" she said quickly, her voice shaking as she strained to control her anger. The tall turian boy nodded, mandibles still tense against his jaw. "Go run to her quickly and tell her to bring some medigel over, ok?"

The boy didn't nod; he simply bolted like lightning with several other children in tow. Shepard turned back to Coats and was relieved that his eyes were opening.

"Shepard?" he whispered as he blinked and came to. She smiled and let out a long-held breath.

"Well, if you can turn your head to look at me, then I guess your neck's not broken," she replied.

"No, just knocked me out a bit," he said, trying to sit up, but she pushed him back down.

"Easy there, soldier. That's an order."

He relaxed back on the ground and smiled as he looked up at her. "Really, Commander? I can walk to the medbay for some medigel."

"I'm not so sure about that. Chakwas is on her way. Just...humor me and stay put until she gets here, ok? I'd carry you, but I figured you would just fight me and I'd have to knock you the fuck out myself."

Her smile deepened when Coats laughed at her poor excuse for a joke. But then he raised a hand to the gash above his ear, his laughter stopping.

"Oh, don't make me laugh. That hurts," but he continued to smile at her. A few seconds later, Chakwas arrived with medigel. After a quick application, the doctor dispensed her orders.

"Shouldn't be anything serious, but I’d like to take you to the medbay and run a scan for a concussion before I let you return to work," Chakwas said with a smile.

"Seriously, this is unnecessary," Coats said as Shepard helped him to his feet.

"Seriously, it's not," Shepard replied with a smirk as she looped his arm over her shoulder. Her smirk quickly faded when she felt a tug on the edge of her suit. Looking down, she saw the small turian boy that had jumped from the top crate. His eyes looked sad and worried, but he found the courage to speak to her.

"Is Major Coats going to be ok?" his little voice asked.

"He'll be fine," she said curtly, and turned to see Coats' reaction. He was watching her and she felt her stomach flutter nervously. _Don't be a bitch,_ she scolded herself. Out loud, she simply said, "Why don't you talk to him yourself?"

The little turian boy turned to Coats and said, "I'm sorry, Major. I'm so sorry you got hurt."

"Tallis, don't you worry. It's just a little cut. The doctor here is just going to make sure everything's all patched up and I'll be good as new. We can play again tomorrow, ok?"

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"You're not mad at me?"

"Of course not. It wasn't  your fault. It was an accident, but let's make sure we don't climb on the top crate anymore, ok?"

"Ok."

"Go play. I'll see you tomorrow."

The little boy ran off with his friends but not before tossing a wave to Commander Shepard who managed a weak smile and waved back.

Something was changing within her. The old Shepard - the Shepard-before-the-Crucible - would have screamed at the child. But with Coats...something about the way he acted with the kids made it impossible for her to be angry with them.

"It's really not his fault," Coats said as the two of them marched toward the Normandy.

"I know," she replied, avoiding his gaze.

"Thank you for being kind to him. All these kids have lost so much. I just wanted them to have a little fun."

She didn't know how to respond. Being kind to random strangers was not in her nature, but maybe she could change. Maybe she _was_ changing. And maybe the changes weren't all so bad.

Before she knew it, they had reached the medbay. Chakwas motioned for Coats to move to the bed. He was able to walk just fine and situated himself while Karin retrieved her scanning instrument. Shepard began to strip out of her own enviro-suit, looking to pull up a chair and make herself comfortable while she waited for Chakwas to check out the Major.

"You can't stay in here, Commander," the doctor ordered from her desk.

"Why not?" she asked. "I'm the fucking Commander." She couldn't help but smile when Coats laughed out loud.

"You are the Commander, but _I'm_ the commander of the medbay," Chakwas said with a smile when she turned around, scanning tool in hand. Shepard glared at Coats when he chuckled. "The Major will be fine, and all of this will be faster if you don't interfere. Now go outside and I'll let you back in when I'm done."

"How long is this going to take?" she asked as she turned begrudgingly for the door.

"Fifteen, twenty minutes. I just need to scan for a concussion. It's not a major injury at all."

"Is she always like this when a crewmember gets injured?" Coats teased from the bed.

"Only for the ones she _really_ cares about. You should have seen her when Garrus took a rocket to the face," Karin said. "She was a mess."

"Alright, I get the hint. But if I leave, you have to promise to hold off on the embarrassing stories." Shepard blushed as she left the medbay. As soon as she heard the door shut behind her, she spun around to see the blinds of the windows snap closed as well. Grunting with frustration at being kept in the dark, she headed for the kitchen and grabbed a ration bar - something to keep her occupied while she waited.

She paced up and down the empty mess. Everyone was still at work. In about an hour, everyone would come in for the evening meal and the day's work would be done, but for now, the ship was fairly empty.

And Shepard was alone with her thoughts as they raced through her head, replaying the events and revelations of the day. The warm feeling she had from helping people. The added warmth of watching Coats playing with children in a ravaged refugee camp. The fear when she thought he was  hurt. The relief that flooded through her when he opened his eyes.

Love? No. She wouldn't let it go that far. Love was disastrous and painful and so not worth it. If the disaster that was Jacob Taylor had taught her anything, that was it. But if not love, what was this feeling in her gut?

Luckily, she didn't have to think too much about it, because the doors of the medbay finally swung open. Chakwas walked through quickly with a taunting smile.

"He's fine. Medigel was all he needed. No concussion. But I did give him some mild painkillers because there will be some significant bruising and he will probably have a monstrous headache for a while."

Shepard felt the air leave her lungs with relief. Somehow, even though she knew this wasn't a serious injury, she was still comforted by the doctor's words.

"Well, don't just stand there," Chakwas teased as she brushed past her. "Go see him."

Shepard took two steps before Chakwas grabbed her arm. "And Commander?" She looked into the laughing eyes of her friend and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't tire him...too much."

The doctor chuckled as she let go of Shepard's arm. Shepard didn't respond. She simply rolled her shoulders back and attempted to calm the color that had risen to her cheeks.

When the doors of the medbay swung open, she saw the Major leaning forward over the side of the bed as if he were about to get up.

"So everything's fine," she said as the doors closed behind her.

"Yep," he looked up at her with a smile. "Just a minor gash. I've had much worse, believe me."

"Yeah, me too," Shepard said as she walked toward him. "Believe me."

"I remember," Coats replied softly as she reached a place right in front of him, stopping just short of touching him. Something had passed over his eyes - the same flash that she saw each time either of them referenced her injuries at the end of the war.

 

_"I heard that he came to see you every time he was in London while you were in a coma."_

 

She shook her head, remembering her conversation with Ashley. The last few weeks she had spent on this mission with Coats were enough to make her forget her confusion about why Coats hadn't come to visit her once she woke up in the hospital. They had spent almost every night together in her cabin. He never stayed until morning, but he was never unkind to her either. She chose not to wonder about his previous absence and simply enjoy the time she had with him - whatever it meant.

"Don't do that again," she finally said.

The mirth in those light blue eyes shone back at her. "Do what? Play with a bunch of kids who are starved for attention and fun after a war?"

"You know what I mean."

"And what if I don't?" his eyes matched his teasing tone. "Maybe you should just tell me what you mean."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"I would."

"What if I just show you instead?" His smile faded at her last sentence, changing dramatically to a look of calm surprise and confusion as she raised one arm and ran it through the hair on the uninjured side of his head. His gaze didn't falter as she gently stroked the side of his head and brought her face forward to meet his. She kissed him, slowly and passionately. She didn't know what this whole day had meant. She couldn't put all the pieces of the puzzle together yet, not in her mind or her heart, but she knew that when she was with this man, his lightning eyes, and teasing smile, she felt _alive_.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him, his tongue pressing past her lips and mingling warmly with hers. Desire filled her chest and she found herself pushing him back onto the bed, crawling over him as he leaned back against the pillow.

"Won't the doctor come back eventually?" Coats asked between kisses. Shepard just smiled and sat up briefly. Flicking her omni-tool to life, she programmed the lock on the medbay door.

"I'm still the fucking Commander of this ship," she said as she bent down to kiss him again.

"Well, _Commander_ , I thought I heard the doctor tell me I should take it easy for a bit."

"Don't worry, _Major_. I plan on doing all the work."

"Aye, aye, ma'am," Coats replied with a smile as she pulled her undersuit down to her waist. She loved the look he gave her each time they did this. It had been weeks now, but she always felt as if she were revealing herself to him for the first time when her clothes came off. His eyes drank her in hungrily, always giving the appearance that it was new and wonderful to explore each other no matter how many times he had seen her without her clothes. She only hoped that what he saw in her face showed him that the feeling was mutual - she couldn't get enough of him.

She dropped back down and pressed against his chest as she kissed him, the feeling of his warm, bare chest pressed against hers and his strong arms wrapped around her causing the whole world to disappear. The medbay was gone and all that mattered were the feelings that coursed through her, both physical and emotional, as their hands and bodies sought fulfillment in each other.

And for the first time since their tryst began, there were no averted eyes when it was over. She let her body relax against his beneath her as they both regained their breath. His pulse raced in her ear as she leaned against his chest. One of his hands gently stroked her hair as the other traced slow circles in her naked back.

Soon, she could hear the first steps of the crew returning to the mess through the doors of the medbay.

 _Damn them_ , she thought, curling up tighter in Coats' arms, and she was pleasantly surprised to find him pulling her closer as well. _Just a few more minutes_.

But a few more minutes passed and she knew they couldn't stay like this forever.

"I guess we better go back," she said, sitting up and reaching for the clothes strewn all over the hospital bed.

"As you wish," Coats said reluctantly, or at least she thought it sounded reluctant. They dressed quickly and tried to straighten up the hospital bed, as if that would hide their secret from the doctor who commanded the medbay.

But before the doors of the medbay swung open before them, Coats grabbed her hand, stopping her just before they returned to the world.

"Tonight?" was all he asked in a hushed voice.

She knew she was giving in to her weakness, but part of her no longer wanted to resist. She was disgusted with herself for it but relieved at the same time - at least she would no longer be fighting herself. She might not like what she was doing, but the simple act of surrender quieted her inner conflict momentarily.

It was all so confusing, but she couldn't dwell on those thoughts for now. The Major was looking to her with his eager blue eyes, waiting for an answer. All Shepard could do was smile and nod back at him.

"Tonight."


	10. Bad News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Portions for Foxes](http://youtu.be/qtNV3pOqcjI) is the real name of the song. But it was not the best name for this chapter's title.
> 
> Song credits: Rilo Kiley

Shame wasn't the right word for what she felt. Disgust. Embarrassment. Those were more appropriate feelings each morning she woke to find herself alone - each morning that she realized she was falling harder and faster for the dark haired man with the electric eyes who left her before her alarm sounded.

They had distributed all they could to Palaven. Garrus had bid a warm farewell to Victus and they had returned to the Citadel. After a few brief days of leave, the crew were on Thessia helping the asari repair. Liara had joined them this time - willing to put aside her duties as the Shadow Broker to assist with the repairs of her home planet. Javik and Feron were quite capable of managing in her brief absence.

But what no one knew, and what Shepard took great pains to make sure no one knew, was that the third human Spectre found his way to her quarters every night. And what made her feel disgusted with herself was that he never stayed until morning. But yet, she continued to invite him back. Yes, he was kind to her. Yes, he was always respectful, but with each passing day, she was coming to the realization that she wanted something more. And that realization disgusted her. She didn't want to feel, but she knew that each night she spent with Coats pushed her further and further towards that ultimate feeling that she wanted so badly to avoid.

Commander Shepard didn't have _feelings_. She was ruthless. She was calculating. She did what had to be done and nothing more - even if that meant feeding her sexual appetites by using the handsome major to keep her warm at night.

But the mornings were always cold.

"You look lost, Shepard," Liara said as she tipped her glass of wine toward her. "Come back to us?"

"I'm sorry," Shepard smiled, sipping from her own glass as she leaned back against the couch in her cabin. She had invited some of the girls to spend the evening with her. She had spent enough time with men lately. Jacob still permeated her thoughts at the most inopportune moments. Coats was in her mind constantly. And despite this being the 22nd Century, the vast majority of the crew was still male. She thought inviting her girl friends up for dinner and drinks would be relaxing, but she had found it was quite the opposite. The one topic she had hoped to avoid was slowly becoming the main discussion as the group of women consumed more alcohol.

"I was a little distracted," she concluded.

"It couldn't be because of Coats, could it?" Ashley teased, but Shepard could see her friend quickly regretted the statement. The angry feelings rising in Shepard's chest must have been clear from where her friend was sitting.

"And just why would you say that?" Shepard asked with gritted teeth, now regretting inviting anyone up to her cabin at all.

"Oh, it's the scuttlebutt of the ship," Traynor piped up, oblivious to the underlying tension. "Everyone thinks the Major has a huge crush on our Commander." Traynor burst into slightly inebriated giggles, but she quickly silenced them when she noticed no one else was laughing.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Shepard laughed to ease the mood, "What is this? Fucking junior high? Where we sit around and braid each other's hair while we talk about boys? Fuck. Sounds like I have some rumors to quell and some crew to throw out the airlock."

Traynor nervously laughed again and took a drink from her glass. Liara stepped in to save the conversation.

"Now you're starting to sound like Javik, Shepard."

Shepard pretended to ignore Liara, staring down at her glass with intensity. The last thing she wanted to think about was that she and Coats were part of the ship's gossip.

"Well, even though there is _nothing_ to the rumors," Ashley added, not as afraid of Shepard as Traynor was. "I still think he would be a good match for you."

"And just why do I need a match at all?" Shepard huffed.

"You don't. I'm not saying you do. But I _can_ say that having a partner to go through life with..." Ashley trailed off, clearly thinking of her own partner while Liara's eyes became slightly wistful at the same time, small smiles playing on the lips of both of them. "It helps."

"Jesus, you're all a bunch of saps," Shepard said through gritted teeth. "I thought I _had_ a fucking partner. Look how well that turned out. I'm not really the 'partnering' type. Men don't tend to stick around for me, so you all can mind your own goddamn business!"

Her friends stared awkwardly at her after that outburst. They didn't even know how true that statement really was. It wasn't just Jacob she was thinking about. It was Coats as well - the man who never stayed the whole night. The man who fucked her and then left her alone to wake up cold.

The man she knew she should let go, but something in her just wouldn't. He reminded her she was weak. He reminded her she had pressure points. And those were things that Commander Shepard was not supposed to have - weaknesses and pressure points. And feelings.

"Taylor was an ass," Ashley said and Traynor bobbed her head in agreement. "But that doesn't mean all men are. I still think Coats worships the ground you walk on."

Shepard had to stop herself from laughing outright. _For a man who worships the ground I walk on, he sure has a funny way of showing it. Didn't come visit me once I woke up and now just visits me in secret at night..._

_But is it worse that_ he _does what he does... or that_ I let _him?_ _That I_ invite _him..._

Shepard downed the rest of her drink quickly and stood up. Girls' night had been a horrible idea. "I think that's the end of this conversation for the evening," she said. "We all have work to do in the morning and I would appreciate if you would stifle this supposed 'scuttlebutt' you might hear at any opportunity."

Her friends turned to leave. Ashley lingered behind for a moment, waiting until Traynor and Liara were out of earshot.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Shep," she whispered. "It's just... out of all of us, _you_ are the one who deserves happiness the most. And we - _I_ \- would like to see you have it. No, you don't need a man to make you happy. Not at all. But I really do think Coats cares about you."

"And why the fuck would you think something like that?" Shepard snapped, sounding harsher than she meant.

"You don't see how he looks at you when you're not looking," Ashley said with a smile. "Or the comments he makes when you're not around. He has nothing but praise for you. He thinks you are the utmost when it comes to all things dealing with work, but he even defends your more...austere nature as well. Chalking up your harshness to the stress and strain of being the one having to lead. It's lonely and he reminds everyone about all that you have done for us."

Shepard was actually surprised. The person she figured knew the least about her mental workings perhaps knew her the best, if what Ashley said was true. It was not far from the truth to say that Shepard distanced herself from those she worked with. It was lonely at the top. She compensated for that by keeping herself busy and pushing personal contacts away. Not as hard to get hurt when you keep everyone at arm's length. The crew of the Normandy were the closest thing she had ever had to family and friends.

But Coats was the one defending her to the crew. Coats was the one telling people to brush off her harsh nature and accept her for who she was.

But Coats was also the one who refused to let her be soft for a few more hours each morning. And she was still so confused as to why. Hadn't she been clear? Didn't he understand how she felt?

"Good night, Ash," Shepard finally said, disguising her true emotion as her friend turned and left.

She spent a few more moments alone, trying to get ready for bed, but unable to take her thoughts away from the conversation she had with Ashley.

 

_"You don't see how he looks at you when you're not looking. Or the comments he makes when you're not around."_

 

She _wanted_ to see. She wanted to see something other than the man who could be so thoughtful and pleasing in her bed and when no one was watching but would have nothing more to do with her.

She turned off the lights in the cabin and tried desperately to fall asleep, but her mind wouldn't stop racing. She checked the time on her omni-tool as she tossed for the fiftieth time. 0102. The alarm would go off at 0700 and it would be back to the repair effort on Thessia, but one person was still on her mind and she decided to do something about it. She quickly threw on a pair of shorts and headed for the elevator.

The crew should all be asleep. Any night shift members were on the CIC level, not the crew deck. Shepard was grateful for that fact as she passed the mess and made her way to what was still Coats' quarters even though Liara was aboard. Graciously, the asari had let Coats stay where he was while she used Javik's old haunt as her own perch for this one mission.

As she stood in front of the door, she pondered what she was doing here. She had told Coats about "girls' night" and that he shouldn't come up this evening. He was probably asleep like the rest of the crew. If she asked for entrance, she would just be waking him up. And even if he was awake, he would think she was crazy for coming down to see him in the middle of the night wearing only shorts and a tank top.

But she had to see him. The alcohol she had consumed combined with the feelings in her chest were making her bolder than before. And in a way, the feelings were starting to make sense. Or maybe that was just the alcohol talking...

She didn't have to ask for entrance. Just as she raised her omni-tool to ping Coats, the door slid open in front of her and the Major almost ran her over on his way out.

"Oh, I -"

"Oh, excuse -"

They both spoke at the same time, Coats's face mirroring Shepard's own surprise. Shepard found she couldn't speak. Coats sensed her discomfort and finally broke the silence between them.

"Do you want to come in, Commander?" He stepped aside and Shepard nodded at him as she walked into his room.

She hadn't been in Coats's quarters since they had begun this mission almost two months ago.  He had kept the place looking rather spartan - bare of many personal effects at all. It was then that Shepard noticed what Coats was wearing. She had rarely seen him out of uniform - well, out of uniform and still clothed, that is. He was wearing black pants and a thin, white, T-shirt. Also very spartan to match the surroundings.

He walked ahead of her and pulled out the chairs near his desk, motioning for her to sit. She obliged, still not sure what she was going to say, what excuse she could make up for being outside his door at one o'clock in the morning in her pajamas.

"I thought I'd grab a midnight - or slightly after midnight - snack. I didn't expect anyone else to be awake. Is everything alright?" he asked, more gently than she would have expected from someone at this odd hour. He sat down facing her, but Shepard still didn't have words. She simply continued to take in the surroundings, finally focusing on a picture of a young woman on his desk. This unfamiliar female face was absolutely lovely - laughing and smiling on a sunny day somewhere very green. Her hair was dark, jet black - unlike Shepard's red. And her eyes were light and happy - unlike Shepard's angry green. Her skin was clear and perfect - unlike Shepard's face that was riddled with freckles. Jacob had said he liked her freckles, but then he -

"Shepard..." Coats said, placing a hand on her knee and motioning to the picture on the desk. "I see you found my sister."

_Of course_ , she thought. She could see it now - the jet black hair, the light blue eyes, the perfect, ivory skin. _Of course she's his sister._

She cringed after she let out an audible sigh of relief, embarrassed at how quickly she had jumped to conclusions.

"I didn't know you had a sister," Shepard tried to recover. She quickly realized that statement just made things worse. She cared for this man, yet she had not truly taken the time to get to know him. She wasn't even sure how to even _begin_ to rectify that problem.

"Her name was Margaret," he smiled fondly at the picture. "She died in the Reaper attack on Earth, but I keep her picture close to remember her and to remember what we're doing out here. Repairing people's lives, that's almost more important to me than fighting the Reapers was. Giving people something that Maggie will never have..."

She wanted to comfort him, but it was not in her nature. Shepard was not a nurturing person. She didn't have the right words to say or the right looks to give. So she just sat in silence.

"But enough about that," Coats said, sitting up straight and forcing a smile on his face. "You must have come down here for something."

For the first time, she didn't catch an innuendo woven into his phrase. If she didn't know that he was the type to just pick up and leave in the middle of the night, she might actually believe that he was concerned for her.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you," she said as she stood to go. She wasn't sure why she had come here in the first place. "I just couldn't sleep, that's all."

She didn't get far. He grabbed her hand as she took a step, forcing her to look at him again.

"I couldn't sleep, either," he said in a soft voice as he stood to face her. He raised a hand and gently stroked her cheek. She couldn't suppress the shudder that coursed through her at his touch, but she did stop herself from closing her eyes and leaning into his hand. That would have been too much. Commander Shepard didn't feel. Commander Shepard _shouldn't_ feel.

"Why don't you stay?" he whispered, pulling her close to him. She wasn't sure exactly what she had expected when she made her way down to the Major's quarters. She hadn't really thought about it - all she had known was that she wanted to see him. She _needed_ to see him. She hadn't expected him to invite her to stay.

She cringed inwardly at the hope she dared to let herself feel for just a few moments - that hope that had continued to persist at the back of her mind since her revelation on Palaven. Hope that perhaps this was something more for _him_ , too.

So she stayed.

The sex was softer and quieter that night. He was never overly rough with her, but Shepard couldn't recall a time that he had been this gentle, kissing her often and running his hands all over her skin whenever he could. And of course, it was the first time he had invited her to his cabin instead of joining her in the loft.

But when it was over, she waited for his breathing to slow. He had made no outward indication that his invitation was for the whole night. She would not be the one to initiate that change in their relationship. And why should she? She had already showed him multiple times and in multiple ways that she wanted this to be something more, hadn't she?

This time, it was Shepard who slipped out before the morning shift took over.


	11. Some Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Some Nights](http://youtu.be/qQkBeOisNM0)
> 
> Fun.

With Thessia repaired, the crew was given some much deserved leave, and Shepard found herself more tired than she expected. These missions were nothing like tracking Saren, chasing Collectors, or fighting Reapers, but, somehow, she was exhausted.

When she mentioned how she was feeling to Grunt, his reply had been, "Going soft, Shepard. You're getting all these good feelings from helping people. Don't give in."

She had laughed and let it roll off her shoulders, but part of what he said rang true. Something about her was changing. She could feel it. She wasn't sure what or why or how it had happened, but this sort of "good will" mission was doing something to her. Never before had she met with citizens all over the galaxy who knew her name and praised her like some sort of god. She had saved them. And they were grateful.

And yet somehow she felt a warmness that she had never felt before.

But that warmness disappeared as soon as she received the next assignment from the Council. Sitting alone in Anderson's Citadel apartment, Shepard had decided to indulge in a few glasses of wine before settling in for the night. Just as she was about to turn in, she had received an urgent message.

 

_Mission Directive - Harsa System_

_The batarians are threatening war if we do not assist with the repair efforts for their homeworld Khar'shan. Specifically, the batarians are targeting human colonies and raiding them for supplies - colonies that are just beginning to crawl out from the destruction of the Reapers. While the Council does not condone negotiating with terrorists, a war at this early stage of galactic recovery could be disastrous. To assuage the Hegemony's demands, we are sending you and your team with supplies to assist the batarian race with their repairs._

_We need not remind you that this is a mission of galactic security. The Batarian Hegemony is now the greatest threat to galactic peace. We realize that your presence may anger some batarians, but we think that it may also be a showing of good faith that you will assist in this effort and that many batarians will see it as a peace offering for the unfortunate events in the Bahak System._

_Do all within your power to assuage the batarians. You leave in one week._

_Signed,_

_Councilors Wallace, Irissa, Esheel, and Quentius_

 

There was only one way to handle this kind of news.

Without hesitation, Shepard broke open the liquor cabinet to drown whatever she was feeling in the closest bottle of something strong.

Before she let herself get too far gone, she sent a message to Ashley and Coats.

 

_1937 SS: We all get a week's leave. Then we're shipping off to the Harsa System. Khar'shan to be specific._

_1939 AW: Fuck. Are you serious?_

_1940 SS: This is not something I would joke about._

_1945 AW: Right. Sorry, Skipper. Get some rest, ok?_

 

Leaning back against the couch, Shepard sighed and raised her glass to her lips, downing the liquor in one gulp. She poured herself another glass and another. It wasn't long before she realized that this method of coping wasn't working. Sighing, she closed her eyes and listened to the faint noises from the Strip below. She had hoped to forget about the Bahak System, the 300,000 batarians, and Amanda Kenson. She had hoped that was all part of the past, and although she was not usually one to feel as if she needed forgiveness from anyone for the things she had done, that was one act she still regretted. That was one mission she wished could have been different.

She nearly dropped her glass on the floor when the door pinged. Startled, she placed her drink on the coffee table and went to see who it was. When the door slid open, she had to control her breath from betraying her surprise, but she didn't stop the smile that found its way across her lips at the sight of Major Coats with a bottle of wine in hand.

"I got your message," he said warmly. "Thought you might want some company this evening."

She didn't say a word, simply motioning for him to come in. He followed her to the kitchen where she dug in a drawer for a corkscrew.

"I'm guessing I was right?" Coats asked as she turned to him after finding what she was looking for.

"Damn right," she said quietly and popped open the bottle. Grabbing two glasses, she led Coats to the couch while she tucked one leg underneath her and sipped from her freshly poured glass of wine.

"I see you started without me," the Major teased, motioning to her glass and the bottle of bourbon on the table.

"If I'd known you were coming over, I would have waited," Shepard replied, looking at Coats over the top of her glass.

"I apologize," he said. "It was...a spur of the moment decision."

The room was heavily silent for several moments. Coats drank sparingly, but Shepard refilled her glass twice before they spoke again.

"I'm glad you came," she finally said. Coats didn't reply. He just smiled at her warmly from his spot on the couch.

 _God, he's so handsome_ , she thought as she played with the rim of her wine glass. She knew she was staring, but this man always seemed to have this effect on her. His eyes were like lightning and she couldn't help but gaze at them, waiting for the flashes that she craved as he stared back. He was in casual civvies again - dark pants, light shirt, dark unzipped jacket. He was absolutely gorgeous.

And for all her staring at him, he didn't look away. He simply watched her with that smirk on his face. She still wasn’t sure what it meant, but once she realized he was looking at her as intently as she was looking at him, she coughed and blushed, looking back down at her glass in hand.

"So bourbon, hmm?" he finally said, reaching for the bottle still on the coffee table and turning it over in his hand before replacing it. "Your drink of choice?"

"Usually," she answered with a smile. "You like it?"

Coats made a face and shook his head. "Hate the stuff. To each her own."

"Too bad, I was hoping we might have something in common."

It came out before she could stop herself, but Coats didn't laugh at her or look angry. He didn't look at her at all, actually. He just smiled that quiet smile and stared down at his drink.

_Fuck, I can't read him._

Silence descended on them again. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the awkwardness of Coats inviting himself over to her apartment. Maybe it was the strange feeling that somehow he understood her better than her friends, because _he_ was the one who had offered her company when, even though she would never admit it to anyone else, she desperately wanted some tonight.

And if she was completely honest with herself, she wanted _his_ company. And not just for sex.

It was in that moment that she realized it was really over. She was more than falling - she had completely _fallen_. The revelation hit her like a ton of bricks.

She was in love with Major Coats. And she couldn't take the silence.

"I killed them, you know," she blurted, pouring herself another glass of wine and drinking deeply. "I killed all of them. It was my fault."

He didn't reply, but he did look up at her. It was a look she was starting to recognize - the look that she was starting to read as....empathy.

But how could he empathize with her? He hadn't been through what she had been through. He didn't know what she had done. He would never truly understand. No one would. They saw her as a heartless weapon and in a lot of ways she was. But even Commander Shepard had a soul.

She wanted - no, she _needed_ \- to tell him.

"The batarians weren't lying," she continued, taking a deep breath, her head starting to spin from the large amount of alcohol she had already consumed and the nervousness in her stomach. "When they came back and said that I destroyed their relay. They were right. I did. The Reapers massacred their people, but they did so because I allowed it to happen."

"Shepard, you don't have to -"

"Yes, Coats, I do," she interrupted him before he could stop her. "I do need to tell you. I can't ask you and Ashley to follow me on this mission without telling you the truth."

He didn't stop her this time and she couldn't stop the words from flowing. There were no tears. There were no words of remorse. She simply told him about the entire mission - Hackett's message, Kenson's indoctrination and betrayal, the warning she tried to send and failed, her escape and the blinding light in her mind that signaled the destruction of 300,000 batarians.

"You deserve to know...before we have to face those people," she concluded, placing her drink on the table and looking down at her hands. Even though the quiet in the room was heavy, part of her felt a little better. She hadn't unloaded that story in full to anyone. She had sent mission reports. She had been made to account for her deeds to the Alliance. But no one had sat and listened as she told the story fully from her own point of view while not worrying about protecting Hackett or any Alliance personnel.

She told it the way it was. And when she finally had the courage to look up into those electric blue eyes, she didn't see judgment or scorn. She didn't see pity or anger. She saw sadness. She saw pain, but not the kind she had expected. It was a look that under different circumstances, she would have said was a look she would see in the face of someone who truly cared for her and longed to take her hurt away.

But she knew that was unrealistic. There was nothing in this relationship that spoke of anything but sex. She was fooling herself if she thought otherwise.

"I'm sorry," she finally said. "It's not something I usually would say, but I think I may have had a bit too much to drink to have this conversation."

"Shepard," Coats said softly and she looked back up at him intently. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. And for what it's worth, it wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was. I - "

"Listen to me," he stopped her and leaned forward, putting his own glass on the table in front of him. He was only an arm's length away as he stared into her eyes, that same look never leaving his face. "You were put in an impossible situation. Anyone would have done the same thing. _I_ would have done the same thing."

She couldn't tear her gaze away from his face. She had never expected someone to say those things to her. She would never have expected those words to fall from the lips of someone she loved - of _this_ man.

“You were right about one thing. We will have to face them, but you won’t face them alone.” He stopped to reach out with his hand and gently cup her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb while still looking at her in a way that no one ever had before. Not Jacob. Not Kaidan. Not anyone. His voice was barely above a whisper when he said, “We will face them _together_.”

She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes. She knew she was slightly drunk and that these feelings were in part due to that fact, but in that moment, she didn't care. She felt warm. She felt happy. She felt safe. She felt alive.

She _felt_.

When she opened her eyes to look at him again, she raised her hand and held the one against her face in place. Slowly, she pulled herself from her seat and stood before Coats, his hand dropping to her hip as she looked down at him. Without a word, she knelt on the couch cushion, straddling his lap and placing her hands around his neck. He smiled up at her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close as she leaned down to kiss him, long and deep.

She absolutely loved kissing Coats. This evening was a night of revelations. This stranger who had come into her life on the eve of what she thought was the end had become someone she was slowly learning to depend on. She knew he would leave her before the morning light, but she was beginning not to care. She would do whatever she could to have him in her arms for now, feel his lips on her own, his hands holding her in place, keeping her from falling to pieces.

"Shepard," he whispered. "We both had a lot to drink tonight. Maybe we shouldn't..."

"Shouldn't what?" she asked as she placed soft kisses down the Major's neck. She smiled at the low moan that came from his throat before he replied. Apparently, she had won this argument before it even started, as Coats raised his strong hands and cupped both sides of her face, pulling her down to him and kissing her in that way that was distinctly _him_. It was a strong kiss, but it was also tender - something that left her aching for more kisses like that. Kisses that she would long for forever.

"Phillip," he said, pulling her face away from him as she helped him remove his jacket and throw it over the back of the couch.

"What?" she asked, brow furrowed.

"When we're here," he continued, placing his hands against her cheeks again and stroking them gently with his fingers. "Like this...call me Phillip."

"Phillip," she whispered, running her fingers through his hair, just above his ears, as he closed his eyes at her touch.

"Yes," he whispered breathily, dropping his hands back to her waist and pulling her down to meet his lips again. There was a hunger in his kiss this time. His tongue eagerly sought for hers, invading her mouth with a longing ferocity that made Shepard press herself against him, trying to get closer to him. She felt as if she could kiss him forever.

When his hands moved lower and cupped her ass, she pushed down against him and gasped with desire. She dropped her own hands and trailed them over the taut muscles beneath his shirt as he gripped her tighter and tighter. Shepard bunched the hem of his shirt and cried out at the separation between their mouths when she pulled the cloth over his head.

She collided with his mouth again, longing for his lips to always be touching hers and it wasn't long before she felt his strong, rough fingers on the bare skin of her waist. She had to pull away when his fingers fumbled with the clasp of her bra behind her back and only a second later gripped her breasts beneath the cloth of shirt and bra. She rocked against him as he teased and pinched her nipples while alternating his strokes with firm, massaging circles using his palms. She wiggled out of her shirt, exposing her bare chest, which earned a groan from the man beneath her.

Coats pulled her to him, placing his face between her breasts and kissing her as he continued to touch and tease her. Slowly, he placed light kisses as he moved to the right, swirling his tongue in slow circles around her nipple before engulfing the light pink flesh with his lips and sucking lightly. Shepard cried out the first time he did it, but urged him on, rocking steadily against his hips as he moved from one breast to the other.

While giving attention to her left breast, he dropped his hand and fumbled with the clasp of her pants. She almost didn't realize what he was doing at first, his deft movements with tongue and teeth on the sensitive skin around her nipple completely wiping her mind of any coherent thought, but eventually she helped him. She smirked when he made a protesting noise as she stood to shimmy out of her pants and undergarments, standing completely naked before the man with the lightning eyes.

"You are so beautiful, Shepard," he whispered in awe as she moved the coffee table from behind her, giving her room to kneel on the floor and rub her hands up and down Coats's thighs as he stared at her. The Major's eyes widened as he realized what she was doing.

"Shepard, you don't have to -"

"I want to."

She sat up high on her knees and placed light kisses on the soldier's tight abdomen muscles, which seemed to tighten even more when her lips touched them. She watched with a grin as Coats threw his head back against the couch when she rubbed her hand along the bulge of his pants just below where she was placing kisses. She unzipped his trousers and let his erection spring free. She worked his pants off his hips and down to the floor, pulling his feet out of them before returning her attention to the task at hand. Knowing how it had affected him before, she used her last gasp of free air before letting her mouth descend on him to say his name.

"Phillip..."

"Oh, God, Shepard...yes..." he replied and looked back at her as she sucked on him lightly, raising herself up and down over his cock. She let her tongue trace odd patterns while she lifted and lowered her mouth on him, relishing the needy groans it elicited.

But eventually, she heard him speak again.

"Shepard..."

He didn't have to say more. His need for her was clear from the tone of his voice. She stood up slowly and straddled him again, but he didn't let her go slowly after that. He forced her down on top of him and she gasped as he entered her. Apparently, she had underestimated how much her mouth had teased him and he pushed up into her with a frenzied pace, but she wanted him just as much. Bracing herself against his shoulders, she captured his mouth with her own, tasting his warm tongue before they came together.

She collapsed against his chest when they were finished and Coats traced slow circles in the soft skin of her back. The lights of the Citadel shone red through her window and Shepard sighed as she slowed her breathing, not wanting this moment to end. Coats' head was resting against her own as she pulled herself tightly against him, not letting go of his strong shoulders with her fingers.

She longed to tell him how she felt, but what would she say?

_"Oh, hey, Coats - I know we're fellow soldiers and have been serving together and fucking for a while, but just thought you should know...I've completely fallen in love with you."_

Yeah, that would go well. The hardened Commander. The woman who didn't feel.

He would just laugh at her.

_"Sorry, Commander - I thought we were just having a good time. Didn't know you were one of those weak women who fall for the first guy who is remotely kind to them."_

"Shepard?"

Coats's real voice made her sit up in surprise.

"Hmm?" she said.

"You have a bedroom in this place? Or are we staying on the couch tonight?"

 _Staying?_ She tried to hide her inward hope.

Out loud, she simply said, "Upstairs."

She led him up to the bedroom, trying not to read too much into the fact that he held her hand all the way and left his clothes downstairs on the floor. She tried not to imagine what it would be like to wake up with him in the morning. She tried not to fool herself into dreaming about how it would feel to arise slowly with his arms around her - this man she had just discovered she loved. As she usually did whenever Coats came for a night interlude, she fell asleep peacefully in his arms - quickly and quietly entering into a dreamless, calm sleep.

But when the simulated sunrise of the Citadel broke through the large windows of her apartment and her internal military clock forced her awake, she realized that it was just a dream. She was still alone and still a fool to hope for something different. The sex was wonderful, but it was just sex, and Shepard tried to resign herself to the fact that she would never know what it was to wake up next to someone she loved - and someone who loved her back.

 


	12. Cry for You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Cry for You](http://youtu.be/pxu6iQ28arw)
> 
> September

There was one person on her crew that Shepard had avoided as much as possible.

She wasn't the kind of person who shied away from conflict. In fact, she normally tackled problems head-on. Anyone who looked at her service record would know that before they met her. The entire galaxy now knew how she managed her command.

But for all of that outward control and calm demeanor, her personal life was a mess. One relationship in particular was perhaps rockier and more complicated than any other, even more tenuous than whatever she had going on with Phillip Coats.

And that was her friendship with Joker.

Their week of leave almost over, Shepard had asked her pilot to meet her, hoping to smooth over something that had been eating away at her since she woke up. Surprisingly, the week had been rather pleasant. She had been dreading it as soon as she received the mission assignment. And although preparing to meet with the Batarian Hegemony was still not something Shepard was looking forward to, she had spent a large amount of time with Coats and it had been.... _fun._

They worked together during the day, preparing carefully for their trip to Khar’shan, and spent every evening in each other's arms. She was starting to become accustomed to his constant presence. Shepard still wished he would stay with her until morning, but she tried to convince herself that his unwavering place at her side the rest of the time was what really mattered. Maybe she was reading too much into it. Maybe staying the night wasn't a big deal. She pushed aside her hurt when he was still gone by the time Shepard woke up in the morning, because she _liked_ having him around all the time, and she was almost feeling -

_No,_ she thought. _Don't go there. You're just a fuck buddy and a fun friend. A lot of fucking "F" words. Fuck._

Her fingers tapped on the table as she shifted her eyes, trying to spot her pilot anywhere nearby. He was late and Shepard was nervous that he wouldn't show at all. While she wasn't sure exactly how this evening would go, she hadn't expected him to stand her up.

But part of her wouldn't blame Joker if he did. After all, she had killed the woman he loved. Killed her heartlessly and without shame.

Shepard had replayed those horrible minutes before she fired the Crucible over and over in her head. She was a logical, calculating person. She knew she had made the right decision. And for all the news commentators and naysayers who criticized her for what she had done, she knew that the majority of the galaxy was grateful that she had destroyed the red tube. In the end, it was the only real option available. Either kill all synthetics or take the free will of half of galactic civilization away - synthesis would mock the agency of organics and control would mock the sentience of synthetics, if the Reapers would even truly allow the latter option.

No, the only choice was to destroy the Reapers and hope that civilization learned from its mistakes as they rebuilt the galaxy. Even if there had been another way out, even if one of the other choices truly would have generated a better outcome, the action was in the past now. There was no point in agonizing over it.

But she _did_ agonize over Joker. And EDI. And the loss that all of them felt without their former AI friend's voice over the Normandy's speakers.

"You could have ordered for me."

Shepard nearly jumped out of her seat. Joker had crept up behind her while she was lost in thought. Reflexively, she stood to greet him, but he waved a hand at her and smiled.

"You know what I want," Joker said as he sat down opposite her. "It's not the first time we've ordered sushi here. But hopefully it will be the first time we actually manage to eat it before you destroy the fish tank and piss off all the well-to-dos."

Shepard actually laughed at Joker's sideways smile. She should be the one making him laugh, but as usual, her pilot was the one reassuring her. Taking care of her. Making sure she was alright.

"Yeah, well," she said, picking up the menu and hiding her own grin. "You were taking long enough, didn't want to waste money on a no-show."

"I'm hurt, Shepard," Joker quipped. "I'd be a fool to miss out on an invitation to my favorite sushi bar with the second hottest female in the galaxy, y’know, 'cause the first is -"

He stopped suddenly as he realized what he was saying and gulped. Shepard looked down at the menu and choked back the pain in her throat. She couldn't blame him. She often found herself calling EDI's name on the Normandy, expecting to hear her voice over the speakers to see what she needed. Probably all of the crew did the same thing to some extent.

"Commander Shepard." A waiter saved her as he approached with a smile. "What an honor to have you in our restaurant tonight. What can I get you?"

"I'll have the kenji roll," she replied with a soft sigh of relief.

"And to drink?"

"Sake, of course."

"And for you, sir?" The waiter turned to Joker.

"California roll," Joker answered quickly.

"And what to drink?"

"A beer. None of this sake shit."

Shepard chuckled under her breath as the waiter left with an appalled look on his face. Even with the awkwardness of the moment before, Joker always had a talent for moving on from the tension. He earned his nickname ten times over every day.

But there was one conversation she would not let him move on from tonight, no matter how much he tried to joke it away.

They didn't say much as they waited. Joker made the occasional comment about the patrons of the sushi restaurant and Shepard laughed, joining in when she could find something remotely funny or entertaining to say. What they _didn't_ talk about was the Normandy, or the mission, or -

"Here you are, sir. Your California roll," the waiter interrupted as he arrived with their food. "And the kenji roll for you, Commander. Is there anything else you need?"

"More beer?" Joker raised an eyebrow. The waiter didn't even try to hide the roll of his eyes.

"Of course. I will be back shortly."

Shepard picked up her chopsticks with a smile and began to mix her wasabi and soy sauce, keeping her eyes on the plate before her as much as possible. She wasn't sure she would have the nerve to say what she had brought Joker here to say. How was that possible? Commander Shepard didn't fear death - why did she fear Jeff “Joker” Moreau?

Because he had been her friend. She had so few of them in life and she had let this one down. She'd done more than let him down. She'd taken away something - _someone_ \- he truly loved.

She put her chopsticks down before she took a bite. She had to get this off her chest now.

"I asked you here for a reason, Joker," she said quickly.

Joker looked up at her, sushi halfway to his mouth, forehead crinkled in surprise.

"Of course you did," he said, putting the sushi in his mouth and chewing slowly. He didn't speak as he ate, but finally, he swallowed and smiled at her. "Who could resist these good looks? I always knew you had a thing for me, Shepard. Glad to see you can finally admit it. Just let me eat first and we can leave to let you have your way with me afterwards."

When she didn't reply, Joker's smile faded.

"Shepard...if you want to talk about what I think you want to talk about, you can forget -"

"I'm sorry," Shepard blurted before Joker could finish. He stopped, mouth open, and looked at her with an indescribable expression. She wasn't sure why this was so hard. She had killed Reapers on foot. Why did she have more butterflies in her stomach now than she did when staring a synthetic monster in the face?

"I'm sorry for the choice I made," she continued, willing herself to get this over with. "I'm not sorry about it to anyone but you. You stood to lose the most and I made the decision anyway. You lost everything because of me and I can never give her back to you. And I'm sorry."

Silence.

Joker hadn't moved. He was still just looking at her with that strange expression, jaw hanging down.

_This is not the time to look away_ , she told herself. _You can't avoid him now. He deserves this from you. You owe him._

Finally, he moved, putting his chopsticks on the table and smoothing the napkin in his lap as he looked down. He didn't look up at her when he spoke.

"It's what she would have wanted," he said softly. Joker continued to look down at his lap, still smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles in his napkin. "You don't need to feel bad about it, Commander. She - EDI..."

The way he said her name made Shepard cringe. It was still so reverent and soft. Shepard had managed to save the galaxy, but at what cost?

The cost of something truly beautiful between her pilot - her _friend_ \- and the AI he loved. The AI that loved him back. Something Shepard could only hope to understand as she struggled with her feelings for Phillip Coats.

"EDI would have calculated the numbers long before you made a decision," Joker looked up at her again. His eyes were moist, but no tears fell. "She had learned to care...to _love_. She wouldn't have wanted you to sacrifice everyone else's free will just so she could...survive. Of all people, she understood the importance of being your own person - of learning to be...human. It was the right decision, Shep. Don't regret it on my account - or hers. She wouldn’t want that. And neither do I."

In all her life, Shepard had never felt what she felt in that moment. A great weight was lifted off her chest as she realized that perhaps Joker was so much more than what everyone gave him credit for. He was funny and he deflected attention, but in that moment, Shepard realized that he was perhaps the kindest, gentlest soul she had ever known.

He was able to forgive the unforgivable.

"I'm assuming that means I'm not getting any after dinner, so can I at least eat my fucking sushi in peace?" The impish grin had returned as Shepard laughed swatted at his head with her chopsticks, missing just barely as he ducked away from her. The relief she felt at her friend's forgiveness was even greater than the dread she had felt prior to his arrival. She couldn't help herself. Nearby restaurant patrons turned to glare at her as she laughed and laughed and laughed. Joker looked at her like she was crazy and shook his head, turning back to his sushi. But Shepard noticed he was smiling too.

Eventually, the laughter subsided and Shepard picked up her chopsticks in one hand, but with the other, she reached for Joker's hand across the table and gripped it tightly.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

He just nodded in reply and both of them returned to their food. They sat for a long time even after the food was gone, reminiscing and talking and joking about all the times they had shared and Shepard truly felt relaxed. She liked this feeling. She could get used to this feeling. It was good to have _friends_. Real, true, honest-to-goodness friends, or in this case, _a_ friend.

"Well, look who's here," Joker grinned as he looked over her shoulder just as Shepard was trying to make the decision about whether they should leave or not.

"Who?" she asked.

"See for yourself. And he's got a fox for a date."

Shepard spun around with a chuckle, eager to see who it was that Joker was staring at. But as soon as she saw, her heart sank into her stomach, threatening to bottom out and force her to the floor in a puddle.

_No_ , she thought. _You knew better, Shep. You knew better than to trust. You knew better than to get attached._

"It's about time the Major got some action," Joker said, oblivious to her reaction with the back of her head turned to him. "Everyone thought he was so hung up on you, but I knew all that was just for the press. I always figured he preferred blondes anyway."

Shepard watched in horror as Major Coats - _her_ Phillip - pulled a chair out for a tall, blonde, voluptuous woman in a tight, low-cut red dress. Her hair was set in rippled waves around her face and she smiled up at him with perfect ruby lips as he tucked the chair under the table and assumed his own seat across from her.

And damn did he look good. His hair was styled in that slightly messy look he used when he didn't have to be in uniform, and instead of his usual dark slacks, T-Shirt, and jacket, he was wearing a pair of dress slacks and a tunic. Shepard wasn't sure she had ever seen him look so handsome.

Shepard's heart was racing so fast in her chest, but she couldn't stop staring. They hadn't noticed her or Joker, but she had a perfect view of the two of them from the side. The woman was perhaps one of the most beautiful women Shepard had ever seen in her life. She couldn’t help but feel self-conscious as she watched the graceful movements in the woman's hands as she raised a glass to her lips, the nails perfectly styled at the end of long, gentle fingers that had never worked or raised a weapon in her life.

Wringing her own hands, Shepard finally looked down at them hooked over the edge of the chair. Her nails were either bitten off or chipped, all of them different lengths. The pads of her fingers were rough and calloused. Her breasts were small and would never fill out a dress like the red number the blonde was wearing.

She spun back around, ignoring the startled look Joker was giving her.

"Close the tab whenever you want," Shepard said. "It's already taken care of."

"Hold up, Shepard. What the hell is -" Joker began.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Just wait a fucking second!" Joker almost shouted. He reached for her arm as Shepard hastily rose from her seat. Not wanting to draw attention from Coats' table in the corner, she stopped, looking down at her friend while trying to hide her inner turmoil.

"You and he..." Joker motioned with his free hand to the corner table.

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

Joker looked as if he wanted to say more, but apparently he could tell this was no laughing matter. After a few more awful seconds, he finally released her.

"All right," he relinquished as she turned to leave.

But not before she saw out of the corner of her eye that Joker had made a scene for just a second too long. Phillip - no, _Coats_... _Major_ Coats... _Spectre_ Coats - she had to think of him that way now. His electric blue eyes met her gaze just before she ducked out of the restaurant. The moment was brief, and Shepard didn't want to think about it too much, but she could have sworn that he stood to come after her as she blinked tears away.

At least he had the good sense not to come to her apartment that night. But part of Shepard wished that he had. Part of her wished he had run after her, rushing to explain that what she had seen wasn't what she thought. That he cared for her. That he... _loved_ her. Like she loved him.

But he didn't come while the lonely sounds of the Citadel's traffic haunted her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me, faithful readers. Things may get a little...ugly...for a while, but those of you who have read my other stories know that I promise happy fluff cake and rainbow sprinkles at the end. 
> 
> Also notice that part 1 is chapter capped, so I also promise that it won't take me forever to get around to the resolution. Part 2 is in the works....
> 
> But what is a story without conflict? ;)


	13. Giving up on Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Giving up on Love](http://youtu.be/DQcLKEBMJMA)
> 
> The Ataris
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter is not the resolution you may be hoping for, but there's character development as well as a bit of plot. :)
> 
> Happy Holidays to all and a special thanks to all my wonderful readers! Your comments, kudos, and faith in my writing keep me going.

"What supplies do we have for the fucking batarians?"

She knew her voice sounded surprisingly hostile, but Shepard had no desire to sugarcoat this briefing. Her crew didn't even flinch. She wanted to get in, get out, and be done with this mission. She wanted to forget all about the last few months of her life.

Chakwas spoke up first.

"We have several ships stocked with medical supplies," the doctor began. "We don't know what shape the batarians are in physically. We have brought them very large quantities of supplies and teams of doctors to help treat any still suffering from starvation or malnourishment in isolation."

"What else?" Shepard said, staring down at her chipped fingernails splayed against the wood of the briefing room table. As she looked at her own rough fingers, she couldn't help but remember the softness of the blonde woman's hands at the sushi restaurant. Shepard used her hands as a focal point. She didn't want to look up at her crew. She knew they were all there. She had seen them come in and she could feel Coats’ distinctive presence on her left and Ashley on her right. She didn't need to look at them to dole out assignments and she wanted this meeting to be over as quickly as possible.

"Technical and engineering support will be deployed by the ships accompanying us from the quarian fleet," Tali said. "My people have sent many of their spare parts to assist."

"And?"

"Food and clothing are in heavy supply," Ashley said. "We have ships from the turian, asari, and human governments carrying supplies and soldiers to help distribute them."

"Excellent," Shepard said with a hint of sarcasm. She still refused to look to her left as she scanned the faces of her crew for the first time since calling this meeting. "We arrive at Khar'shan in the morning. You all know the drill by now. I will be coordinating with Balak to receive our assignments. There's just one rule when we land."

No one spoke. She knew she was being especially short and curt, the bite to her tone plainly evident, but she didn't care. There were too many things going on in her life to worry about babying adults into doing their jobs. Besides, she had total faith in her team - they would all do what they were supposed to do and do it well, with or without detailed instructions from her.

She took a deep breath.

"No one lets a goddamn batarian touch a fucking weapon of any kind. Is that clear?"

Shepard hoped that rule was obvious, but it didn't hurt to say it. They were traveling to the batarian homeworld on a mission of mercy - or a mission of blackmail and terrorism, depending on whose perspective was being used. Although they had provided defensive weapon support to Council races, there was no directive to hand over weapons or military supplies to the batarians, and Shepard wanted to make sure that her crew understood the gravity of their situation. The batarians were different from the other races they had helped, and if they wanted to restock on weapons, that was their own problem. The Council would not help them.

Shepard would not help them beyond what she was authorized to do. And she would not allow her crew to unwittingly do what they were forbidden from doing. With other planets, the exchange of weapons and ammunition had been done freely between governments, but the batarians were a different story. The Council would be foolish if it granted the trade of weapons with a race that threatened war on a galaxy still on the mend.

When she was satisfied with the silent response from her crew, Shepard said, "Dismissed," and the crew filed out. Shepard followed close behind them and headed straight for the elevator, planning on spending the night alone in her quarters with a bottle of bourbon.

"Skipper?" came a quiet voice behind her as she waited for the elevator door to slide open. Shepard turned to find Ashley beside her. "Could we talk for a minute?"

Shepard's first inclination was to say no. She was almost looking forward to a night alone with her bourbon, but something in Ashley's face and tone made her nod and motion for Ashley to get in the elevator with her.

They rode to the loft in silence. When the doors slid open, Shepard was surprised to see they weren't alone. Someone had beaten them up in the elevator and there he was - Major Coats - standing outside her doorway, waiting for her. She tried to hide her surprise, but that was an impossible feat.

"Commander," he said in a slightly unsure tone. His eyes flashed with something that looked like hope.He coughed nervously. "I...was wondering if you might have a few minutes.”

"I don’t, _Spectre_ Coats," she replied forcefully, jerking her head toward Ashley. "Williams has a few things to discuss with me. I'll see you on the ground in the morning."

The lightning eyes frowned and the Major looked as if he wanted to say more, but after several awkward moments, he nodded and retreated to the elevator. Shepard led Ashley into her cabin, turning her back on Coats as quickly as possible, but she didn't try to hide the sigh of relief when she heard both doors slide shut. Without looking at her friend, she headed straight for the drawer in the desk near her bed where the bourbon was waiting, and without asking, she poured both of them a drink. Ashley downed hers in a single gulp, following Shepard’s example. When Ashley still didn't speak, Shepard slammed her glass on the coffee table and plopped on the couch, propping her feet up on the edge of the table.

"Since you're not saying anything about the strange encounter we just had outside my cabin, I'll go ahead and say it," Shepard tried to sound nonchalant, but she knew she was failing. Ashley didn't move, still holding her glass and looking at her friend with a concerned expression. "Coats and I were fucking. It's over now."

Somehow, getting it out in the air between them lifted a weight off Shepard's shoulders - a weight she didn't even know she was carrying. Shepard felt her fingers twitch when Ashley continued to stare at her in silence for several moments. But eventually, the dark-haired woman gently placed her glass on the coffee table and sat in the chair opposite Shepard.

"Just fucking?" was all she said. Williams' face didn't change - no smile, no laugh, not even a frown. She was simply studying Shepard and that made her feel more uncomfortable than if Ashley had given her some kind of reaction.

"Just fucking,” Shepard replied.

"How long?"

"Since before the Crucible."

"What?!"

Shepard sat up a little straighter at Ashley's surprise.

"I'm sorry," Ashley recovered, shaking her head and looking down at her hands briefly before meeting Shepard's gaze again. "I didn't think you knew him before -"

"And just how long did you think it had been, Williams?"

"Let's just say the two of you were not as discreet as you thought you were," Ashley's face broke into a half-smile, but at the first sign of Shepard's discomfort, she quickly added, "Not that anyone on the regular crew really took notice other than idle gossip - just your friends, Shep. You're not as much of a closed book when it comes to us, though you like to think you are. I had an idea for a while, I just didn't realize the two of you had known each other that long."

"Yeah, well," Shepard sat back again, placing her hands behind her head and trying to look relaxed while her insides boiled. "I don't really care what you guys think."

"No one is judging you," Ashley shook her head. "If you remember, it was me that thought the two of you would make a good couple."

"I remember."

"So what went wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"I noticed a long time ago that there was chemistry there. Obviously I was right - at least a little bit. You said it's over now. Why is that?"

Shepard wasn't usually so open with anyone - not even her friends. But something about this whole situation had jostled her usual resolve. She found that she _wanted_ to confide in someone, and who better than Ashley?

"We never had anything, Ash," Shepard said, her voice a little softer than before. "Well, we had some great sex...a _lot_ of great sex. But that was it. He never said he cared for me besides that."

"Did you ever ask him?"

"Ask him what?"

"If he cared for you."

"Hell no! Besides, who said I fucking care about him?"

When Ashley didn't respond, Shepard sat up again and leaned forward to pour herself another glass. Ashley was still staring at her as she downed it in a single gulp.

"Why the hell did you come up here, Ash?"

"Because it doesn't have to be said."

"What doesn't?"

"That you _care_ for him. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that you love him."

"What the fuck gave you that idea?"

She was angry now. What did Ashley think she knew? So her crew knew her well enough to notice that Coats was sneaking up into her cabin most nights. So what? That didn't mean she was in _love_.

But she was. She was so in love. And her heart ached more than she could describe when she saw Phillip with the blonde-haired woman. Just thinking about it made her stomach clinch and she had to swallow to stop the bile from rising into her throat.

"I could say I know you, but that's not the only reason. I _do_ know you, and I _did_ have an inkling that something was going on, but I had no idea how far it had gone," Ashley paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "Until I talked to Joker."

"God _fucking_ dammit," Shepard muttered under her breath. "I'll have to take care of him later. I didn't ask for any of you to meddle with my life. And just what did Joker tell you?"

"You know what he told me. Don't be mad at him. We all care about you, Shepard, and we've all noticed something was off since we returned from leave. But all he did was confirm for me what I already knew about the two of you - I just didn't expect Coats to hurt you. That was a big surprise for me. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. You've always been there for me and that's what friends do. It's my turn to return the favor."

Dozens of smart ass replies raced through Shepard's head.

_Deflect. Make a joke. Laugh it off. Do anything but admit that you have feelings. Anything but admit that you are weak._

But she couldn't do it. The ache in her chest was too painful, too heavy. She found herself speaking before she could take it back.

"It hurts so much, Ash," she whispered, her head drooping as she leaned forward on her knees. And with that one simple phrase, everything came pouring out. "I've fallen so hard. I don't know what to do. I want to just...turn it off, like a spigot. These...damn _feelings..._ I don't know what to do with them. I just want to make it stop. I had just begun to think that maybe it was something more - so much more - not just sex."

Ashley stood up from her perch on the chair and sat next to Shepard rubbing her back as she disgorged all she had kept bottled up for months.

"So much more than Jacob - that bastard. So much more than Kaidan." She sat up straight as she realized something she had never thought before, but at the mention of Kaidan, a million emotions flooded back to her from the last time she had heard Kaidan's voice.

"Ash...If it had been Coats instead of Kaidan on Virmire, I never could have done what needed to be done that day. I couldn't let something happen to Phil-” Shepard gulped, stopping herself before saying his full first name. “Coats. I would give my life for his, Ash. He's a damn liability to me, to us, to the mission. What the fuck has happened to me?"

She didn't sob. She didn't cry. Shepard held her head in her hands while Ash rubbed the space between her shoulders.

"Why does he have to be so fucking perfect?" She finally whispered the thought that had plagued her for months. The perfect eyes, voice, hair, body. And that smile. Even though she felt as if she were dying inside, she couldn't help but smile when she pictured it.

She would never be the same.

"Well, obviously he's not perfect if he's hurt you," Ashley said quietly.

"You wouldn't blame him for hurting me if you saw the woman he was with. So what does that make me? Is that the type of woman I am, Ash?" she looked up at her friend. "Am I the type that men never actually fall for? They just fuck me and leave me? Is that my fate? I’m too hard, too coarse, too ruthless to have a real relationship with a living, breathing, _warm_ human being?"

"No, Shepard," Ashley said. "I don't think it is. And actually, even though this hurts right now, I'm proud of you. I know you well enough to know that it's hard for you to think about feeling, let alone talk about it. Coats may have hurt you, but I am grateful that you are willing to talk to me about it."

"I wish I'd never met him," Shepard said, barely above a whisper.

"You don't really mean that."

"Yes, I do." She sat up straight then and rolled her shoulders back as she poured herself another drink. "I don't like this new version of me. She's too soft. Too vulnerable. She let's a pretty face and a tight ass distract her from what's really important."

"And what is that?"

"The mission. The galaxy. Saving lives."

"But what about _your_ life, Shep?"

That got Shepard's attention. "Who are you? The dalai fucking lama? Where's my hard-nosed friend who doesn't take shit from anyone? What happened to her?"

"She fell in love, I guess," Ashley said with a smile and a shrug. "Love does that - it changes you. I think it changes you for the better."

"Huh. Maybe if the person you love loves you back. I've never known what that's like."

"You know for a fact that Coats doesn't care for you?"

"I know for a fact."

"How do you know?"

"I fucking saw him with another woman, Ashley!" Shepard stood up in frustration and walked to the fish tank. She sighed and leaned against it with one arm, watching quietly as the oblivious fish swam past her. Ashley said nothing. Shepard could see her in the reflection of the glass, patiently looking on, waiting for Shepard to say something more.

"How many times do I have to say it? She was absolutely gorgeous," Shepard continued quietly. "I may be the goddamn savior of the galaxy, but as a woman...I can never compare to that. Young. Gorgeous. Tits like a fucking goddess. Full of life - her eyes weren't dead like I feel most of the time. She hasn't seen the things I've seen or done the things I've done and her face shows it. Phil- Coats - always kept me a secret, but he dressed in his finest to take the blonde bombshell out on the town. And I don't blame him."

She watched in the glass as Ashley stood up behind her and approached the fish tank, crossing her arms and leaning against it with her shoulder. Shepard didn't look up from her stance, continuing to stare at the fish swimming past her arm.

"To be fair, Shep, maybe he felt like you were trying to keep him a secret, too. Could there be another explanation for the woman at the restaurant? Any other reason why he might have been there with -"

"Jesus, Williams." Now Shepard pushed off the tank and walked away, heading for the table to fill her glass again. "Whose side are you on anyway? It feels like all you've done is told me it's good to fall in love with him and that I'm a better person because of it, yadda yadda yadda. Now you're _defending_ him?" She quickly downed the next glass she poured. She’d lost count of what number it was. "No, Ash. I can't see another explanation. He never wanted anything more than sex and now I can move on. Be the soldier I was meant to be. Not this mushy ball of _feelings_ I've become."

Ashley was already walking toward her and gripped her by both shoulders.

"Skipper, I'm always on your side. I didn't mean to -" she stopped and shook her head before continuing. "It doesn't matter what I did or didn't mean to do. What matters is that I _am_ here. For _you._ I'm sorry if it seemed otherwise."

Shepard gripped her friends arm with her free hand and gave her a reassuring smile with pursed lips.

"It's not your fault. It's mine," she said as Ashley released her to sit again. "I should have known better than to fall in love. I was a fucking idiot."

"You weren't," Ashley replied solemnly, resuming her seat next to Shepard on the couch. "But I do wish your relationships didn't always end in heartache. You deserve so much better. I'll do whatever you need me to do. I'll even throw him out the airlock in honor of Javik if you order me to."

"That would be a horrible thing for me to ask you," Shepard chuckled. "I would say yes, but we both know that you take my jokes too literally. Take kissing turians for example."

Ashley laughed, but Shepard resumed her serious posture.

"But really, Ash, just let it go. I'm a big girl," Shepard sighed and sat back again. "I've been through worse. I can handle this. It's not the worst thing to happen to me, it's just...different each time."

A ping on Ashley's omni-tool startled both of them. Shepard nodded for Ashley to check it while she poured another glass of bourbon.

"Let me guess," she smiled. "Garrus?"

"Am I that transparent?" Ashley asked.

"Well, your face generally turns a little pink when it involves him."

"It does not."

"Does too."

"I'm not going to argue about this with you, Shep."

"That's ok, because I win. You should go to him. I'll be fine. Does he know why you're up here?"

"I don't keep secrets from him."

"Shit," Shepard put her head in her hands and shook it. "How many people know?"

"Just a few of us who had observed the same things. Like I said, you're not as secretive when it comes to your friends as you think you are. I did, however, threaten Joker's life if he told anyone else what he saw. I don't think you'll have to worry about it though. He came to me in confidence because he was worried about you. He's not going to tell anyone else."

"Great," Shepard replied sarcastically. There was silence again as Shepard contemplated how long her crew had known that she was fucking the Major with the lightning blue eyes when she thought she was so secretive.

"I don't have to go," Ashley said, turning off her omni-tool and facing Shepard full on. Shepard could read the sincerity in her friend's face. "I can stay as long as you need me."

"I've had enough bourbon that I highly doubt I'll be awake much longer," Shepard smiled, trying to reassure her friend that she really would be ok. "Besides, at least one of us should get laid tonight."

Shepard had meant that remark to garnish a laugh from her friend, but all she got was a concerned frown.

"Go on," Shepard said, making shooing motions with her hands. "Be happy. Enjoy your turian. I may be miserable, but I won't drag you down with me."

Ashley stood up slowly. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No," Shepard shook her head and followed Ashley up the stairs, heading for the bathroom to take a quick shower before dropping onto her bed for the night. "Really, Ash. I appreciate your concern, but like I said, I'm a grown up. I can handle a broken heart. I've done it before."

Williams didn't say another word, simply headed for the door with a nod. Just before the door opened, Shepard had a thought.

"Wait, Ash?" she said quickly. "There is one thing."

"Name it, Skipper."

"Keep Coats away from me for the rest of this mission."

"I think I can handle that," her friend said with a nod. Then Ashley was gone, and the hot water of the shower did nothing to wash away the ache in Shepard's chest.


	14. Sooner or Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sooner or Later](http://youtu.be/RpdFoizbnTg)
> 
> Breaking Benjamin
> 
>  
> 
> And here we have a climactic turning point in Shepard's metamorphosis...and quite a bit of plot. Thank you for reading! Enjoy! And a safe and happy new year to all!
> 
> -KabiViolet

"What is the fucking problem?"

Shepard didn't even try to hide her annoyance. She had been summoned prematurely to the CIC, a nervous Traynor telling her they had "a bit of a hiccup." But this was much more than a hiccup.

The batarians were refusing the Normandy permission to land on Khar'shan.

"They are making demands, Commander," Sam explained quietly as Shepard stepped up to map.

"What kind of fucking demands could they make? They have nothing left!"

"They are threatening to fire on us unless you speak with them directly." Sam's voice got smaller and smaller with each word. But Shepard had no patience for anyone's weaknesses at the moment, not even her well-meaning Comm Specialist.

"Williams!"

"Right here, Skipper."

Shepard spun around to find both Ashley and Coats behind her. Her eyelids fluttered in surprise at Coats' presence and she struggled to stop her stomach from performing acrobatics. She had told Ashley to keep Coats away from her, but of course he would be on the main bridge when there was a crisis like this. He was a Spectre after all. This was his mission, too.

But this was definitely not the time for her body to give in to her own emotional weaknesses - weaknesses she was striving to rid herself of. This particular weakness with the light-blue eyes would take time to ignore, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t handle it. This moment was a good time to practice her discipline - a skill she had mastered as a soldier many years before. There was no reason she couldn't handle this now.

She took a deep breath and focused her gaze on Ashley's face. Her friend seemed to sense Shepard's inner turmoil, speaking up again before Shepard had a chance to respond.

"Sam gave us a heads up," Ashley nodded toward the Specialist. "We both came as fast as we could."

"I'm going to open a comm channel with Balak," Shepard said, spitting out the name of the Hegemony's leader with disgust. "Cut the comm if it sounds like I'm going to say something stupid to jeopardize the mission. I make no promises that I can keep myself in check on this one, but a galactic war would be...less than desirable."

Ashley nodded. Shepard couldn't help but notice Coats had a slight smirk on his face, but she flipped her head back around and rolled her neck from one side to the other before making eye contact with Sam.

"Do it, Traynor," she muttered. There was a brief moment of silence and then she heard that voice on the line.

" _Commander Shepard_ ," Balak said. " _Or should I call you Rear Admiral now?_ "

"Commander is fine," Shepard responded, gripping the metal bar in front of her with white knuckles. "And Balak, let's dispense with the formalities. I don't have the time to worry about that bullshit. Just tell me what you want - what's the hold up? We're here to render assistance that _you_ asked for. So why are we still in orbit?"

" _Always quick to dismiss the concerns of others_ ," Balak replied with an audible hiss. " _Perhaps if you were not so...harsh, we might not be in this odd game of posturing._ "

"This isn't a game for me," Shepard said. "Just spit out what you want. If your people have changed their mind about wanting aid from the Council, just tell me and we'll stop wasting our time over your god-forsaken planet."

She heard Coats shuffle his feet behind her, but she ignored her urge to turn around. She didn’t need to look at him to know she was toeing perilously close to the line. She probably knew it better than anyone else in the CIC, but she didn’t care.

_"Oh, we have not been forsaken_ ," Balak chuckled. " _But we will not be pushed around so easily either. I will...how is it that you humans say it? Oh yes, 'cut to the chase.' I rather like that phrase. We want weapons and ammunition. Without them, there is no guarantee of peace between our people. We are unable to suitably defend our colonies and people from pirates and others who attempt to take advantage of our weakened state._ "

Shepard laughed out loud at Balak's demand. What did he think? That she was an idiot? The _batarians_ were the ones raiding colonies for supplies, not the other way around.

"You are shitting me, Balak," she finally replied. "You think weapons will guarantee peace? Are you insane? You seriously think that we are going to help arm your people? After you brought us here on a threat? After you have attacked Council colonies, raiding them for supplies? You have just made your threats unbelievable - you can't start a galactic war if you claim you can't even protect your own people. We shouldn't even be here in the first place! You have no power to hurt us! I should -"

It was at that moment that Shepard realized that she was talking to dead air.

"Williams?" she turned around quickly. "What the hell?"

Ashley was not smiling when Shepard caught her eye.

"We should talk about this, Shepard," she said. "Before we say something we regret."

Shepard's first inclination was to lash out, but she _had_ given Ashley the power to cut the line.

"What do you propose?" she asked, finally releasing her iron grip on the railing nearby.

"You are exactly right," Ashley began. "His demand makes no sense. Why would he basically admit to us that he doesn't have the means to defend his own people? If he can't defend them, then he can't wage a war on the Council races. So why are we really here? What does he really want? Weapons he says...maybe, but I think there's more to it and this is just a front."

Shepard wanted Coats' level-headed opinion on the matter, but she didn't really want to hear his smooth voice. She did, however, make eye contact with him. He didn't make a sound, but at her raised eyebrow, he nodded his assent in reply.

Shepard drew a slow breath to calm her anger and turned back to the map.

"Put me back through, Traynor," she said. "I promise to behave."

"Aye, aye," Traynor replied.

"Balak?" Shepard said.

" _Shepard. I was beginning to worry that you were going to force us to take drastic measures._ "

She fought the urge to banter with the batarian leader and ignored that comment. She had a higher priority now - find out what Balak really wanted. Avoid a galactic incident.

"Here's the deal, Balak," she began. "We're not giving you weapons. That option is not now, nor will it ever be, on the table. And if your armed forces are really as weak as you say, then your threats against the Council races are empty - you cannot start a galactic war and now you have just revealed that fact to us. So why don't you come clean and tell me what you really want."

The line was silent. Shepard willed herself to breathe in and out slowly. After what seemed like an eternity, Balak finally spoke.

" _Justice_ ," he said. " _We want justice for what you did to our people, Shepard. You murdered so many of us and the Council let you off for no good reason. You're right - we don't have enough firepower to handle a galactic war, but we do have enough to shoot you out of the sky once and for all. My people are willing to die to see that that happens. You sentenced our people to death and now we are doing the same to you."_

Shepard cut the line herself that time. To Joker, she shouted, "I want all defensive systems engaged!"

"Already done, Commander," came her pilot's voice. "Prepared to take defensive action if necessary. I've also alerted the fleet behind us to maintain distance until further word."

She had to act fast. Her mind was racing. Truthfully, she wanted nothing more than for the batarians to fire on the Normandy. They would miss. Joker would evade whatever the batarians had to throw at them and then Shepard would have an excuse to take out Balak and any of those foolish enough to follow him. But was that really the right course of action in this situation?

That would murder more innocent people. There were probably plenty of batarian refugees on that planet, simply trying to put their lives back together. Shepard didn’t believe that all the people on the batarian homeworld were willing to die just to see her executed, and it wasn't their fault their leader had gone completely nuts. The last thing Shepard wanted was more innocent blood on her hands. Didn't she already have enough? 300,000 batarians, the geth, EDI...when would she stop sacrificing innocents?

Ashley's words from only a few minutes before echoed over and over in her mind.

 

_"So why are we really here? What does he really want?"_

 

She stood silently for a few more minutes as the realization hit her.

_You're so right, Ash...And I think I know what he wants. But this may be the hardest thing I've ever done. Put on the big girl panties, Shep, and top off with the diplomat hat while you're at it._

She turned the comm back on.

"Balak," she said with an angry tremor in her voice. "Things don't have to end this way. We have come to help your people. We have come with food and clothing and supplies to help you and the innocent survivors on your planet."

Balak's voice rumbled with laughter.

" _There is nothing left to rebuild, Shepard_ ," he said. " _Our people are so few. Our planet was decimated by the Reapers. You have left us with nothing._ NOTHING! _You cannot repair what you helped destroy._ "

"No, I can't," she replied, her pulse rising as she considered what she had to say next. "But I _can_ help you start over. I cannot give you back the lives that were taken from you. But I _can_ tell you that those lives have haunted me - I see their faces staring at me from beyond the grave every day of my life. I _can_ tell you that what happened in the Bahak System is a pain I will never forget. I _can_ tell you that of all the decisions in my life, that was one of the hardest - second only to firing the Crucible. And..."

She paused, her mouth dry, her palms sweating as she said two words she had only uttered one other time in her entire life.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, pausing for several seconds to let the words sink in before she continued. "I’m sorry that your people had to make such a sacrifice for the rest of the galaxy, but don't fire on us. You know we will have to retaliate and that will only result in the complete annihilation of your people on that planet. It's not worth it. I cannot make up for what I have done - for what I did. But I can tell you that I will never forget those innocents who died and that I will do all in my power to make their sacrifice _worth something_. Let us - let me - help you."

She waited. The whole ship waited in agonizing silence.

Minutes passed and Balak's voice did not come back on the line. It was Joker's voice that Shepard heard next.

"Commander," he said. "We have received clearance to land and I'm not detecting any weapons systems focused on us."

Shepard let her head fall in relief between her shoulders as she leaned against the railing over the map.

"Go ahead and land," she sighed. "And tell the fleet to approach. We will get more instructions from whoever it is we will be coordinating with on the ground."

She turned around to see an astonished Ashley and a smiling Coats. He knew her too well, and she knew him well enough to see that he was proud of her. She had made the right decision and he approved. Coats, with his kind and generous nature, had changed her. And whether they were lovers or not, she had been changed for good. It was just too bad for her that his goodness did not extend to being loyal to her, but that didn't stop her from being...different. She would dismiss him after this mission and hopefully never see him again, but there was one part of her former self that she would never get back after he was gone. Perhaps it was even a part of her that she didn't _want_ back.

She _wanted_ to help people. She didn't want to fight anymore. If the galaxy could be a place of peace, then she wanted to be at the front of it, and what she had done today was a step in the right direction.

But out loud, all she said was, "Suit up."

Khar'shan was hot and stifling, but Shepard's team was used to the routine by now. Balak was nowhere in sight when the Normandy landed on a docking platform on the batarian planet. A batarian named Varom met Shepard and her team when they exited the ship. Varom explained his people’s greatest needs to Shepard, who relayed messages to the incoming fleet about where to land. As she watched the ships land nearby, she delegated duties as she normally did - a ground crew member in charge of each major team. She purposely put Coats on an assignment as far away from her as possible.

Once everyone had an assignment and was busy working, Shepard found a job for herself to do as well. She had found that her favorite job was handing out clothes and food supplies. On other planets, they had usually just sent mass quantities of food or clothing with delegates of the representative race to distribute to those in need on distant parts of the planet. But Shepard quickly learned from Varom that here, the number of batarians that remained to fight combined with the refugees who had returned after the war was so small that all survivors had gathered in one major place on the planet. They had named this central location "Kha'stan", which Varom told her meant "to rise."

She had to admire the batarians. They had clearly been hit the hardest. After seeing what had happened on Earth, part of her longed to hear more about the resistance movement on this planet. The fact that anyone had survived the desolation she saw on this planet was nothing short of a miracle.

But she avoided thinking about the pain the people of Khar'shan had suffered. Instead, she pushed herself harder than ever to work quickly and efficiently, rendering aid to the people of Khar'shan, the survivors of the batarian race.

The sun of Khar'shan pressed high overhead when she heard a familiar voice laughing nearby. She didn't have to turn around to know who it was approaching.

"Do you have enough water?" Coats asked multiple crewmembers and batarians alike as he walked through the mixed crowd. "We have plenty. Here, take this. Drink up."

His voice came closer and closer. Shepard's heart began to thud heavily in her chest, but she still refused to turn around. She was not ready to speak to him yet, and she definitely didn't want to have to deal with these feelings right now. She wanted to work. She wanted to help these people. She wanted to atone for her wrongs. She wanted to -

It was then that the strangest sensation overtook her body. Her legs buckled underneath her, and seconds later, she found herself looking straight up at the sun of the batarian homeworld. She felt as if her lungs were collapsing. She tried to call out for help, but to no avail - her voice would not rise from her throat as the peripherals of her vision began to dim.

"The Commander has collapsed!" Shepard heard an unfamiliar batarian voice to her right. "What do we do?"

As usual, she felt him before she saw him. His light blue eyes moved to block the sun from her face, forcing a shadow to cover her as he knelt and lifted her head off the ground.

"Get Chakwas!" he yelled at a nearby soldier and motioning sternly in the direction of the Normandy before turning back to look at her, concern clearly etched between his brows. "You're fine, Shepard. I'm here. Stay with me..."

Those electric blue eyes were the last thing she saw before her vision fell into darkness.


	15. Displaced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Displaced](http://youtu.be/_kQp1uxz5a0)
> 
> Azure Ray

It was painfully bright wherever she was when she came to. Shepard tried to sit up but realized that she still felt weak and tired, lying back against the pillows she found behind her. She winced as the back of her head struck the pillows, a goose egg where she had hit the ground. As she resigned herself to relaxing, she realized she was in the medbay. She breathed a sigh of relief when she found Coats was nowhere nearby. She made eye contact with Karin as she turn around at the sound of Shepard's movements.

"Shepard," Chakwas smiled as she pulled a chair up next to the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"A little tired, I guess," Shepard responded with a weak smile. "Other than that I'm fine. What the hell happened?"

"You collapsed. Fainted."

"Yeah, I got that. I was there. But _why_?"

"Lack of sleep. Lack of hydration. A whole lot of little things like that."

Shepard studied the face of her friend carefully. She could tell there was something that Chakwas wasn't telling her. Her first inclination was to force it out of the doctor, but something in Karin's expression made her hold back.

"How long have I been at your mercy?" she asked, trying to laugh.

"Only about an hour, Commander," the doctor stood and returned to her desk to pick up a datapad, scrolling through it quickly before resuming her seat next to Shepard. "I got you hydrated quickly enough with a drip. You should be fine from now on, but remember Khar'shan is a hot planet. You have to drink plenty of water when you're out there."

"That's all, huh?" Shepard winced as she swung her legs over the side of the bed. "Come on, doc. That's not like me. I've been in hot places without a lot of water before. I've never fainted in my life except for lack of blood or the few times that I, you know, _died_ or _almost_ died. I'm not an idiot. What's really wrong with me?"

Shepard laughed lightly, trying to ease the tension in the room, but the doctor looked extremely uncomfortable and stood to meet Shepard's gaze before she spoke.

"You haven't been feeling strange at all lately, Shepard? Any dizzy spells or weakness in your muscles? More tired than usual?" she asked. Shepard screwed her face up in confusion.

"Not that I can think of," she replied.

"Well, you need to be more careful about remaining hydrated for a while, Commander. In your condition."

_Condition? What the fuck is this about?_

"Doc - Karin - just tell me what the fuck is going on."

"Nothing's...wrong, per se. But...I wouldn't have expected to have to deliver this news to you. I figured you knew."

"Knew _what_?! Stop stringing me out here. Just tell me what the hell is wrong with my body? I've been killed, brought back to life, almost killed again, and now is the first time in my life that I _collapse_? Stop holding back and -"

"You're pregnant, Shepard."

Shepard's jaw gaped open like a black hole. She found she didn't have the energy or presence of mind to close it.

_Pregnant?_

That word kept echoing through her mind, bouncing off its walls like a ping pong ball.

_Pregnant?_

"Pregnant?" she finally said out loud, staring at Chakwas in disbelief.

"I just confirmed the results," Karin handed her the datapad she had picked up from her desk. "See for yourself. I thought you would have known..."

"Well, I didn't," Shepard whispered as she scrolled through the information on the datapad. It was true. She was pregnant. Six fucking weeks pregnant.

"How is this possible?" she said, handing back the datapad to Chakwas and still unsure how to react to this news. At first, the doctor was silent, but finally she spoke again.

"I'm assuming you mean why wasn't it prevented? Not how it happened?..."

"Of course that's what I mean! I know where fucking babies come from!" Shepard leaned forward for support on her hands that gripped the edge of the bed. "Did Selina and Felton forget to put in an -"

"Yes," Chakwas cut her off before she could finish the sentence. "They did. I verified the medical records with Miranda while you were asleep. She sent them to me. They're marvelous doctors, but they're not human...they forgot that one thing when they put you back together on Earth. By the time Hackett let Miranda see you, she assumed they had taken care of that detail."

“Fuck.”

Silence descended on the medbay. Shepard still didn't know how to process this. She couldn't believe what was happening. She thought perhaps she should be angry, but all she could really process was shock.

Pregnant. She was pregnant. With Phillip Coats' child. A man she loved, but a man who didn't love her back. A man who had abandoned her for a blonde, busty, beautiful young woman. Someone without all of Shepard's drama. Without her baggage.

What was she going to do?

As if reading her thoughts, Chakwas said, "You don't have to decide what to do right now. As I said, I had hoped you already knew, but since you didn't, I know this is a lot to process. You have options, Shepard, and I'm prepared and able to do whatever you need me to do."

"This is a lot to think about, doc," Shepard said quietly.

"I know," Karin said. "And it's still very early. You have time to think. But for now, I would like you to take things easy for a bit."

"The crew will know something is up if I do that."

"I'm not saying don't work," Karin shook her head. "I'm just saying, put yourself on light duty - delegate more of the hands on labor for a while and take a supervisory role. Every woman’s body handles pregnancy a little differently, so be kind to yourself."

They were silent again. Shepard's thoughts were scattered and confused. A baby? How the hell would she handle a baby? Could she continue to work and be a mother? Did she even _want_ to be a mother? Did she specifically want to be the mother of Coats' child - the man that didn't love her?

Was she even cut out to be a parent? She had never had parents of her own, raising herself on the street. She didn't know the first thing about how to raise a child. Kids needed love. They needed nurturing. She didn't know how to do either of those things. Nothing even close.

But on the other hand - Commander Shepard was the icon in the galaxy who had fought so hard to preserve all life, wasn't she? How ironic would it be if she snuffed out the helpless one growing inside of her before it even had a chance to begin?

It didn't seem quite so ironic when she considered all the other innocent lives she had so easily destroyed. Batarians. Geth. EDI. The life within her. They were all the same. She had power over all of them and she _took_ their lives. She _destroyed_ life. She didn't create it.

She was torn. Never in her life had Shepard felt as lost as she felt in this moment. She could make decisions that affected the fate of the galaxy in a split second, but this...this she needed time to think about.

"I need some time," she finally said, swinging her legs to the floor and standing up slowly. The doctor made sure Shepard was steady before stepping out of her way.

"You should be fine," Karin said with a smile as she moved to her desk. "Try to drink lots of fluids from now on, especially while you're groundside."

When Chakwas mentioned drinking lots of fluids, Shepard had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

“Doc, I had a lot to drink last week on leave. I mean...a lot. Will that -?”

Karin shook her head and interrupted before Shepard could finish the question. “Everything appears normal, Commander. If you want to keep the baby, then you should definitely not drink from this point on, but for now, everything seems fine.”

Shepard nodded and slowly began to move for the door, but Chakwas stopped her again.

"For what it's worth, Shepard," the doctor said. "I think you should tell him. Two people made this happen. It is _your_ body and ultimately your decision, but I've seen the way he looks at you. Coats is a good man and he cares for you. You should lean on him and have him help you with this decision. I don't believe you need to make this decision alone."

Shepard was too confused to lash out in anger. She didn't mind so much that Chakwas knew about Coats, but what she _did_ mind was that the doctor presumed too much. Where were these looks that everyone else saw Coats give her? Where were these supposed glances the night in the sushi restaurant when she had seen him with another woman - someone younger and a million times more beautiful. Shepard had never seen whatever everyone else claimed to see. It wasn’t there, because it didn’t exist.

But the revelation that she was pregnant was so overpowering, that Shepard's natural inclination to make a biting remark in reply was stifled. She didn't turn around to look at the doctor. She simply walked out without a sound.

But as soon as she stepped past the medbay doors, she wished she could run back to the doctor and hide. He was there - waiting for her, his light blue eyes staring at her with concern. The rest of the mess was empty, but he had been waiting for her - a cold cup of coffee left behind on the table where he had been sitting. If she didn't know better, she would have thought he was concerned, but Shepard wasn't fooled. It was all an act. He just wanted in her bed and she would not allow it. Never again. Not this man.

She brushed past him, averting her eyes, and headed for the elevator. She heard him try to say something but his voice stopped abruptly when she didn't turn around. Her emotions threatened to explode as the elevator slowly trudged up to the loft. Her chest heaved with the struggle to keep them in check until she was truly alone in her room. It was only when she finally arrived in her cabin that she let herself collapse against the doors as they slid shut behind her.

Commander Shepard - hero of the galaxy, defeater of Reapers, and savior of all sentient life - crouched just inside the loft doors, hung her head between her knees, and wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we know why she collapsed...but what about Coats?
> 
> I promise a complete resolution next week, faithful and wonderful readers. I plan on posting the final two chapters of part 1 together next week. One more week and we eat cake! Thank you for reading and all the supportive and helpful feedback!
> 
> <3 Kabi


	16. Don't Speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Don't Speak](http://youtu.be/TR3Vdo5etCQ)
> 
> No Doubt
> 
>  
> 
> Patient readers,
> 
> You are about to be rewarded. Two chapters today including the (hopefully) thrilling conclusion of part one and a special message at the end! Thank you for reading!
> 
> -The Kabz

Reaching for a water bottle, Shepard turned to survey the work of her crew. Three days had passed since they arrived on Khar'shan and the work had gone smoothly. Balak had refused to meet with any of the fleet sent to save his people, but he didn't interfere either. To his credit, Varom was more than capable of leading the batarian soldiers and volunteers who interacted with the Normandy and Council fleet. Shepard was quite impressed with the batarian. He was clear, concise, orderly, and respectful. Balak had made a good choice in Varom, not just because of his organized manner, but because he knew how to avoid tension between his race and those rendering assistance.

It appeared that the political posturing was over and would not be an issue as long as the batarians needed supplies. In fact, Shepard might even go so far as to say that there was a certain amount of mutual respect between the batarian contact and herself. Varom was efficient. He got things done. He communicated well. She wasn’t so sure that it extended to the point that she _enjoyed_ working with him, but it wasn’t as awful as she thought it might be.

Shepard wiped her forehead with the back of her hand and motioned to Ashley to take over her post as she headed back to the Normandy's hold. Ashley nodded and Shepard grasped her friend on the shoulder before retreating to the shade and coolness of her own ship. She used some of the water in her hand to splash her face and downed the rest in a few large gulps. She had taken Chakwas' advice and tried to watch out for her health on this mission, delegating more of the heavy labor tasks and supervising her crew while trying to maintain the appearance that nothing was wrong.

It was harder than she expected.

No one asked about her collapse. Granted, she hadn't given them much of an opportunity, keeping to herself for the past few days and hardly speaking to anyone. She had met with Karin one other time. The good doctor had asked no questions of Shepard, simply sending the reading materials Shepard went to her to ask for - digital pamphlets on her "options." And despite what Chakwas said, Shepard didn't want Coats' help. She didn't want anyone's help. That was not her way. She wanted - no, she _needed_ \- to make this decision alone. This was _her_ body, _her_ child, _her_ life.

She knew she still had time to decide differently, but she was fairly certain she had made up her mind. It had taken her nearly 48 hours, but she had finally braved perusing the information waiting for her. Data pad in hand, she had sat back on her bed after the day's work was complete and scrolled through her "options", one at a time.

Midnight came quicker than she expected that night. After several hours, she threw the data pad on the bed, still unsure of what to do. Exhausted, she tossed her clothes in the corner and crawled under the covers.

"EDI, dim the lights," she had called out absent-mindedly.

And it was in that moment that Shepard made her decision.

She would not snuff out another life. She didn't judge those who made that decision and she wasn't sure if she would keep the child as her own, but terminating another living creature - no matter how small and newly-formed - was not something Shepard wanted to be responsible for anymore.

When the lights had dimmed and a voice that was not EDI's asked her if that would be all, Shepard did not reply. She simply let one tear fall down her face and fell asleep.

She thought she might feel differently in the morning, but she found the feelings were still there when she awoke. She had taken enough lives. This was one life she would save.

So in the hot sun of Khar'shan, she took a break for the life within her and surveyed the scene.

Everyone had been working hard all day. Shepard relaxed as her crew went about their various tasks. Crewmembers smiled and nodded at her as they walked past from post to post, following their respective orders. Garrus and Ashley were always together - now in the post where Shepard had been a few minutes before. Chakwas looked in her direction and nodded approvingly when she saw the Commander taking a break. Kenneth was teasing Gabby about something before lightly placing a peck on her cheek when he thought no one was looking. Vega was showing off his muscles to a female crewmember of the _Concord_. All was as it should be.

And then she saw him. He had tried this before. Each time she took a break, Coats spotted her and tried to talk to her. Each time she had avoided him, either by returning to her duties and purposely turning her back on him or retreating into the ship, waiting for him to return to his post so she could go back to work. There was nothing she had to say to him and there was nothing she wanted him to say to her. It was over and she wished he would just let it go. There would be no more easy sex for him on this voyage. He would have to wait to get back to the Citadel and fuck his new, blonde piece of ass. And Shepard would eventually forget him.

She would move on. She would be fine.

But Coats appeared more determined this time as he started to walk toward her. Shepard could see it in his eyes as he quickly dropped what he was carrying and began a clipped pace in her direction. Just as quickly, Shepard dropped her water bottle and headed for the cool dark of the Normandy's cargo hold. Running away from her problems was not a usual tactic for Shepard, but this was not a usual problem. She had no desire to talk to Coats. Her emotions were still too raw for any sensible conversation with the man she still loved, regardless of how he had hurt her.

She could hear him behind her just as she entered the elevator, but she wasn't fast enough. He managed to make it into the elevator with her. She tried to keep her breathing calm. She avoided looking at him by staring straight ahead at the elevator's buttons. It mostly worked. The ground briefly spun around her as the elevator jolted upward, but she managed to stay standing. Coats' presence next to her was suffocating, so much so that when the doors finally opened on the loft, she let out a long breath. She knew he heard it, but he said nothing.

"You're not coming in," she said as she stepped out of the elevator. He followed her, but he didn't cross the threshold to her cabin when the doors slid open, still willing to respect her wishes even though he clearly had no respect for her heart.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me," he said defiantly, his lightning blue eyes piercing her like they had the first day she met him. "I will wait here. I will stand here all night and all day tomorrow until I collapse. I will not leave until you hear what I have to say."

She stared him down, trying to intimidate him with the darts flying out of her eyes, but it appeared to have no effect.

_Just get it over with. The longer you put this off, the harder it will be._

With a jerk of her head, she motioned for him to follow her. He obeyed quickly and the loft doors shut behind them. She continued to march until she stood in the middle of the lower deck, spinning around quickly to face him.

"Say what you have to say and then leave," she said curtly, crossing her arms over her chest as he descended the stairs.

"What, no bourbon?" he asked, but Shepard was not amused.

_No, you asshole. I'm pregnant with your fucking baby. No drinking for eight more months._

Coats quickly saw that she was not in the mood, but when he still didn't speak, Shepard decided to push him.

"Real cute. So you think you know me. Get over it. I said, say what you have to say and then leave," she growled. Coats flinched as if she had slapped him and widened his stance, bracing himself for what was to come.

"Why have you been avoiding me, Shepard?" he said.

"Because we're over, Coats," she replied, just as quickly as he had spoken. "It was fun while it lasted, but that was all and now it's done."

"Why?" Coats persisted. Shepard was surprised to hear a slight note of pleading in his tone.

"Did you seriously come up here to ask me why you're not getting laid anymore?" Shepard laughed and let her arms fall to her side. "Oh, that's rich."

"That's not why I'm asking." Coats' brow furrowed into a confused frown. If she didn't know better, she might believe that he was sincere. "I'm asking because...I've been worried about you. You collapsed three days ago. That's not like you. You're the strongest woman I know. I've wanted to make sure you were ok since then, but you have repeatedly brushed me off. You have barely spoken to me since we returned to the ship. I've...missed you, Shepard. What did I do wrong?"

He was unbelievable. Shepard huffed and stared at him with wide eyes, astonished that he would pretend to be ignorant of what was wrong.

"You are seriously going to pretend that you don't know?" she said.

"I'm not pretending," Coats raised his arms to the side briefly, taking a step toward her before she shot him a look of death and he stepped back. "Why have you pushed me away? I thought -"

"You thought what?!" she finally lashed out. "You thought you could fuck me while you were on the ship and then act like nothing happened when we landed? You thought you could have your cake with me and then eat it too when you ran to your girlfriend back home? Don't play coy with me, _Spectre_! I saw you! I saw it with my own fucking eyes! I saw you with her! We may not have had much, but I will not be _used_ like that! I'm not a toy for your enjoyment while you're on the ship. I will not be the ‘other woman’, so if you want the blonde bitch, you can keep her. I'm done with you."

She hadn't expected to give a speech. It had all come pouring out of her. She found her hands were clenched at her sides and her legs were shaking, but Shepard grit her teeth and managed to stay standing, staring down the man who had broken her heart as his mouth hung open.

Finally, his voice pierced the silence.

"I was afraid that was what happened," he said. _Not exactly what I wanted to hear_ , Shepard thought, struggling to control her expression. Fighting not to let Coats see the pain she was in. _Just tell me you love her. Tell me I was just a good fuck and then get out of my room and out of my life._

But that wasn't what he said.

"I saw you that night," he continued softly, his face looking pained. "At the restaurant. I spoke with Joker, or truthfully, he spoke with me. But I thought you knew me better than that."

"Knew you better than what, Coats?" she snapped.

"That I would not cheat on you, Shepard," Coats said, his voice even softer. "I would never do that to you."

"It's hard to cheat on someone that you've made no commitments to.”

She sighed and passed a hand over her face, truly regretting her earlier outburst. She lowered her voice, trying to calm herself down in the hopes that would make this horrible conversation end sooner. "Look, I don't blame you. It's not technically cheating. We didn't have anything, Coats. Not really. All that happened that night was that I discovered you had someone else. You had made me no promises and I had made you no promises. There was nothing but sex between us."

She still sounded angrier than she wanted to, but this felt good. She was finally going to have this over with and soon she could move on.

"That's not how it is at all, Shepard," Coats replied, his voice quivering slightly. He took a step toward her, and although he was still several feet away, his presence was overpowering. Shepard tried to strengthen her inner resolve, steeling herself against the beauty of his eyes and the strange warmth emanating from them as he looked at her.

"Just get out!" she cried. She couldn't take this anymore. She was done. This had to end. Now. "Get out! There is nothing more to say. We never had anything to begin with, so there's nothing to lose. I don't want to see you anymore. Just fucking go!"

He looked prepared to fight her, but just when she thought he was going to speak, his eyes flashed with something akin to anger and he spun on his heel, stomping up the steps for the door. Shepard's legs threatened to give out beneath her, but she resolved she would not fall until he was gone.

She was not prepared in the least for what happened next. Just before the door slid open in front of him, Coats spun back to face her and jogged down her steps, stopping two feet in front of where she stood.

"No. I'm not leaving like that, Shepard. Hear me out and if you still want me to go, then I will go, but not like this.” He shook his head and looked down at the floor. “Not like this. Hear me first."

He raised his head to look at her again. When Shepard said nothing, Coats took a deep breath and continued.

"I care for you, Shepard," he said. "I have cared for you deeply since the first time I met you. You were never just a toy to me. I would never consciously hurt you. You were never the ‘other woman.’ The blonde woman you saw - it wasn't what you think. She was -"

"Does that line really work on women?" Shepard laughed, blinking back the tears that threatened to break free at the lies Coats was spouting. Lies she so desperately wanted to believe, but she knew better. They were just lies - lies to get her back in bed. She had to stay strong. "She was gorgeous. Beautiful and young and full of life. Plenty of things that I'm not. I am older than you. I have seen the galaxy at its worst and done things that some people call war crimes. I am ruthless and calculating. I’m the goddamn savior of the fucking galaxy, but I am washed up and tired. I don’t blame you for wanting someone else, but don’t you dare lie to me about it. Just tell me the truth - you were fucking her. It hurts less than the lies."

She had divulged too much with her latest speech. She made it known that he had hurt her. That she could feel pain. That her heart ached when she saw him with another woman, despite the fact they had made no promises to each other. But it was becoming harder and harder to keep her emotions in check.

"I wasn't fucking her!" Coats was losing patience. His face looked tortured, and Shepard had to hand it to him. He was a good actor. He really did look earnest. "I would never - No! I was with her for one reason and one reason only. She was my sister's best friend growing up. She found out I was on the Citadel and asked to see me. Want to know why? Because I've become _famous_ and she wanted me to introduce her to Al-Jilani. She _used_ me for a job - a bloody PR piece. For my sister's sake, I introduced them that night, but you were too quick to run out of the restaurant to see that. You and Joker both assumed you knew what was going on.  But you have no fucking clue! Look!"

Shepard watched as Coats briefly pulled up his omni-tool and began playing a video.

"Watch," he said quietly, staring intently at her as Al-Jilani's face hovered in the air between them, emanating from his omni-tool.

 

_"Thank you for tuning in to Galactic News Network. We have a special treat for you tonight. A new reporter, Amelia Smithhart, has joined our staff and she is joined by a favorite of our viewing audience, Major Phillip Coats. She brings us a special interest report from Commander Shepard’s repair effort tonight - a report with a unique perspective. Amelia, how are you this evening?"_

The camera panned next to Al-Jilani to the beautiful blonde woman, smiling from the holographic image hanging in front of Shepard's face.

_"Thank you, Khalisah. I'm here with Major - now Spectre - Coats who has just returned from his recent mission with Commander Shepard on Thessia."_

Amelia's smile was perfect. Her lips were perfect. Her teeth were perfect. Her hair was perfect. She was even still wearing the red dress Shepard had seen her in that night at the restaurant.

_"Now before I completely turn our viewers over to you, Amelia, you have a special relationship with the Major, don't you?"_

Blondie smiled.

_"I do. We grew up together. We've known each other for a very long time."_

_"So you know all his secrets? I'm sure our female viewers would love to hear if Major Coats has a special someone."_

The camera panned briefly to show Major Coats standing next to Amelia with a surprised look on his face. Amelia turned to him and smiled before returning her gaze to the camera.

_"Actually, I'm afraid our female viewers might be disappointed. I believe the galaxy’s most eligible bachelor does have a special someone."_

Shepard tried not to laugh as she watched the Major's expression change on the news reel. If she wasn't so upset with him, she might have thought his discomfort entertaining. He looked as if he were ready to knock out the camera and possibly Amelia with it.

_"Well, do get him to tell, Amelia! His special someone doesn't happen to be you, does it?"_

Amelia smiled sweetly.

 _"No, Khalisah. Major Coats is more like family to me. I am most definitely not the object of his affections. But I'm not sure that I will get the good Major to divulge that secret on this special. Maybe another day. However, he_ has _promised to tell me many other interesting tidbits in tonight's variety piece."_

_"We look forward to learning all about the Major after we hear from our sponsor for this segment, Noveria Development Company. When you -"_

 

Coats shut off the clip before Al-Jilani read the prepared commercial prompt and dropped his arm to his side.

"That was right after dinner. I thought you would have seen the news special. I had hoped you would so that you would know why I was with Amelia that night, but I guess you were too busy to care about that sort of thing. I had no idea you were so upset. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it sooner. I'm so sorry I didn't come to you that night and explain. I wanted to, but I didn’t want to assume you would want to see me. My greatest fear since meeting you is that I would push anything on you that you didn’t want," he said softly, again daring to take another step toward her. Shepard didn't move and she didn't stop him. She wanted so desperately to believe what she had seen and heard. Was it possible? Was it all just a giant misunderstanding?

His breath was hot on her face when he spoke again.

"If you tell me that you don't care for me, if you tell me that it meant nothing more than sex to you, I will go," he whispered. "I was willing to be whatever you needed with no strings attached for as long as you wanted me. I assumed I was just a toy for you, but I wanted so desperately to be close to you. I assumed I was too young and inexperienced for you to take seriously - and I was willing to be that if it helped you heal from everything that had happened to you. I would do anything to make you happy, to see you smile. But I don't think I can do that anymore. It hurts too much. I can't be this close to you and yet so far at the same time."

He paused and Shepard almost gasped at the sincerity in his face. She still wasn't sure she could believe everything he was saying. This entire conversation was surreal. What Coats said next nearly knocked her over.

"I love you, Sarah."

Her eyebrows shot up as he used her name. Her _real_ name. No one called her by her first name. Not Jacob. Not Kaidan. Not even a single member of the Tenth Street Reds. Everyone in the galaxy knew it, but no one said it. It didn't sound right coming from anyone else's mouth.

But when Coats said her name, it fit perfectly. He had paused, trying to gauge her reaction. When she didn't speak, he continued.

"Sarah," he dared to say her name again and Shepard's eyelids threatened to give away how his voice made her weak in the knees. "I want to be with you more than anything. But if you tell me to go - if you tell me you don't want me - then I will do as you wish."

She couldn't speak. Her tongue wouldn't move. She thought perhaps she was dreaming. She stared into the blue eyes of the man she loved - this man who now professed that he loved her in return - and silently tears fell down her face.

Her legs could no longer hold her up. She collapsed onto the edge of the bed and stared down at the floor; Coats' boots were the only thing she could see. She focused on them in front of her as she struggled to find words. She longed to tell him how she felt - how she _really_ felt, but the words wouldn't come. Her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth. All she could do was look up at him with wet eyes and plead that he understood her.

But he didn't. His face fell when she didn't speak. His own eyes filled with water. Without another word, he turned and headed for the door. Shepard couldn’t stop him. Her tongue was frozen in her mouth as she stared at his back while the doors slid open before him, the corridor outside her cabin threatening to swallow the man she loved with its empty finality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now you know why I posted two chapters today....I'm not that cruel! Turn the page! ;)


	17. Everything Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Everything Changes](http://youtu.be/faewCXX1mvo)
> 
> Staind

The picture of Coats’ head hanging in defeat as he took his first step out of the loft finally gave Shepard the willpower to open her mouth.

"Wait!" she cried, her voice pulling her off the edge of the bed and forcing her to take a step forward. "Phillip, wait!"

He turned around quickly, his eyes hopeful at the sound of his own name, but he didn't say a word as he peered at her tentatively from the doorway.

"Is it true?" she whispered, hoping he could hear her as she walked toward the bottom of the stairs to see him better. "Tell me it's true. All of it. Tell me, and I’ll believe you."

"It's true," he said, tentatively walking back down the steps. "It's all true. You've been the only woman in my heart for a very long time."

He had finally reached her. Shepard's heart thudded so loudly in her chest, she thought it might burst through her ribcage, but somehow, she remained intact as Coats' hand raised to cup her cheek.

"Then stay with me," she said softly. "I love you, too."

The kiss he placed on her lips was perhaps the most beautiful thing she had ever felt in her life. She let his arms wrap around her as she leaned against him, the taste of him lingering on her tongue as she pulled away to look at him.

He _loved_ her. That mattered. That was important. It changed everything in her world. But it wasn’t that simple. There were questions she wanted - no, she _needed_ \- answered.

He could read her. That much was plain to see. So he spoke first.

"I have loved you since I met you," he said. "I know it seems crazy, but it's true. When you arrived on Earth - I had never felt that way when I looked at anyone. You were always larger than life, Sarah, but when I saw you in person...I knew there would never be anyone else like you in my life."

"I can't say I loved you right away," Shepard smiled and looked down at Coats' chest as she balled up the cloth of his shirt in her tight grip. He dipped his head and raised her chin with the tip of one of his fingers, forcing her to look at him again. "But I did know there was something different about you - about us. When we were together, I - I couldn't explain it."

The room was silent as they drank in each other's eyes. Coats leaned in for another kiss, but Shepard pushed him away gently.

"Why didn't you come visit me?" she asked quietly. "In the hospital...you never came to see me."

"I did," he replied, a hint of sadness to his voice. "I came almost every day when I was in London."

"Not once I was awake."

"I wasn't sure you would want me there when you woke up. I had no idea what you thought of me. We...had an intimate moment before the war ended. To me, it meant everything. But to you - I didn't know what I was to you. I would not force you into something you didn't want."

"I desperately wanted to see you," Shepard said, regret lacing her words. What fools they had been. Two people so afraid of what the other would think that they avoided each other.

"I had no idea," Phillip said, his own voice demonstrating his sadness. "But we're together now. Can't we take pleasure in that and try to forget the past?"

She wanted to. But that wasn't the only thing gnawing at her.

"You never stay the night," she said. "I thought you only wanted sex because you always left me alone."

"I'm sorry."

Shepard took a step back and looked at Coats' more fully.

"That's it?" she asked. "'I'm sorry? That's all you have to say?"

"No, I...it's hard to explain." Coats ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it in just that way Shepard liked. His face still captivated her when he met her gaze again. "You thought I was using you, but I thought the same thing. I believed I was just a young, willing marine who warmed your bed at night. If it got me close to you, I was willing to be whatever you needed. But I have wanted more for so long. I was afraid if I stayed the night...if I woke up next to you...that you would kick me out. That you would laugh at me for being naive and believing there was something more between us. Staying the night for me meant that I was giving in to my love for you, but I couldn’t bear for that to happen if you didn’t love me back. So I avoided it by leaving."

It wasn't a perfect explanation, but she understood. Hadn't she felt the same way? So unwilling to admit that there was more she wanted from him when she didn't know how he felt about her.

_Fools. We were fools._

She bridged the gap between them and cupped Phillip's face in her hand. He smiled at her and wrapped his hands around her waist, pulling her close to him as he kissed her again. This kiss was even better than before.

 _So this is what it feels like to be loved_ , she thought. But the happy feeling in her chest faded when she remembered that this love story was so much more complicated now. The two people in the room were not the only ones involved anymore.

She had to tell him. Everything. Fear gripped her heart, but she knew that this was a secret she couldn't keep from him.

So she pulled away and turned her back on him, walking back to the bed and taking a seat. She didn't want to be standing if Coats’ reaction to her news was negative. It would be too painful to bear at this point - at this moment when her dreams for her own personal happiness were merging into reality.

Coats looked confused when she looked back up at him, but he hadn't moved.

"There's more I need to tell you," she said, looking down at his boots again. She couldn't bear to look at his face. Not now. "It's about my collapse a few days ago. Before we go any further with this, you deserve to know. I collapsed because I was a bit dehydrated. Usually not a big deal, but -"

She took several deep breaths. Coats stayed silent, waiting patiently as she found the courage to tell him their secret.

"I'm pregnant. And I'm keeping it. I just decided last night. I understand if that changes things for you. You didn’t ask for this. I didn’t either, but I have made this decision on my own and I can’t make it for you."

She held her breath. She wasn't sure what to expect, but the first few moments were the most painful as she waited for the response she was sure would follow. She knew he would leave her. He hadn't bargained for this. This had never been a part of the deal that began when she shoved him in a dark alley before the race for the beam.

But Coats surprised her again. Still staring at his boots, she watched as his feet moved towards her until he was standing directly in front of her. He stopped and knelt before her, spreading her legs so he could slide closer to her and hold her as she sat on the bed. He brushed a stray hair out of her eyes and smiled at her with wet eyes.

"You may have just made me the happiest man in the galaxy. I think I love you more than ever, Sarah Shepard."

There were no more words to be said. The cry that escaped her throat was inhuman, but he understood as she wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder. He held her tighter than ever before. When her sobs subsided, he lifted her chin with his finger again, a gesture she was beginning to love. No one had ever been so gentle. If she had not already been in love with this man, she was definitely in love with him now.

She kissed him again, but there was a hunger and fervor in her kiss. She couldn't contain her feelings anymore. She wanted to feel him against her. She fumbled with the hem of his shirt, pulling it hurriedly over his head and running her fingers over his muscular chest. She wanted to know what it was to be that close to someone she loved who truly loved her in return.

To Shepard's surprise, he stopped her, pushing her back gently.

"Let me," he whispered as she sat back in surprise. "Let me make love to you, Sarah. The way I've wanted to for so long."

Surprised, she dropped her hands to her sides. He was soft and slow and careful, starting with her own shirt as he lifted it over her head. He pressed against her as he placed light kisses on her lips, cheek, and neck. His hands softly stroked her back and hair as he pulled her closer to him on the edge of the bed. When he unclasped her bra and moved his mouth down to the hardened buds on her chest, she softly whispered his name.

Her whispers spurned him onward as he gently undid the button and zipper of her pants, lifting her hips carefully as he continued to lavish her breasts with soft kisses and pulled her garments down to the floor. Shepard found herself falling back on her elbows against the bed and struggling to watch him as his kisses descended lower and lower. Her breath was coming in short gasps of anticipation. His eyes glanced up to smile at her. They had never done this before. She had done the opposite for him, but he had never returned the favor. But in that one glance, she understood why.

Their sex had always been hurried and frantic. This was slow and loving. Something Shepard had never known, but as she felt Coats' hot breath between her legs and his tongue lavishing her tender folds, it was something she never wanted to be without again. She whimpered as his fingers and tongue roved over her most sensitive places. When his tongue finally found her bud and his fingers slipped inside her, Shepard came quickly and furiously with his name on her lips.

She gasped as his tongue continued to love her, her legs twitching with over-sensitive pleasure. But finally, he stood up and began to undo the button and zipper of his own pants, throwing his boots to the side. Shepard found the strength to sit up on the edge of the bed again and stop him as he fumbled with his belt.

"Let me," she said softly. And he did. She nimbly undid the clasps of his pants and dropped them to the floor, releasing his hardened length to the air before her as he stepped out of the garments surrounding his ankles. Before he had a chance to protest, she took him deeply in her mouth and hummed her pleasure around him. Coats moaned at the sudden and surprising touch and gently stroked the top of her head as she licked and sucked from tip to base and back again, over and over until Coats pulled away.

He smiled at her wickedly as he pushed her back on the bed and crawled over her.

"You're very talented, Sarah. In so many ways," he said, making her shiver as he said her name again. "But I'm making love to you, remember?"

He silenced her protests with a deep kiss and Shepard sighed into his mouth, tasting herself still on his tongue. His hands began to work their magic again, running up and down her body, pausing on her breasts to massage and tease them as his tongue invaded her mouth and occasionally ran down her neck.

After several wonderful minutes, Shepard groaned when Coats' hand finally trailed between her legs. Phillip made a similar sympathetic noise as he pulled back from her and positioned her hips in front of him.

"Ready for me?" he said as he teased her pearl with his fingers.

"Oh God, yes," she whispered to the air as he entered her.

This was pure bliss. She had never been treated this way by a man in her whole life. She had never loved someone as much as she loved this man who now moved inside her with patient thrusts, waiting as she rose to climax again. His lips were on her neck as she felt herself begin to clench hard around him and Coats' thrusts became more urgent. Just when she thought she couldn't hold back anymore, she felt his whisper in her ear.

"I love you, Sarah."

She came undone in that moment. Her cries mingling with his as he spilled himself inside her and they collapsed together against the pillows.

When they finally regained their breath, Shepard curled up into the arms of her lover, letting him pull her against his warm, panting chest.

"I love you, Phillip," she said as she placed a light kiss on his cheek. He returned her kiss and gently stroked her cheek with a single finger. Shepard found she couldn't get enough of him and soon they were in each other's arms again. His hunger equaled her own, and for hours, they touched and pleased each other, relishing the loving looks the other sent silently with their eyes.

But neither of them could continue forever. After an afternoon and evening of loving bliss, Shepard was completely spent. Coats seemed to have hit his limit as well as they both fell against the pillows and curled up in each other's arms. His electric blue eyes were staring at her in awe and she wondered if her eyes looked back at him the same way. In her memory, she saw those blue eyes from what felt like a lifetime ago.

 

_"You will save us all, Commander. And I will see you on the other side."_

 

Pulling him down to her for another kiss, she looked up at him with a question on her face.

"See you on the other side?" she whispered. Coats' eyebrows shot up briefly in surprise and recognition, but his expression quickly changed to a warm smile. Placing a soft kiss on her brow, he nodded at her and pulled her tight against him.

Exhausted and sated, Commander Sarah Shepard fell asleep in the arms of the man she loved - and the man who loved her in return.

 

****************************

 

The hum of the Normandy was always the same when she woke. But as her internal alarm interrupted her dreams at the usual 0700, Shepard smiled. This day was different from all the others in her life.

As consciousness began to crowd out the fog of sleep, Shepard relaxed into the chest of the man still lying next to her - a man who loved her, his arms wrapped tightly around her, holding her close.

And for the first time in her life, Sarah Shepard was at peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so ends part one.
> 
> Part two is in the works and will begin next week! I will try to keep to my schedule of posting on Tuesdays. I have a few personal life things that may end up interrupting that, but I will do my best. I hope you will all follow along with me on part two. You will find it is a new story with new challenges, told from a different point of view and a very different timeline but the same stubborn, pig-headed, lovable Shepard + Coats and Company. :D
> 
> Thank you to all of you for your support through comments, kudos, bookmarks, subscriptions, and even those silent readers who simply took the time to read this far.
> 
> A very special thank you, again, to [DarkAislinn](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkAislinn), who even though she has an extremely busy schedule and writing projects of her own, she always takes the time to help with mine through beta-reading and constant encouragement.
> 
> See you on the other side (i.e. part two)!  
> -KabiViolet


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